Hardy adventurer that you are, you have never been known to quail at little danger. But you're no fool. You've always been far too wise to venture into The Devilliyn Marsh. All your life you've heard tales of that awful swamp and its disgusting denizens. But the real danger of the marsh, so the tales go, is not the creatures that dwell within, nor the magicians and wicked men who haunt its paths.
No, the reason so few return from Devilliyn Marsh is very simple. The swamp is criss-crossed by numerous trails that twist and turn in all directions. No one has ever mapped them and lived to tell the tale. An evil fog hides the sky, so no one can set a course by the stars. Once you're well into swamp, even compasses are unreliable. They may point north, west, or south-by-south-east, leading you in circles until you drop from exaustion.
So you've stayed well away from the marsh-lands. But although you don't know it yet, something is about to happen to change your fortunes...
As you walk along The Lhanlock Highway, infamous due to thieves and bandits, you come upon an old woman, crumpled in the dust. You carry her into the shade and give her a drink from your water-skin. She soon revives, but you walk with her to the next town, to make sure that she will be alright.
You take your leave of her in the town market-place. 'Bless you for your kindness,' she says, when you part. 'Wear this with my good wishes, and may you never lose your way.' With that she gives you a plain, looking brass ring. when you slip it on your finger, smiling your thanks, it feels loose. An hour later, as you continue down the highway, you notice that it has altered its shape to fit you perfectly and has begun to glow a bright green. 'This must be a magic ring' you think to yourself.
As you travel, you learn more about the brass ring's powers. The old woman must have been a powerful witch, and she meant her blessing seriously. While you are wearing the ring, you will always know which way is North. Even in the deepest forest or twistiest town, you will never be lost. Furthermore the ring glows a burning red and begins to grow warm in the presence of evil instead of the usual green. You spend a week with the forest bandits - rough men but honest in their way - and the ring stays green. But in the caverns it warns you of evil magic and of foul undead. And in the towns you find that no clever theif or lying merchant can fool you. The old hag's gift is valuable indeed to an adventurer like you!
Now you feel as though you ought to put the Brass Ring to some use worthy of its magic. Exploring The Devilliyn Marsh, with its unmapped maze of trials might be the perfect task. And it might be profitable, too! So, with your mind set on glory and treasure, you set off to the bogs and fens of The Devilliyn Marsh.
Hey there Taylor, here to review and tear your work to pieces!
To start off with something good, this introduction is a perfect summary of the plot, albeit a tad brief, but nonetheless, a fantastic example of second-person narrative.
Having said that, this work seemed a tad rushed, but at the same time showed a very medieval like theme, especially with words and phrasing and the formation. I can see much potential for the mystery of the ring, and, as a plot twist (wink wink, nudge nudge) the lost souls of The Devilliyn Marsh. However, you really must think out the plotline that follows this, because I can see this becoming far too repetitive if not considered greatly.
Now for grammatical errors:
"...drop from exaustion." exhaustion
"when you slip it..." When
'twistiest' is not a word, but that's me just being pedantic, 'cause I know what it meant.
"...no clever theif..." thief
And, of course, it should be Lhanlock Highway, because it's all a part of a title.
Aside from those, this piece was fine, and I enjoyed the way how you addressed it very well in second person, something you don't see very often nowadays. So in summary: well introduced, second person may not be the best approach for the actual story though; you need to devote an enormous amount of thought to your plot to avoid repetition and making the audience want to punch you; and most importantly, when you create your character, you must make him/her exceptionally detailed, because they will be alone (or so I assume) for much of the story, so they must be intriguing with an absorbing history that will engage the reader. Essentially what I'm trying to say is, the protagonist must have a history that gives them depth that will keep the audience guessing as to what his motives are going into the Marsh.
That is all.
DNX
Thanks DNX.
I will try and bring more description into the main character (you) but i do want you to picture how you would look in battle dress as the story is based in 2nd person. Thanks for the review.
Ah, I get where you going with this. Fair enough. But you need to realise that to replace the lack of character background you will need to create a powerful image of the Marsh and other areas. Time to get the thesaurus out mate.
indeed XD
This is a rather good piece I didn't find any mistakes that haven't been caught already. Though I am probably incorrect here the sentence where you say, "You take your leave of her in the town market-place" sounds a little strange. Especially the "You take your leave of her" part.
Bit late to reply but i must have missed you review, sorry about that.
But anyway, if you 'Take your leave' of someone then you, bid farewell and carry on your travels. It is a very good way of being polite, and giving your novel a little bit of depth instead of just saying 'you say bye bye and go away'.
Hope that helped
Good, a meaningful and moving tale of what it means live near a swamp, well done, an accomplished tale
that was a... uhhhh... good review...
Plus don't switch genres mid way through, It muddles up the novel, It's like yr story doesn't know what to be, it starts off as possibly a suspensiful horror, then towards the end becomes a Lord of the Rings type fantasy, but on the whole very well written, and assured throughout, and minor grammical errors could be corrected too, but yes very good for a first time, well done!
that's better
thanks
Hello, Fingle. (May I call you that?) This isn't a bad start- you seem to have no trouble with second person- but it could do with more detail. Just for instance, how much time passes during this introduction? How long does it take to reach the marketplace?
There are also a few grammatical errors, such as-
It's not really necessary to capitalize 'the' unless it's at the beginning of a sentence or title. However, 'highway' is part of the road's name and should be capitalized.
This could be changed to read 'little dangers' or 'a little danger.'
Let me say again that you've done very well at writing in second person. If you post more of this, I'll certainly read it.
If i get enough feedback i shall write more