Published December 2, 2008
There is a man, you no him no doubt
That stands and waggled his club about
Wars are won and wars are lost
Forests are painted green with moss
Tyrants rise for a violent stay
Killers and Communists all pass away
Dictators rise
And empires fall
But still there he stands
Addressing the ball
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Hi WarriorOfTheBrimstone. Hope you're OK
Right, down to the task at hand. The poem was a little bit misleading for me. I really didn't have much idea that it was about baseball, until I read some of the other reviews. It seemed more like a commentary on governments.
The structure was a bit off for me too. What was the point of the opening couplet being it's own stanza? Also the rhyming structure was a tad higgledy-piggledy.
You've confused the tenses here, "waggled" ought to be 'waggles', but even then it breaks the flow of the couplet. 'Waves' would fit a little better.
This is a bit of a trivial cliché, it serves no real purpose. I'd consider omitting it.
The same as above. It's a pretty piece of imagery, but serves no purpose at all - I can't see how it relates to baseball.
No need for " all", it muddles the flow a bit. On another note, why do you group killers and communists together?
A very fine closing line indeed, it was sharp and to the point. In face, it was one of the few lines that referred to baseball at all... However this line needs a full-stop at the end.
Love
Kris
x
Hahaha. I'm the only one who saw it was golf without reading the comments. Booya!
I don't know, nice word choice, but a little immature. I'm not saying you're immature, but the poem is. you need to help this poem mature.
Sorry. I know they already said it, but anyway.
The last 4 lines...it is true...Try to add commas and full stops. Just makes it so much better,but not at every line. Some need it and others don't.
I will say you have nice tempo and you like to rhyme and that's good. You just did it too...I don't know.
I didn't really like it, but if you improve it and let it mature, than it can be good.
Hope it helps.
Haha so now its even better. But you should make it clearer because I totally thought it was baseball and I don't even know what baseball is. It's like rounders, right|??
This poem is a bout GOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha made me laugh. I don't live in America so I don't have this annoyance. but every time my dad wants to watch the football and stops me watching heroes I want to kill something.
And you know what? This might have no particular rhythm or structure but I like it. It flows; it sounded like a song when I read it; there might be less pattern but its...lyrical?
And the ideas; how all these big things have happened that are so much more interesting and important and yet still we faithfully group around a screen and worship at the feet of an overspaid egotistical short wearing idiot.
I LIKED THIS POEM.
It made sense to me.
xxxx
Corrections in bold
Hope that helped a bit
Oh, let's not be mean shall we?
... Anyway,
what? this is about baseball? how in the hell did you figure that one out? is...
like a general thought shared by everybody? like a theme i wasnt aware about? yeah i know baseball is consididered pretty boring, yet still is popular but... huh.. cool.. i guess.... but then so is soccer and stuff... was it in the title or sub title... huh... well i dont like it!I think this is a very good humorous poem about how baseball is always there and you cant get rid of it.
Firstly, do not start each line with a capital letter. It makes it harder to read and more difficult to understand.Also, you must use punctuation with poetry. I know it may sound strange, but it is true. It makes it a lot easier to read.
Your rhyme scheme is rather odd. You must have a regular rhyme with your lines. Like rhyming every line, or every other line, so on and so forth.
Your poem is talking about how time passes while baseball stands still. You said that baseball frustrates you. Show that. Go with your emotions and feelings. Senses too. You seem to lack any feelings in this poem, even sight. We need that! Show your frustration! Show your true feelings about baseball!
this poem was pretty good, but it still needs some work.
Thanks for the fun read!
*Emma*