Young Writers Society

Hi, WanderingCloud! My name is MJ, and I'm here to offer you some (hopefully) helpful critique on this work.

First off, it is clear from this blurb that you have a lot of potential as an author. You excel at painting pictures for the reader, and what I mean by that is you use language that creates an image in the reader's brain and really draws them in. You were able to perfectly describe the scenery in only a few short sentences, and that is a talent that is invaluable to an author. I hope that you will continue to use this skill to write novels, for you have potential to really go far as a writer.

However, there are still things about this work that could be improved (which does not mean that this work is bad, but in every piece of literature, there are things that can be improved upon). This work still seems a little rough-around-the-edges, and this paragraph seems a little all-over-the-place. The first three sentences do a wonderful job of establishing the scenery, but then the fourth sentence ("It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter") seems out of place and doesn't tie in with the rest of the paragraph. The same can be said for the next three sentences, which are all fragments that don't seem connected to the rest of the paragraph. I feel like these are just unconnected fragments of thought, which is a fine starting place, but for this to be the best work you are capable of, a better transition into these thoughts would be very helpful and make this piece feel more connected and smooth.

Overall, I loved the message of self-discovery and the metaphorical contrast between light and darkness. You used imagery wonderfully here, which makes me suspect that you would be a good poet as well. I would love to see you continue to experiment with this idea, maybe even changing directions by writing this as a poem instead and seeing where that takes you. Either way, it was a pleasure to read your work, and I hope to be able to see your work in the future! If you have any questions about my review, please let me know, and I'll do my best to clear up any confusion.

All my best,
MJTucker

Hiya, WanderingCloud! Just dropping in for a quick review. As the piece is so brief, I don't have a great deal to say, but hopefully you'll still find this helpful.

You've obviously got a keen vocabulary and an aptitude for description. I like your attention to detail and how you focus on small images like the firefly resting on the narrator's hand and the whispers of the crickets. Even though it's a very short piece, it is immersive and carries a strong sense of setting and atmosphere. I actually think you could exploit more of the senses, though. You use the visual and make a brief allusion to sound, but I think smell and touch are underused. There's scope to talk about the scents of grass and earth on the air, or about how the characters arms prickle with the cold breeze. If you do that, you'll really bring the description to life.

I'll also say that, while this is a pretty good description, don't get lost in fancy words. Some of the lines in this come across like you're trying too hard to be profound, and they don't actually make much sense. Take these bits:

I looked through the September window sill

Breezes waving past midnight made them dance and giggle flickers.

I caught silverlinings of the moon for it to live again.

This is a very good little story, and I am very impressed with your level of vocabulary! It brought me away from reality during the time I was reading it, and I could feel the breeze and the fireflies. I do have two small suggestions for you. Is it possible to use more filler words and sentences? I felt a little lost, and it seemed a little clustered and clumpy. Another suggestion is to use multiple paragraphs. I saw a couple spots that could've split off and become different paragraphs. It is a very good story, and I hope you write more!