EDIT: Probably should be K-18 on further revision. Viewer discretion is advised, but rather poorly enforced.
This is a happy song, meant to be sung in a swash-bucklingly merry tune, with bucketfuls of dramatic long notes and pauses in the singing for added affect. Flirting with the audience is highly recommended but not obligatory.
(If some part does not fit in with the tune, try lengthening the note or adding a pause or singing it fast; there are supposed to be a lot of shifts in tempo.)
Chorus:
Here I sit and hesitate:
should I shit or masturbate?
Here I sit and hesitate:
should I shit or masturbate?
Verse 1:
I'm in a public toilet
and cannot merely soil it
with the juices of my loins -
but wait - another thought joins!
I have the freedom of freaking choice,
to pick wrongly and rejoice;
you know it's public for a reason,
masturbation is not treason.
I won't go to jail for it -
Oh noes! Here comes the shit!
Can't keep it back much longer,
Fast as fuck I museth ponder.
I've the time for only one,
see, just outside waits my mum.
Chorus:
So now you know why I hesitate
whether to shit or masturbate?
Here I sit and wrack my brain.
Oh, it's driving me insane!
Verse 2:
My question lies: to give in
to my lust (in selfish sin)
or relieve myself of strain?
Lo, I clench my head in pain!
There are pros and cons to weigh,
Black and white churned into grey.
But then... an idea, springs to mind,
the gears up there lock and grind.
Chorus:
So... now... here I sit and don't hesitate,
I take my shit and masturbate!
It ain't wrong, don't give me hate,
I'll have my shit and masturbate!
Verse 3-ish:
Minutes later I wash my hands,
Empty stomach, empty glands.
Grinning at the mirror I have to ask,
"Who said men can't multitask?"
---------
A/N:
Based on a poem I wrote some time ago titled, 'Potty Poetry'. I randomly sang the poem to myself and decided it would make a fine merry tune. Cobbled up a few choruses, fixed up the uglier lines and here we are! I might post a video of me singing this in a horrible voice, 'cause the tune is most probably right only in my head, but that is for later, if ever. Here's to hoping you have a merry old day!
Hello there {USERNAME}! I, Kyllorac, writer of the notorious pee poem that reigned supreme upon the front page for days, will be reviewing you today on this very fine Review Day. Considering the aforementioned credentials, I think this piece is quite up my alley. ;P
With that said, onto the review!
This is definitely not anywhere in the elementary school range. This is more like high school range, and according to the site rating guide, this would definitely net an 18+. Masturbation is a sexually-explicit sex act, and the presence of "fuck" definitely pushes it above 16+ to 18+. Just so you know. I have no idea what you actually rated this as since ratings aren't visible within works, but if you didn't rate this 18+, I strongly recommend you go back in and do so.
Now, with that said, choruses are typically the same throughout a song, with minor changes if there are any. The differences between your choruses strike me as being a bit more drastic, and combined with how different the verses are, there's really nothing which says "lyrics" to me. This reads pretty much like a poem with Chorus and Verse inserted haphazardly throughout. Now, this might sound entirely different when sung, but as it stands, I really can't see how it would be sung.
It's got a decent flow for a poem, though there are lines which really need reworking. For instance:
What the heck is that line supposed to mean? Is a typo? If so, and if you were aiming for "musteth", such language is horribly out of place compared to how modern the rest of this is. Just stick to "must" or some other multi-syllabic synonym that isn't of the Ye Olde Englishe variety.
I also find it really odd that the narrator has this apparent compulsion to masturbate in a public toilet. Almost like it's a better place to do the deed than the bathroom at home (though considering the mention of the mother...).
Oh dear. It appears in my haste to review this, I forgot to remember to change the {USERNAME} out for your name, WaitingForLife.
Take it as a sign your piece left an impact on me?
well, I thought it was crude at first, but then as I read more, I found it kind of funny. I really like the ending where he states that men can multitask.
Here is my opinion:
Spoiler
Sincerely,
Me.
One and all, we are entitled to our opinions. It would seem our humour is worlds apart and, alas, intergalactic bridges seem to be out of commision for now. Shame, really.
Have a merrry day!
I second her opinion...
And I second my reply. Funny world, isn't it?