Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
The Cadillac halted, the rain buzzing down the windscreen. We were engulfed by trees and surrounded by dead nature. There was no colour to be found; just a pitch black entity. You didn't exactly make it easy for me to sit and wait, and instead I gazed into your green eyes, which contrasted your pitch black attire; a dress, clad with a cape, an effigy unmatched by anyone, with ministers galore bowing to your feet- including me. The darkness of the night smacked down on my head. The moon squirmed through the trees, barely still standing after ferocious gales of wind- the only living thing in this region. The atmosphere was incredibly tense, as you rubbed and squeezed my thigh. I could only retaliate with the same motion, except I moved up slightly further, until I reached a velvety casket.
We rushed outside the Cadillac, and I slammed you down on the top of the car. I kissed you and would not stop feeling you. You reasoned the same; you dug your nails into my back through my t-shirt. We would not stop kissing, and something inside of me was stimulated, ready to pounce on you in the night.
You smiled for the first time in a long time; you directed me into the trees, the leaves surrounding us and circling us. I pushed back the branches, to reveal a young, sexy and utterly enchanting entity, and you were it. You had no more clothes on. Your breasts were like a goddess'. I felt inferior, but welcome to give you pleasure. I wanted to be inside you. I wanted to feel you. I wanted to make you satisfied. I knew how to do this, and so did it with a single kiss. Soon, my clothes disintegrated, and then we were a combined mass, linked in memories of sweats.
I inserted. You could feel me grinding and pulsing but couldn't see; I was illuminated into the twilight. I pushed back your veil of lust and wonder and mystery. I exposed you, a formerly introvert ant queen, reserved in the midst of her colony, into an extrovert rose, blackened and with many a thorn. Your heavy breathes were in sync with mine, the rain beating down on our backs, locked into a sensual groove of passion. We could sense the moon shining onto us, nature's perfect voyeur.
I could sense the heat coming up, released as a white foam in today's darkness. Light was needed, but maybe not in the literal sense. I could also feel you getting increasingly wetter. I once assumed it was the rain, but it turned out your private rain stash was unveiled. We release the massive tension onto each other, and we could both sense the liquid inside. We were like animals, under a darkened abyss. Our private cave; forever more.
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Whoa. So this work is really heavy going on the sex factor. XD
I think you are a good writer, but you need to ensure that you provide enough description for the reader to sink their teeth into.
Think of it has having the reader as one of the characters, and they want to be just as involved, it's that important. Work on sections such as this: " I could only retaliate with the same motion, except I moved up slightly further, until I reached a velvety casket."
How does it smell?
How does it sound?
How does it taste?
etc etc etc
And then shove all that in there and come up with something deliciously descriptive.
Hey!
For some reason when I was reading this, it all became very cinematic. I don't know what kind of premise I had in my head, but it was written in a very illustrative way, which was good.First of all, I haven't seen you around much before, so hi hi hi.
Second of all, great title <3
I kind of agree with some of the comments in the previous review, and I think you could jazz up some of the language you use to make these piece seem more visceral and sexually stimulating in the mind of the reader.
(There is so much opportunity for detail here.)
When you combine these lines:
it all seems a little bit fast, like... WHOA. They are having sex. Quite a shock for the reader because it came out of nowhere. You definitely need a lead in for this. It's important, not only in terms of continuity, but also for helping the reader interact with the narrative.
You have the bones of a highly sexed, well thought out, Gothic style erotic story here. I think if you develop on some of the sensory description, you will make the reader feel like they will be the one being f@cked, so to speak.
*nervous giggle*
Keep writing
~BSF
Hello! Clarice Arrais with a review here.
Let me tell you what I felt like reading.
It was a progressive narration, nice scene descriptions, but a little too fast. This speed in the progression did not give me the time to feel the tension they were in. You describe it, but I could not feel it. It was too sudden.
Maybe if you try to hang on a little bit more admiring her, describing her features instead of only the clothing. What about her hair, scaping from the cape? Her soft hands, etc.
Sometimes you were too "straight to the point". You can always delay some action with vivid descriptions and movement verbs. It's like reading in slow-mo: you get thrilled but you do not want it to finish.
I liked the short story, but I still wanted you to explore it a bit more. Especially in the end.
I liked these parts:
1."(...) a dress, clad with a cape, an effigy unmatched by anyone, with ministers galore bowing to your feet- including me." I loved the bowing reference, well written!
2. "The moon squirmed through the trees, barely still standing after ferocious gales of wind- the only living thing in this region." I loved this decription, I felt it.
You should explore more your describing techniques in these parts below:
1. "(...)just a pitch black entity."
You sticked with the word entity, but you could make it rich with side adjectives. Like "deceiving entity" or "seducing entity" or "inocent-looking entity".
2. "(...) and something inside of me was stimulated,(...)"
You can rewrite this part, give us more details! Like "something inside of me stirred, awakened from a deep sleep..."
3."(...) we could both sense the liquid inside(...).
You can rewrite this part as "we could both sense the changes inside, softening, slippery..."
My advice is: exercise your scene description, explore it more!
You did a great job here, but keep working and rewriting. Sometimes we have to rewrite a good job to make it excellent. =)
See you!