Path of a Savior

by WIWWfreeze

Published July 11, 2012

In Path

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CHAPTER: One


 


The snow crunched beneath my feet. If this kept up, my quarry would elude me for sure. I glanced around, looking for something to muffle the sound. All I saw was snow. Wait…..yes...I definitely saw some ice too. So looking up, I used the only resource available to me. Grabbing a branch, I pulled myself into the tree, climbing to a decent height. If I remained too close to the ground, I would be heard, and the purpose of taking to the trees would be lost. However, only a fool would traverse any higher, for to do so would cause you to lose sight of those you were tracking.


I’d been following this group for days. If I'd wanted to kill them, rob them, or even capture them, I would have been long done with this. But no, this was something more along the lines of persuasion. It seemed so simple when I thought about it. All I had to do was join my own army, on my own side, with my own ideals, and fight for the things they were fighting for. I knew deep down that this was one of those, ‘Easier said than done’ kind of things, but it really shouldn’t be all that hard. The only issue is that the Nardikes, the group of feminine warriors that I’d been trailing, would probably try to kill me on sight. 



So there I perched, in the freezing Carvanian Forest, waiting patiently as the Nardikes make camp. The young and old were permitted to go inside, to relax in the warmth of  their tents, while the rest built the fire, and prepared dinner for everyone. The smell of the cooking stew was so rich it set my stomach on edge. I hadn’t been able to hunt since the last time they broke camp, for fear of losing them, so I hadn’t eaten in four days. My stomach growled so loudly, it’s a wonder that I didn’t cause an avalanche.



“Dinner!” The scream echoed throughout the camp. All the Nardikes gathered around the fire, except for the unlucky few who got stuck with guard duty at meal time. Everyone else was present. It seemed like a good time to reveal myself to them. Plus, I was really hungry.



I climb down to a lower limb, and push off. Landing in the circle of warriors, I gave them a moment to take it all in. They had no way of knowing that I had been in a tree. To them it must have appeared as though I had just fallen from the sky.



A woman pulled a sword on me, swinging it at my head. I took a step back, and she followed me, swinging all the while. She forced me to retreat backwards, toward the forest. Echoing throughout my mind is the first thing I ever learned in combat. Be aware of your surroundings. More often than not, people die more from their mistakes than their opponent’s blade. 



I sidestepped her next swing, pulled back on a springy branch and watched it collide with the back of her hand, knocking her sword to the ground. 



She spun on me, swinging a dagger in the other hand. Stepping away again, I pretended as though my foot had become caught in the snow. Dragging it, I cleared the snow from the ground, leaving behind nothing but a thick layer of ice. The woman chargee at me again, but I made no attempt to move out of the way as she came across my newly exposed defense, the ice patch, slid forward into my waiting, out stuck foot, and was rewarded with a mouthful of snow.



Turning from her, I headed back to the fire, ignoring the confused faces, I picked up a bowl and asked, “Might I have a little of that?” 



The poor girl serving everyone had no idea how to respond. Since no one else had gotten up to aid my assailant, it was clear that they had expected her to kill me with ease. Oh well, I thought, because it really wasn't my problem. What was my problem was that I didn’t think anyone is going to feed me if I don’t explain myself. Actually, the girl who was getting back up, looked like she was ready for round two, and she probably would have had help the next time. 



Sighing, I stood tall and said loud enough for everyone to hear, “I did not come here to fight you. I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I realized after I said it that this was maybe not the most effective plea for innocence. It was sure to anger them to some extent. An army that had opposed some of the mightiest in all of the country, and here I was clearly stating that I believed I could take them all on, and win.



One woman had clearly been offended. Standing, she addressed her comrades and spoke clearly, “I cannot believe the audacity of this youth. Clearly he is not to be respected, for the simple fact that he is a man, despite the fact that he is not a man at all, but still just a boy. But to come to us, injure one of our finest warriors,” only then did I actually look at the woman. It seemed as though her ankle was hurt, but how in the world was it my fault that she hurt herself, trying to kill me? “And then requests that we feed him? Well I say he deserves not food, but death!” 



She pulled a spear from her place on the ground, and hurled it at me. Sidestepping I caught the spear by the shaft, right behind the tip, and pivoted to the right. I sent it flying into a tree, the forked tip putting two holes in the tree, and trapped a bird that was flying past, between the two prongs. “Don’t, do that again.” I walked to the bird, pulled the spear off of it, and it flew away, unsure of what happened, but happy to be alive and unharmed.



 

Awestruck, the Nardikes heeded my warning. Or at least no more spears were flung toward my head.



The woman, refusing to look like a total fool, tried to maintain a little of her obviously large ego, for she exclaimed, “A god! A god he must be! For whom else could hope to make such a throw? Much less catch a spear thrown by me.”



I spoke calmly,  “I am no god, nor of godly descent. Merely skilled beyond skill, for I have been trained beyond training.”



The woman responded with a questioning sneer. “Then who, might I ask, are you? Who are you to come to us for food, if you are so high and mighty? Why do you not carry a weapon, if your training has been so extensive? But most importantly, what brings you here?”



My reply was honest and simple. “I am Desthlin Throne Giver. I am hungry because I have not eaten since you last made camp. I am not armed because I believed it would lead only to more trouble.” It was true, but I omitted the fact that if the worst came to the worst, I could have killed everyone in the camp with just my hands. “There are only three things that I want with you.”



It was clear that she thought she had won at tat point. She failed to hide the smug little smile on her face.

“Now we have reached the truth of your nature. There are three things that men always want,” addressing her comrades, she named off her personally devised list, “He will want free labor from us, as though we were his lowly slaves. He will expect our finest belongings to become his, and he will expect to find a woman awaiting him in his bed every night. I find it rather disgusting, if anyone were to ask me.” She then spat, not on me, but just in my general direction.



Shaking my head I said, “Wrong, false, and untrue, although I can see that you were really trying, and not going off of  stereotype. I appreciate the understanding.”



She was clearly flustered by my words. “Well, what else could you possibly want?”



“Firstly, I want some of that heavenly smelling stew.” I held my bowl out to the serving girl, and I smiled at her when she handed it back to me, full of food. I ate for a few minutes, wolfing it down as gracefully as I could, then drained the last dregs of stew from my bowl. I looked back at her, and saw that she was rubbing her hands on her bowl, trying to warm them while the stew was still hot. I walked back over to her. 



She looked up at me, “Would you like some more?” she reached for my bowl, but I caught her hand before she could take it. A look of terror crossed her face.



“Relax,” I instructed her. She didn’t exactly relax, but she didn’t try to pull away, which was good enough for what I was doing. I took off my gloves, and dropped them in her hands. “Take them. They are made from rabbit, and are very good for cold hands,” I told her. She pulled them on slowly, as though she were half expecting me to take them back. Relief was instantly apparent, and a huge smile broke out on her face. It was clear to me that she had never been given anything before, especially not something so precious as gloves.



“Thank you for your kindness,” was all she could manage. Then she leapt up and wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me, then let go suddenly when she remembered that I wasn't  supposed to even be here.



“You’re welcome,” I said, returning her smile. I turned to face the crowd of women, the one who had been prosecuting me looked mollified, and asked, “Now, where were we? Ah yes, moving on to the next thing I want. I am supposed to find what I have always wanted, here with you.”



A woman, not the same as before, asked, her voice hardly above a whisper, “What exactly is it that you’re supposed to find?”



“I don’t know. I don’t even know what it is that I want.” I paused for a moment, “I can only think of one thing. Yet it's also the third thing, so the it can't be it. I want to train you to fight, I want to help you take back the land that was stolen from you by unholy men, and I want to be the one to ensure that the rightful queen be placed on the throne that was so unlawfully given.”  



 

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
davidechoe13
Comment
davidechoe13 commented Comment · Jul 19, 2012

Hey, good job on the story i'm pretty sure the others reviewed your work quite nicely so i just wanted to say WELCOME! sorry if i'm a little late doing that, but anyway great job on the story i will look out for more. (There is more right?)

User avatar
hudakp Comment
hudakp commented Comment · Jul 11, 2012

It's quite interesting although I don't understand, why he was waiting that long to speak to them after jumping from the tree... Also if the Nardikes are so good warriors I don't think it would be easy to kill them all if he wanted. There are small logic mistakes, but I'm still curious how it will continue. :) good luck

Hmmmm....I have reasons why he could kill them, but I hadn't given any thought as to why he would have waited so long. Obviously he was in the tree, waiting for them to all gather in the general area, but I don't know why I made him follow them for so long. I might just re-write it.

User avatar
EvensLily
Review
EvensLily wrote a review Review · Jul 11, 2012

Hey WIWWfreeze!

oh, and welcome to young writers society. I'm Evenslily and I'll be your awesome reviewer today, if I say so myself :)

I'd like to start of by saying, this is a marvelous start to a story. I enjoy the way it's written and adore the different techniques and styles of words you use.

However, I feel that sentence structure is your weak point. What you need to focus on for your next chapter is not using so many commas. In my opinion, what your style of writing needs is more defined sentences where it is clear when a sentence starts and finishes.

A few nitpicks! :) xx
- First Sentence: Repeat of same words: If this kept up *kept up* ! You need to be careful, because if people see a mistake right at the beginning, they won't read on.
- Word Meanings: *I would have been long done with this.* I personally wouldn't use this to end your sentence. I would say - If I'd wanted to kill them, rob them, or even capture them, *I would have done so by now.*
- Grammar: *Crowd of women* - Crowd of woman!
- Grammar: *So than it can't be* - So then it can't be.
- Word structure: as the Nardikes *made camp* - I would use *make camp*
- Grammar: *was so rich,* - I would personally, take the comma away.
- Silly mistakes!: *tat* point. - THAT point! xxx
- Word meanings- She failed to hide the smug little smile *on* her face. - Maybe try *from her face* ?
- Grammar: *could, then* - maybe use *could, and then*?

Personally, I think your writing style and the way you manipulate the words to fit in your story is brilliant. You just need to fix a couple of little grammar issues and then, sweetheart, you'll be MAGNIFICENT!

Well done, seriously! I know it can be nerve wrecking when you first add your work onto any website, so well done, and good luck in the future.

Definitely keep writing! :)

Love,
Evenslily xx

Thanks for the input. I didn't realize a lot of those things. Some of the grammar was because I was really tired when I wrote it, but I admit to over using commas. Also I do realize my shortcomings with word structure. Thank you. I have only ever posted anything on one other site, and all the feedback was good. I think they were basing it off of my profile pic, and that's no help at all. Thanks for the help!



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman