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Young Writers Society



The Next Santa

by WGirl


Up in the North Pole, there is a special academy for children whose only ambition in life is to give other children happiness. This academy, the Excellency, Laughter, and Fun Academy, is more commonly known as The E. L. F.

Anyway, in a small town in Michigan, there was a young lad of 17 named Sprite. He had a straight, black Mohawk, glasses that covered eyes blacker than his soul, tattoo sleeves, a Rottweiler as a pet, and a curious scar on his cheek that was shaped like a cloud. He has had it ever since he could remember. Actually, Santa Claus crept into his room a when he was an infant and stabbed him with a cookie cutter at his face, marking him as the Selected One.

Our Sprite had no idea he was part of a great prophecy that had been written far before he was born. He was about to find out.

At the time of the abduction, around midnight, Sprite was in a small alleyway, giving himself three more piercings in his tongue while simultaneously smoking weed and rummaging through the trash to find food.

“Aah,” he moaned as his blood cascaded down his neck, “I’ve never felt so alive!”

All of the sudden, Sprite heard a loud bang from behind him, and a grunt that sounded like a pig being stabbed in the neck.

Whipping around, he saw one fat little black-booted foot sticking out from behind the rusty trash cans and one pudgy pale hand twitching feebly from underneath a cardboard box.

Sprite, being the street-savvy, quick thinking kid he was, stowed away his bloody crooked piercing needle, stomped on his joint, rolled up the sleeves of his favorite black “Death to Society” T-shirt, and tiptoed like a ballerina over to the mysterious body.

Cautiously, he peeked behind the random alley objects and screamed.

Lying on the floor was a fat old man with a fluffy white beard, red nose, and a little mouth with worm lips. The man was wearing a stained wife-beater shirt that showed his curly white chest hair, baggy jeans, and Jordans. The fat guy groaned and sat up, only to be punched in the face.

“Ow!” he cried, gently caressing his swelling nose. “Why’d you hit me, Sprite?”

“Get away from me, you old sack!” screamed Sprite. “Why were you spying on me, you sick old fart?” He took out the bicycle chain he always kept in his back pocket of his black skinny jeans and waved it around warningly. “And how do you know my name?”

“Ah, young Disciple,” the old man said mysteriously, “This outfit is a mere disguise, so I could fit in to this neighborhood. I have known you since the day of your birth. Actually, I know all the names of all the children in the world. I see them when they’re sleeping and I know when they’re awake. I am Santa Claus!

There was a pause. Sprite backed away, while re-adjusting his leather, studded belt.

“Are you high?” he screamed, his black-as-death Mohawk bobbing up and down. “What are you smoking? You’re not Santa! You’re just an obese hobo!”

“I was the one who gave you that scar, Sprite,” “Santa” said, massaging his butt cheeks gingerly, wincing, “I have marked you as my own. Sprite, you are the Selected One! You will succeed me when I am dead and gone! You are the next Santa!”

By then, Sprite had enough. Letting out a wail, he ran into the rambling old man and attempted to stab his bloated stomach with his favorite black “My Soul is Shattered” pocketknife that he carried everywhere. However, he never got to, because instead of ripping open the man and spilling his entrails and blood onto the alley floor, the knife simply bounced off of him and caused Sprite to crash into the opposite alley wall. He hit the wall so hard he was knocked out. The last thing he remembered was seeing the old man’s chubby face looming over him saying “Don’t worry baby, you’ll be juuust fine!”
Sprite opened his eyes blearily to find a whole crowd of children hovering over him.

“AUGH!” he screamed, shooting upwards and knocking the kids to the ground. “I hate kids! EW! It touched me!” Sprite took out his handy-dandy travel-sized Purell from inside of his spiked leather combat boots. He squirted a large amount on his hands and began rubbing vigorously. “AHH! Ugh! Children I hate you! Get away from me! I will stab you! Wait- where am I?”

As he looked around the room, he realized that he wasn’t in the alley anymore. Nor was he in any place he ever saw in his whole 17 years of living.

The room was a large hall, like in one of those fancy academies. There were dim torches on the walls and tall windows that let the passerby see the fields, which were covered in snow. In fact, the whole place was freezing. Sprite wrapped his black hoodie around himself tightly.

“Welcome to E.L.F.!” boomed a voice from behind him.

Sprite turned quickly and saw the same old man from before, waddling down the winding staircase, his arms spread wide in greeting. Only now he was wearing a stupid red jumpsuit with a furry red hat and a thick black belt.

“You look stupid,” Sprite yelled. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the Excellency, Laughter, and Fun Academy! Where elves learn how to work for me! In your case, you will learn how to be me!”

“Wha-“Sprite sputtered “You can’t just take me from my street and bring me to this dump-“

“LALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Santa shouted, shoving his pudgy fingers into his ears.

And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship…. Just kidding. They hated each other.

To be continued…..


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166 Reviews


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Sat Dec 22, 2012 5:33 pm
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Charlie II wrote a review...



Hey WGirl,

There's some serious potential here. You've got a good eye for humour / comedy and the concept is great. I like that it's festive (and very appropriate for this time of year) although that does imply that you might have rattled this off quickly and not spent too much time reading over it and editing. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a bit of touching-up could improve this greatly.

In satire (which I guess is what this is) you've got to tread a fine line between being clever and being stupid. You've got a lot of the clever things here: the ELF acronym and the social critique of the goth "Sprite". Be careful not to overdo them. The characters can be extremes / stereotypes but it's got to feel fresh. If you do the same things over and over and over for the whole piece then it quickly becomes stale.

However! (And here's where writing comedy is difficult...) Sprite's armoury of assorted gothic clothing is brilliant. Rather than being repetitive, it's like each new one is part of the same joke and are enhanced by each one preceding them. Keep it fresh and clever and witty -- that's what makes things funny when they're written down.

Don't be afraid to be clever. The "Lalala -- not listening" line is a bit of a shame because it's not as strong as the rest of the piece. It doesn't really fit with Santa's character (as you developed him) so see if you can't come up with something more appropriate. Remember that writing in a style like this doesn't mean you have to write rubbish characters. The characters matter more than anything in these situations.

Keep trying and see if you can make the piece a bit longer too. The characters are interesting and there's definitely more room for development. Of course, also proof read and read the piece back to yourself: aloud. That way you'll hear for awkwardness in phrasing and where you can improve further.

Keep it up! :)




WGirl says...


Hi Charlie!
Thanks for your comment :)
This story wasn't serious, it was just for fun, and was kind of quickly-written, I admit, for the holiday. But thanks for the critique and encouragement!
WGirl



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Sat Dec 22, 2012 3:46 pm
abelgaiya wrote a review...



I understand you're 14 and have an over imaginative imagination. Even though it's difficult to regulate your novelty. However, here are a few things I'd like to point out.

Santa stabbed a defenseless infant?

"Don't worry baby, you'll be just fine" Seriously? You make Santa seem like a sick old pedophile.

It seems improbable that a bad ass street runner like Sprite would have Purell on him.

"LALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU" It seems you hadn't enough time to think of a better response because you were so excited about submitting the story.

You'd want to stop starting paragraphs with spaces. It looks disorganized and infantile. Try to read and study the works of other writers.

"And that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship... Just kidding. They hated each other" I like this end though. It was funny.




WGirl says...


Hi abelgaiya :)
Thanks for your comment. Actually, this story was meant to be ridiculous and un-realistic... but I'll work on it more anyway.
WGirl




Tons of cowering! Plus your name in the summer programme. A custom-designed banner. A cabin at Camp Half-Blood. Two shrines. I'll even throw in a Kymopoleia action figure.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus