The Water Elves ~ Chapter 1

I wasn't as thrilled with this as previous reviewers. I didn't notice much wrong with your technique, but I'm a big run-on sentence person too. What I'm going to critique is the plot.
Okay, from the first paragraph I'm getting an 'angsty teenage story' vibe. I know I'm quick to burn witches on that particular issue, but I agree with Conrad Rice when he said that the part about Leo Steeton needs to be taken out. When you state something about him in the beginning you imply that he is important, but you don't mention him again.
I don't understand why everyone dislikes your protagonist. You said that her friends left her because of an argument, elaborate. Why are all the other kids shouting insults at her? You give no reason for their cruelty, making me think that you are trying, probably not consciously, to establish the MC as a martyr so we'll sympathize with her.
I'm going to assume the plot hinges on Evie's newfound heritage as a Water Elf, not particularly original, but that's not too much of a fault. People will still read it.
Work on less passive narration is my parting advice.

Pretty good, but as one person said, nearly every sentence is a run-on sentence. If you try reading it aloud, you'll notice how awkward it is. Try breaking sentences up with commas, or just plain splitting them into two or three separate sentences.When it flows better it will be easier to pay attention to the good plot, without having to decipher never-ending sentences. No complaints about the actual story, though- good job!

Hi VulpixLover. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer.

So, you seem like you are off to an all right start in terms of the over all story. In terms of the first paragraph, however, cut out everything related to Lee Steeton. Get rid of it. You can introduce this guy later. And when you do, please don't make him so perfect like that. Or, if you do, at least give us a reason as to how the protagonist knows it beyond, "She just can tell." But, for now, wait on introducing him until later. Start the story off with something better than this.

Also, don't have the character describe herself in a first person story. Here's a wilder idea. Have another character describe her. Or, don't describe her at all. It's crazy, I know, and you're probably thinking, "How will people know what she's supposed to look like?" Well, what will happen is, you've already given us clues to know she's a teenage girl, right? Well, based on those, we'll all put together our own mental image of what she looks like. This draws people into the story much better, believe it or not.

I also think that the last part, with Evie sinking into the lake, wasn't as well done as it could have been. I'm guessing that there are magical forces involved in this. Have her try to turn back or something, and not be able to on account of those magic forces. As it is, you're just making her seem suicidal.

And, for the last point, take caution when mentioning the name of a song in a work. Not specifically for copyright reasons though. I thought much less of this story when I saw that the main character was tapping out the beat to "What I've Done." Why? What else do you expect from an angsty teen story but angsty teen music? The only way that could have been any more obvious was if the song had been "Crawling". Just say it was a song. No need to be specific if no matter what song you choose people are going to dislike it.

A good idea, but you've got some work to do. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

AVT for the win rachel !



laura xxx love you

Really Good!
But I do agree tht AVT is better
No Offence

In a nutshell - Good Work! (Y)

xxxxx

I love this soooooooooo much !!
its soooooooo good
ALTHOUGH
i prefer AVT :L
but love this soo good, and agree with comments above ^^^

love you
frankie xxx

Hi, I've been waiting for someone to critique my work and I was wandering about until I found this piece. So I will begin this instant. My corrections are in red and, where possible, the piece of your text I am correcting will be underlined. Righty then:

VulpixLover wrote:Chapter One



Leo Steeton. The hottest guy in school #FF0000 ">comma not to mention he was sweet and understanding and so full of life. I never dreamed that he would speak to me let alone notice me! #FF0000 ">This is the wrong way round. In this format you are saying that just noticing her is more amazing than speaking to her, which, I think is wrong. 'he would notice me, let alone speak to me!'. He just strode up one day and started a conversation with me and the next thing I knew, we were kissing for everyone to see. Yeah, I wish. #FF0000 ">I think you could make this more exaggerated by putting it into its own paragraph, if you see what I mean. The closest Leo has gotten to me is when we were paired together for a science project. He barely even spoke to me anyway so I’ve given up on him. Now, I hate him or at least that’s what I tell myself. I used to have friends until we had an argument and #FF0000 ">comma basically #FF0000 ">comma I lost and they told me they never wanted to speak to me again#FF0000 ">. (make the next part into a new sentence.) so I sit at a small table in the corner #FF0000 ">comma completely undisturbed by the insults people throw at me. My dad doesn’t understand why most people in school don’t speak to me. He thinks that my blonde #FF0000 ">comma medium length hair and deep blue eyes should capture people and make them never want to leave. #FF0000 ">I'm not sure about this line, it seems a little melodramatic that people wouldn't want to look away because she had blonde hair and blue eyes. I don't know, it could just be me. I totally disagree with him. For one, my hair is completely flat and not bouncy #FF0000 ">comma like he always tells people and for 2, #FF0000 ">I'm not sure you can even say 'for two' and make it make sense in a novel, but definitely no digits. ie: '1,2,3 etc'. I like my eyes being completely lifeless. It suits my personality. #FF0000 ">New topic = new paragraph. My dad decided to move here a couple of months ago and it was all good up until school. He told me to tell everyone my full name but I told him to get stuffed. I never use my full name, I just use Evie. Evie Baxter. I got along with most people and then, nothing. #FF0000 ">If you want this to make a more powerful impact, maybe you can say, 'and then... nothing.' I guess I lost interest in friendships and gave up on making new friends. No one likes me, then it’s not my problem.



My favourite part of the school day, is when the bell rings to signal the end of the day. Luckily for me, I had English last and Mr Stoker doesn’t notice when people tap their pens on their desks which is what I was doing. I tapped to the beat of What I’ve Done by Linkin Park. No one seemed to notice though #FF0000 ">comma as they were all too busy actually doing work. #FF0000 ">I'd say get rid of 'actually' it breaks the flow. All I could think about was getting home and swimming in the lake just outside my house. Yeah, that’s right; I live next to a lake. I’m not actually supposed to swim in the lake though #FF0000 ">comma and if dad caught me, I’d probably be grounded for like… well let’s just say a long time. #FF0000 ">Really like this part, it's really natural and sounds really true to your character. I swim in it anyway #FF0000 ">commathough #FF0000 ">comma but #FF0000 ">Get rid of that last 'but' and carry on with 'I'. I just have to make sure I’m out of the lake before he gets home #FF0000 ">comma which is about two hours after I finish school. So, I get quite a length of time in the water. About five minutes before the bell went I begun quietly sneaking my books into my bags and #FF0000 ">Replace with a semicolon. preparing myself for the very second I could be free of this Hell hole. I was on my feet milliseconds before the bell went and already headed for the door before anyone else had even thought about packing their bags. The sweet scent of freedom was blissful as I walked to the coat pegs, ignoring any comment someone chose to shout at me. #FF0000 ">I still don't get why they're yelling stuff at her. Why is she hated so much, just because Leo doesn't talk to her and she's fallen out with her friends. I mean, in my school, no one actually shouts obscenities. I was out of the building and walking home before anyone could yell anything more at me. #FF0000 ">This is a repetitive statement. I’ve had a lot of practice.



It didn’t take long to reach the house; about ten minutes at my walking pace. #FF0000 ">'at a walk' sounds better. The house my dad and I live in looks like a mansion from far away but when you get closer, it’s really quite small. Dad built it when he and my mum first got married. He bought for her as a marriage present. #FF0000 ">Do you mean, 'He had bought it for her as a marriage present.'? She loved water and the house, with its white walls and light blue window frames and doors, reflected the lake’s beauty magnificently. I dumped my bag down on the ground and began hunting for the key that was hidden right at the bottom of my bag. I searched for about five minutes before giving up and deciding to go in the lake without changing. I left my bag and the door and sprinted onto the platform suspended above the water. I kept running until I reached the edge of the platform where I dived into the water. The water #FF0000 ">You've already established that we're describing the water, so here you can just say 'it'. seemed to part around me as I dove deeper and deeper into the lake. I felt so at home in the water #FF0000 ">comma like nothing could touch or harm me. I swum #FF0000 ">'swam' until I reached the bottom then situated myself so I was in the perfect position to push off from the lake bed. #FF0000 ">Put this into a new paragraph. I gulped in a lungful of air and then dove down again. The lake bed was a few feet under but it seemed like a few centimetres to me. I can hold my breath for the longest out of everyone in my year. Don’t ask me how I do it, I guess it’s just all the swimming I do in my free time. I like to go exploring in the lake but I can only get so far before I have to turn back again as #FF0000 ">'since' is a better word to use here. if I kept going I risked being caught by my dad. #FF0000 ">This was a very long sentence and I had to stop quite a few times to take in all the information. I think you could do to cut this up a little. It was worse today considering I was going to have to break into the house because I had forgotten my key.



I turned back and sped towards the platform. Heaving myself up was easy, it was just walking with the weight of my wet clothes #FF0000 ">You have to add something here, 'it was just walking with the weight of my wet clothes that tired me' or something, that way this sentence will work.. I managed to open the window fine so I climbed in, pulled my bag in with me and squelched upstairs. #FF0000 ">New Paragraph. I changed into a t-shirt and jeans and dragged my clothes downstairs, noticing the wet shoe prints all over the carpet. The carpet #FF0000 ">Replace with 'it'. was ruined but who cared about that? My favourite pair of converse were ruined! Silly me #FF0000 ">Replace with just 'I', otherwise it sounds childish. forgot to take them off before diving into the lake. I was in the middle of stuffing my wet clothes into the washing machine when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered quickly.

“Hey, Evie I’m going to be late home tonight. There’s more work to do at the shop.” My dad’s voice yelled over the phone. He has never liked using the phone as he thinks he can’t be heard by the person on the other end #FF0000 ">comma so he shouts.

“Dad, that’s cool. What time you going to be back at?” I asked smoothly. The way this was going I could get a few more hours in the lake.

“I don’t think I’ll be back until about nine o’clock, honey. Sorry, you’ll have to fend for yourself on the supper situation.”

“That’s ok, dad. You work hard now! See ya later.” I hung up and sped upstairs. He wasn’t going to be back until nine o’clock which gave me at least four more hours in the lake. I changed into my swimming costume, a blue one piece slim thing, #FF0000 ">You mean the costume is slim? I don't get it, it also breaks the flow, leave it our. and practically flew back downstairs. I repeated the procedure with the platform and within seconds I was back in the water. I decided not to waste time mucking about so I sped off in the direction of the far end of the lake. Considering I always get to a certain part of the lake I decided now was the perfect opportunity to explore further. The water grew deeper and deeper as I pursued further and further into the lake. The once warm and lively lake #FF0000 ">Repetition of 'lake'. grew still and cold as if a different life had taken over. I continued forward anyway ignoring the feeling in my stomach telling me to turn around and get home.



I swam upwards and gulped in some air taking the chance to see how far I’d swum. I was at least half way across the lake and my house was just visible from where I was. I sighed and turned around examining where I was headed. It looked endless as if there was no end to the place I loved. I felt my eyes begin to droop as my exhaustion level increased. There was no ground under my feet to rest so I was constantly pulling myself up. I decided to turn back and rest or else I might collapse. Just as I turned and dove under, propelling my body towards the platform, my legs felt stiff and did not respond to what I told them to do. They dragged me under but I didn’t scream about it. #FF0000 ">Take out 'about it' and it'll make everything sound better. I tried my hardest to pull myself to the surface but my legs felt so heavy and #FF0000 ">Do you mean 'that', because it makes more sense that way. my upper body couldn’t pull them up. There was a short pain #FF0000 ">Can pain be 'short'? I think you could try another adjective. all over them next which increased with every movement I made. My arms began to sting with this pain shortly afterwards but I didn’t give up. I ignored the pain and without hesitating pulled myself to the surface. I took a deep breath preparing myself for the next time (if there was going to be a next time) I would be dragged under. #FF0000 ">Since the reader isn't stupid, we can gather that you mean another dragging-under, so you can leave this underlined part out. It did happen, unfortunately. The pain had stopped though and now I just felt plain… strange. My ears felt weird, like they were growing and the same feeling appeared in my feet. I used the last of my strength to pull my upper body towards my legs. #FF0000 ">What?



I don’t know how long I hovered there.

________________________

Well, this is the first part of the book and it's also my first post #FF0000 ">(good for you) so I apologise if it's not very good. #FF0000 ">You are wrong dear friend.

Hello, welcome to the YWS!
For some reason I liked this. I don't know why. Usually I'm more fussy when it comes to action (this didn't have that much) but I still found very entertaining.
You have a lot of . . . I think it's called run on sentences. For example:

Leo Steeton. The hottest guy in school not to mention he was sweet and understanding and so full of life.

For one, my hair is completely flat and not bouncy like he always tells people and for 2, I like my eyes being completely lifeless.