Published May 27, 2013
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
Hey there, Vryx! I'm June,
I think this poem is cute and sweet, but borders on the line of cliche. The thing is, poetry is one of the most common methods of expressing love, which means that the more people write it, the less exciting it becomes to read. If you narrate a love story with average love-ish vocabulary, chances are, it won't hold much of your reader's interest. However, if you accessorize it with details about what makes YOUR love story special, such as describing a feeling in your own words, you'll have a much better chance at creating a unique poem.
Happy review day,
June
aww this poem is soo freaking cute! is something i can really relate to it. i would have to agree with ivyLeonora you could think about how are you going to write this poems because it is sweet but it kind of does seem like you're begging for someone to love you which shouldnt be like that. I mean you can mean that if you want but try to play around with the words and instead of sounding a little "cheesy" as we could say, you can make it sound better, other than that very good job
Thanks Paola Marie ^_^
AWWWWWW.
i find this poem seriously sweet. i wonder though if you've ever used it to win a girl over, because in my eyes it would totally work. But thats just me,, cause im a sucker for sweet guys.
Althogh it is a great poem, i do think you should know there4 is a thin line between romantic and cheesy.
"Please don't be in love with someone else.
All I wish is for you to see
That I will give all that you need,
I will do anything."
No disrespect to your poem, but its sort of begging love and true love shouldn't have to beg. i mean don't get me wrong, the concept of the poem is great. it's just a bit rough around the edges.
Awww...^_^ thanks! Yes Ivy, I composed this and mixed rhythms and tunes to form a song... I performed it on stage and proposed
))
Hi there!
Okay I loved the language you used in this poem, and the feeling that I got was really great. Seriously, this poem made me happy. It's so cute, just an innocent (or at least that's what I got from it) love story. First love... aww! (by the way I know you're older than me it's just I think everything's cute I'm not trying to be like gah gah gah or whatever)
"
Every smile of yours
and your moves of grace
Darling you're the most
precious that I'll place; in my heart
"
you're saying something about the smile... then you leave the reader hanging.. after that you should be saying what every smile of theirs and their moves of grace do... what's the significance?
I don't understand the use of a semicolon here, you're not starting a new sentence, it doesn't work.
"
Giving me a chance
Is it hard to be?
I will prove you'll see
You're the one for me
"
Is it hard to be what? If you're trying to say is it hard to give me a chance.... say is it hard to?, but still I just don't like that there...
You need punctuation between I will prove and you'll see, preferably a comma. and after you'll see as well.
It should be "That you're the one I see". This is more grammatically correct and smoother to read.
"
Please don't be in love with someone else
All I wish is for you to see
I will give you all that you need
I will do anything
"
punctuation after someone else. See what? or is this person blind.... what do you want them to see?
"
Mystic Violet
don't set me free
cause you'll never ever know
what you're missing if you're missing me
please don't say those words
that would break my heart
cause loving isn't meant
to be this hard
"
comma after Mystic Violet
period after free.
I would use the full word because but your writing is your choice so if that's what you like, go for it.
what you're missing if you're missing me.... well I don't really know whether I like this but just be aware that it's a little awkward and if you think so, too you should at least try to reword it a little, but of course if you're content with it keep it that way. (it also needs a period after it.
"...and all the emptiness That I'm feeling and all that I can see
MYSTIC VIOLET wont you fall in love with me?
"
This part generally just didn't feel like it fit with the rest of the poem. It was long and didn't go with the scheme you had already set up.
randomly capitalized "T" in "that" needs to go...
"?" after see.
And that's all I have to say! Great job with this! Keep writing!
Thanks for the healthy criticism