Published February 18, 2012
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140,866 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I love it! The depth is amazing and it touched me so that I want to put it framed on my wall. Very beautiful and I like the way you wrote it alot.
'Ello! It's been a while since I gave anyone a review, so here's some of my personal changes and observations, starting from the top.
1. I would try out "wielded" instead of carried so you can carry the sound of the "w" through the poem.
2. I like thee repeating of "Long live" in stanza 1, lines 1 and 3, but I think you should either make the whole poem like this - repeating beginnings of line 1 and 3 in each stanza - or try to change one of the "Long live"s.
3. Spelling error: Imagina[n]tion.
4. I like that line: stanza 1, line 4. I like it a lot. It just sounds unique.
5. I don't feel like "idols" is entirely what you want in this poem, especially in that line. I think the piece would be better served by "servants", "gods", or "workers." [Right now, I like "workers" the best.]
6. "Forever... erase." doesn't entirely make sense. I think most of stanza 2 feels like you really had to work to fit all you wanted to say into these 4 lines.
7. The fourth stanza feels similar to the second. I feel you want to say much more than you did. Try writing out all of your ideas for this poem, then condense it into these stanzas. You'll probably end up having a longer poem, but it will be more fluid.
This is pretty good and you have a great starting point, you just need the whole of your ideas in there. Well writ.
Great poem. *sigh* nargles.
This is amazing. I love it so much. The meaning is so deep and the words go so well together.
I love the title as well
Wow, This is awesome! Keep up the awesome work.
Must say, the title of the poem is what caught my eye in the first place. (winks) And I'm glad it did. This poem was beautifully written. I very much enjoyed your word usage. Coupled with the rhyme scheme, it made for a nice read. There was but a single punctuation error, so I wasn't distracted by unnecessary problems. Overall, wonderful job. Simply wonderful.
Oh my gosh. This poem is aboslutely AMAZING! The rhyme and rhythm is REALLY good and i love the overal meaning! So many of the lines are amazingly deep and poetic! (There should be a comma after "love" in the last stanza though)...but yeah, I absolutely love it!