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It's All in My Head

by VousEsEtonnant

Oohhhh, he's coming! I've got to get ready! Clean my room, find something cute to wear, gotta make sure it's perfect. So much to do, so much to do. But I can't wait!

Riiiing! Riiiiiiing!

A text! Maybe it's from him. Where's my phone? Oh my god I lost my phone! Oh, here it is. No, just my mom. Ugh... Who..? What is that god forsaken banging at my door?! Great, it's my brother.

"go away!" god, can't this family tell I'm busy?

I'm being mean. It's the nerves. God, when will he tell me he is almost here? I know, I'll go find a better top to wear. Hmmmmmmm. I don't like the red. It makes my hair look awful.

Riiiiing! Riiiing!

It's from him! He's almost here! Okay. I've got to relax. Take a deep breath. Relax. You will be okay. You will go to the park with him and you will have so much fun. Okay. Right. I've gotta go downstairs to meet him outside.


oh, it's him! He's here! There he is. God, he makes me smile. I swear I love him. Here he comes, up the steps. I've gotta stop grinning so much.

Oh. I love this feeling. His arms around me. It's gonna be okay. It's all okay now. He's here.

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5 Reviews

Points: 873
Reviews: 5

Sun Oct 14, 2012 1:17 pm
TemptingDreams says...

Good :D I think I write similar to ou, but not so much about love...I am a bit weird, I write about some weird shit. But this is very good :D Especially for someone your age, I hope you write on! :D Make sure you keep us informed on the ending of this story...I would like to read about what happens on this 'date' :D Keep Writing!

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75 Reviews

Points: 605
Reviews: 75

Sun Jul 01, 2012 6:26 pm
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Tommybear says...

I loved this, coming from a guy, i kinda hope i make someone feel like this hahaha. Cheesey I know but i loved it. Good job :D

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1424 Reviews

Points: 79607
Reviews: 1424

Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:19 am
JabberHut wrote a review...

Hi, Vous!

This was a neat piece. (lol, I just spelled that as peace.) It's difficult to write fast-paced!

The voice in this case is well done. I definitely felt they were nervous. I found it weird that some of your grammar was off (simple grammar like capitalizing), so keep your eye on that when you go off on more writing endeavors.

If you were aiming for voice exercise in this piece, I think you hit the mark. Description-wise, it wasn't really there yet. I feel like much more could be done to describe who the character is and how they live. Even in the dialogue, that's possible to include.

I like how you mention other family members, so kudos on that. It'd give more insight on their personalities if we knew why those members were brought up in this piece. Not so much the text as her brother at the door, but both would be neat.

Call me picky, but when I extend my words (i.e. Riiing), I like to keep my multiplied vowels consistent, and I usually keep it around three total. Four if the vowel is actually doubled. There's no rule pertaining to that, but in my personal opinion, it cleans up your writing. Consistency is amazing!

I think the last sentence is probably the weakest part here. After all this rushing, I think the last sentence is intended to slow us down. However, it didn't really do that. In fact, maybe a lengthier or more poetic description in this line would help the reader feel just as calm as the character. It's kinda funny how different writing styles are effective in different spots.

That's all I have to say! It was fun to read, and again, great job on that voice. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

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8 Reviews

Points: 1262
Reviews: 8

Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:55 pm
SPAuthor wrote a review...

Hey, SP here to review. I suppose I'll start with the cons.
First off, for the most part your grammar is okay, but there are a few mistakes.
Here, when she says, "go away" it should be like this:
"Go away!" God, can't... Rather than "go away" god, can't... But that's just a capitalization problem. Also, the "oh" after the Slam! should be capitalized 'cause it's the beginning of a sentence. And when you spell out "Hmmmmmmm" I can tell she's thinking a while, but usually people don't put that many m's after words like that, just two or in some cases three, so I would recommend fewer m's.
And maybe you were going for this, but all the sentences are really short. That makes it fast-paced and snappy and kinda catchy, but it also makes the story really, erm, stop-and-go, jarred, choppy, something like that. Maybe you could put a few of the sentences together to make the shorter sentences more noticeable rather than just constant?
Alright, now, on the characters, I agree with Celdover. They're very one-dimensional, but again, maybe you were just going to show that one feeling. However, that makes the story a little unrealistic.
And I know it's a short story, but you could put a little more description in to make it more interesting. Like, what does her hair look like, what shirt does she finally pick, what type of phone does she have? Just little stuff like that to make it less one-pointed.
This story could also be confusing, but I get the feeling it was only based on a teenage girl and her feelings about meeting her boyfriend, and that's okay, I guess. You could explain a little bit more about the characters and their situation, though.
Now, enough with the cons and onto the pros.
You broke it up a lot, which I personally like, because it makes it much simpler to read. You also seem to have good grammar and punctuation, and I don't see anything spelled wrong, so kudos to you!
I also like the italics, it just gives it more variation. Plus, you did a good job of showing how a girl in this situation might actually act. Excited, anxious, and irritated with her brother like always.
Well, good job and keep writing!

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57 Reviews

Points: 7963
Reviews: 57

Fri Jun 22, 2012 9:48 pm
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Celdover wrote a review...

Hello there.

I must say, you did a great job of portraying a flighty teenage spirit. There's just one major problem: there's really not much else. I'm left wondering exactly what purpose you had in mind while writing this. Did you write this to experiment with showing emotions instead of telling? Is this an old piece of work that you wanted to post? Is this an excerpt for a story you have in mind? Or is it a blurb that came to you on impulse that you wanted to share? Perhaps if you enlightened me on what exactly you were going for I could help you a bit more. But as of right now I see a character piece, a work meant to explore the head of a character. I shall review it as such.

Like I said earlier, you did a good job of portraying your character's mind and how she feels about a few things, namely her family and her significant other. I found that the short and choppy sentences were effective at conveying a flighty spirit, someone who's trying to think about a bunch of things at once and is tripping over her trains of thought. This is a very effective way to establish a character. However, there is a problem: this character isn't a very interesting one.

While you have done a good job portraying your character's intense emotions you haven't done much to give her depth, and depth is what makes a character interesting. While I read this I felt only one emotion: OMG EXCITED! But real people (and interesting characters) are made up of more than one emotion. Right now I see your character as nothing more than a lovesick girl who needs a healthy dose of self-control (who may or may not be codependent), and that's not an interesting character.

If you want to add more depth to your character then maybe you could portray other aspects of her personality instead of just "OMG EXCITED!" Instead of just showing the emotions surrounding the events tell us about why she's so anxious. Maybe she wants to pick out the right outfit because she doesn't like disappointing the people she cares about. That indicates a person who has high standards for herself. Maybe she wants to look pretty so she can show the other girls her age who's the best, indicating a vain and competitive personality. Also, what does she like so much about her significant other? Describing that can clue the audience in on other aspects of her personality that may not be directly stated.

And I think that's really all that's relevant to talk about for this piece. The premise is simple, perhaps cliche, but there's nothing wrong with that for something this short. There are some spots where you forgot to capitalize, but otherwise the formatting (short and choppy sentences) helps to convey your character's personality, flat as it may be. The biggest problem here is that I'm not left with anything memorable about this character, which could be fixed if you found ways to give her more depth.

Of course, if you didn't intend this to be a character piece and had something else in mind you're welcome to drop me a message explaining exactly what you were going for. I'd be happy to do another review for you if that's the case.

Take care.


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— Samuel Butler