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New Story!(chapter one)

by VoraciousReader_545


I posted this on my other forum but nobody's critiqued it yet, so please critique it. anyway, it's actually Gone Away Home but I've posted it a million times, so people are problay going to get bored with the same chapter. The difference is it has a NEW PLOT. :

A thick cloud of smoke poured into the air. The house that had once stood tall amid the small development had crumpled to the ground, revealing a girl with almond- colored eyes and raven black hair, crying on the streets of New York City. She looked into her mother’s emerald eyes with fear and stole a quick glance over at her father, who was buried under large amounts of wood.

She looked up at the cliff, surrounding the remains of her house. At the very top was a large mahogany wooden door; Deidre couldn’t possibly imagine why a door would be on a cliff. The door served as a portal; of course she could not know that yet, seeing as she hadn’t entered. She was a bit anxious; the door looked hostile; a slab of wood was perched half on the cliff, the other half hanging loosely. Deidre gulped as she looked up at the door and how far she would fall if she happened to falter. But her courage won her over and she took a step forward, climbing up the cliff.

When Deidre arrived at the top, she was in awe. The door had no structure, at all. There was nothing, surrounding it. Nonetheless, she was curious and so her hand gripped the doorknob, firmly, and turned it; entering into, what she thought would be merely the other side of the cliff.

Deidre looked around, seeing nothing; she was eventually greeted by a man in a tuxedo and a red tie decorated by white polka- dots.

“Ah, greetings. I am Klaus; I do hope that you will head back, home, before the moon rises.” The man said with a grin, plucking a gray hair off his balding head.

“I’m Deidre; nice to meet you but why should I head home when the moon rises?” she asked apprehensively.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard!” He cried in astonishment.

“Heard what?” she asked inquiringly.

“Oh dear god! You haven’t heard!” he cried in dismay. “Come with me, girl! We have to get you out of here!”

Deidre looked at him in confusion. Why did she have to leave? And why was there another world behind a door? Her thoughts were interrupted by Klaus’s sharp and commanding voice. “Quickly!” he cried and they ran into the woods.

Deidre was marveled by the scenery. Vast fields of grass and lofty trees encircled them; almost as if ensuring that they would not escape. Deidre sat on a log and watched Klaus, intimately, as he muttered to himself and paced around, anxiously, wondering what to do.

“They’re going to kill me!” he shouted.

“Sir, why exactly are you in trouble?” she asked.

“You! You’re the problem!” he cried in a scornful voice.

“Sir?” she asked. “What did I do? I didn’t mean to get anybody in trouble. I’m sure you can fix it.”

“Fix it?” he laughed. “Fix it? The only way to fix it is for you to go back where you belong!”

“How dare you! Deidre screamed. “I did not do anything and you know that; admit it!”

“You traveled here! I’ll be in serious trouble if the government finds out; they have strict rules! Especially the one that clearly states: No mortals allowed!” he hissed unkindly.

“Mortal? You mean there’s magical creatures here?” she asked dumbfounded.

“Of course! Surely, that’s why you went through the door!” Klaus shouted.

Deidre was baffled. Magical creatures? Another world? Mortals? What was going on here?

“I have no clue what you’re talking about!” Deidre cried.

Klaus looked at her, mystified; not willing to believe her words. “Wait a minute!” Deidre shouted her eyes glinting happily.

“What?” Klaus snapped. “What have you found out?”

“That door! It has a secret!” she whispered in exhilaration. “That door contains this world, in which we stand. That door,” she continued, breathlessly. “That door is a portal.”

Deidre let the words sink in. Klaus began to become angry as he watched Deidre smile at him, lovingly, from the worn log that she was sitting on.

“Sir, what’s wrong?” Deidre asked in a troubled voice.

Klaus scratched his head, a gray hair falling off. “Please just leave.” He whispered.

“But sir.” Deidre complained, her eyes watering.

“Deidre.” He growled.

“Sir.”

“Deidre, no more games.” Klaus said.

“I’m not playing games, sir. Honest.”

“Deidre, go before I get angrier.” Klaus said, walking up to her and elbowing her in the ribs, gently. “Go!”

“No, sir.” She whispered.

“Now, girl! NOW!” he commanded as if she were a wild animal instead of a girl.

“I can’t go, sir. You need me to help you!”

“And what do I need help with?” he retorted. “Am I stupid, Deidre? Do I look stupid? Tell me. NOW!”

“Sir! Calm down!” she demanded.

“Why?!” he snarled.

“Because…” Deidre replied trying to make up an excuse. He didn’t need her help, really. She just wanted somewhere to stay since both of her parents had just died and she didn’t want to end up with her horrendous relatives. “Because I’m the Great Warrior.” She replied, thinking fast.

“The what?” he asked.

“The Great Warrior, of course! Don’t tell me you haven’t heard! The Great Warrior is always summoned when another world is in danger.”

“Our world isn’t in danger! We would’ve known by now.” He hissed.

“But only the Great Warrior knows!” she insisted even though she knew that everything she was saying was just a pack of lies.

Klaus glared at her, suspiciously. “I’ll believe you, Deidre, but if you aren’t telling the truth then you know what happens.”

Klaus lay down in the center of the forest, underneath the tall sycamore tree. Deidre sat next to him nod looked at him uncomfortably. The poor man was aging and growing weaker. Deidre feared what she would do if he died. He was the only one who knew she was a mortal. What happened if the magical creatures found out?

And as the sun set, leaving the woods in complete darkness, Sarah couldn’t help but worry. How was she going to live up to her pack of lies? Deidre glanced up at the moon, which shone incandescently, in the clearing. The fog parted and revealed a tall and mysterious man, shaded completely. He grabbed Klaus and dragged him into a small cabin. She heard his immoral laugh and wondered what he was doing. She heard a loud thump and instantly knew. Deidre froze. Klaus was dead.


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221 Reviews


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Tue Mar 15, 2005 3:15 pm
Kay Kay says...



:D LOL! Okay first person is where the main character is telling the story saying like I did this and I did that. You know what I mean? And then third person is where the main character isn't telling the story and you are. Meaning that you tell what the main character does by saying like:
Deidre went to the mall.
First person being:
I went to the mall.
Get it? What do you mean by I want more? More what?




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Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:46 am
ohhewwo wrote a review...



I want more now!!!

The idea is really awesome. But I don't know what ya'll 'r talkin' about with the 3rd and 1st person stuff. Isn't an omnipitent (I don't know how to spell it, sorry :lol: ) figure tellin' it?




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Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:25 pm
Kay Kay says...



If you are going to write it in third person then yeah it would be a good idea to use her name in the first paragraph. What do you mean no one is at RK? Last time I went there, there was a lot of stuff on there. I stopped going there cuz no one critted any of my stuff. :cry:
But anyway, I can't wait to read more of this story.




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Fri Mar 11, 2005 6:30 pm



I hate when people used 'I'. Should I just metion her name in the first paragraph? Anyway, come back to RK! No one's there :cry:


~Ashley~ :twisted:




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Fri Mar 11, 2005 3:27 pm
Kay Kay says...



Yeah I'm Kayla! Okay, the reason that I asked who was telling the story is b-cuz in the second paragraph you started it out with she and that kind of threw me off. Also, you keep saying Deidre did this and Deidre did that which made it really confusing since she is telling the story. It looks as though someone else is telling the story. It would be a good idea to decide whether the story is going to be first person or third person. Then, you can't really tell that the mother is dead too, but try maybe something like:

I looked down into my mother's unblinking eyes with fear of the fact that she was dead and stole a quick glance at her father, who was buried under large amounts of wood.

Okay then you changed her name to Sarah. LOL!! :D Now I understand where the man in the coat or whatever in chapter 2 came from. Good job.




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Thu Mar 10, 2005 6:30 pm



KayKay: Yeah I'm Ashley. I'm guessing you're Kayla. Anyway, Deidre is the main character so she's telling the story.
Maybe I'll make the first paragraph like this instead. What do you htink of it? Does it show that she's telling the story? Can someone help me? I cna't seem to tell that her mother's dead in htis paragraph(same with her father) That's why she's scared, by the way.:
A thick cloud of smoke poured into the air. The house that had once stood tall amid the small development had crumpled to the ground, revealing a girl with almond- colored eyes and raven black hair, crying on the streets of New York City. Deidre looked into her mother’s emerald eyes with fear and stole a quick glance over at her father, who was buried under large amounts of wood.




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Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:50 pm
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Kay Kay wrote a review...



Deidre? Who's that? Okay at the begining, who is telling the story? Wow! I wish I had read it on real kids...I haven't been on there much lately. Anyway, I loved it and can't wait to read more. :D





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