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by VoraciousReader_545

Anybody from RKRA has seen this before but not alll of you are from there so I''ll post it. Please critique.This is the first part. The second part wasn't any good so I'm working on it.:

Have you ever seen something so amazing you can’t let it go? In many cases the answer would be yes. In this case, however, the answer is no. Why? I’ll never know but the summer my mother died and the summer my father abandoned me I stopped loving. That’s the reason my father abandoned me; he said that without mom around I was nothing to him and that he didn’t love me. This brought me to tears; it really hurt. And now that I’m twelve, six years has passed since my mother died. Six years has past since my father said I don’t love you. And many years have passed since every single foster family said the same hurtful words.

Yeah, I’m over it all right. I’m over the time my dog died and I’m over the time my brother and I were separated and put into different families. I’m over the time that my father first took out the long leather belt. Yeah, you might say I’m over many things— because I am. It’s just something that happens in life as you go through hardships and get accommodated to new faces and places. Yeah, I’m over many things but most of all I’m over people not loving me. And that’s their mistake, not mine.

But there is one thing I’m not yet over after six years. I’m not over the time that my foster mother left my side. I never thought that I would love again but when I met her my life changed. It was the hardest goodbye I had ever had to say in my life. I’m mad at myself because I know that I’ll never get over that trauma. I’ll never be over the time I made the biggest mistake in my life. And nothing will ever change that.

I was six years old when I met Cassie Bernok. I wasn’t expecting much. I was expecting that when she first saw me that she would toss me out like a load of smelly garbage. But she didn’t— she surprised me. She waved at me and smiled— something I hadn’t seen since my mother passed away. I smiled back and as I looked into her emerald eyes I saw my mother in her. I thought I would cry. And I did.

“Would you by any chance be Misty Wyckoff?” she asked with a smile. She held her hand out for me to shake. I took it, trembling. Even her touch was that of my mother’s. “I’m Cassie Bernok,” she added.”

“Um… yeah,” I said smiling back. “I’m Misty. Nice to meet you.” I loved her. She reminded me of my sweet beloved mother— but that was the problem. I didn’t want her to end up like my mother.

My mother was the nicest person I had ever met. But that was just the problem. She was too sweet for her own good. One night she went out with my father to a concert (my parents were very outgoing). My father left to get some punch for my mother and then a guy came over to her. He was wearing a long black ski mask— the kind that burglars wear. My mother was scared; she knew something was wrong. And then he asked her if she was Ariana Wyckoff. When she said yes he smiled to my father who had just come back from the juice bar.

My father tried to push him back— apparently he knew this man and what he was up to. But the man was too strong for my father and so the man took out a slim black gun and fired. His aim was at my mother and as soon as the bullet hit her she was gone. Just like that. It was hard for me to believe that my mother had lost the battle so easily and that anyone would even dare to think about shooting my mother. But they did and I didn’t want that or anything like it to happen to my new foster mother.

“So, Misty,” she said pronouncing my name as if it were significant. “I figured that we could get to know each other better… do you like to boat—go white water rafting?”

I jumped in enthusiasm. None of my foster parents had ever done anything fun or included me in anything. I was worse than a pet. I guess they thought I was a servant because it seemed to me that they adopted me to poke fun at me and shout orders. But not Cassie. I sensed a change, coming. My life was about to get ten times better. I had Cassie to thank. I had a feeling this woman jumped to conclusions, quite often. Whether that was good or bad I didn’t know at the moment. But I did know one thing: I had found my mother and she, I was sure, was my guardian angel.

:roll: :roll:

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359 Reviews

Points: 29565
Reviews: 359

Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:33 am
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...

Hello there.

Popping in to give you a review that is very long in coming, but at least it's here now.

First off, I'm not in love with how you have this organized. I don't like being kind of pushed into sympathy for this character who speaks of all these terrible things, and says they're over them, but they're not. That's fine, but I think that lends itself to a more personal memoir than an actual short story, as there are a few tangents through this that makes it even more confusing.
I'm rather perplexed by the order of all of these things.

Continuing on, I'm finding myself jumping between paragraphs in order to actually know what is going on, as the narrator flicks through scenes much too quickly. So if the narrator is now twelve, lost her mother at six, when was she put into foster care? I think that the note of her father abusing her was sad but also very random, and kind of just saying more of how awful their life is? I'm sorry but I'm also confused by what type of response this character wants by literally listing everything wrong that has ever happened and then again later.

The scene of their mother dying had too many specific details for a six-year-old to recall just out of the blue, or even that someone would have told her all of those things. Was her dad that messed up to his kids every single thing about their mom dying? That seems too harsh, even for someone who apparently turned evil after losing his wife.

Overall, I think my biggest issues with this are that it's very all over the place, and I don't really understand who this MC is, besides that, they have the worst life ever until they meet a new mother, which is good for her, but even that part sounded a bit strange.

That's all for now.

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5 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 5

Sun Feb 27, 2005 8:15 pm
Mallory says...

okay I thought it was good but you need to add a little bit more emotion on it. You know what I mean. other than that I thought it was pretty cool. :)

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1258 Reviews

Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Wed Feb 23, 2005 3:09 am
Sam wrote a review...

'I’ll never know but the summer my mother died and the summer my father abandoned me I stopped loving.'- Uhm...this is so...soap opera. Change this a little bit so it's not cheese fest 2005.

'That’s the reason my father abandoned me; he said that without mom around I was nothing to him and that he didn’t love me. This brought me to tears; it really hurt.'- Duh. It would really hurt if someone told you you were nothing toi them and that they didn't love you. Especially if it was your dad.

'Yeah, I’m...' For some reason, I like sentences that start with 'yeah' but two sentences in a row doesn't really work. Cool though. :D

'My mother was the nicest person I had ever met...'- This entire paragraph has nothing to do with the first sentence, which, in this case, should be the topic sentence. But how does getting killed at a party have to do with anything about being nice?

This piece is pretty good. I guess my only problem with it is that it's so...stereotypical, you know what I mean? I know how you can write, Ashley- gotta live up to that!! *lol* I think if you just work really hard on this and put yourself in that situation, this could be a great piece.

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13 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 13

Mon Feb 21, 2005 3:34 pm

You have school? :shock: But but it's President Day. I'm off. 8)

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1258 Reviews

Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Mon Feb 21, 2005 1:18 pm
Sam says...

I'll critique this later, after school. So far, so good!

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