Young Writers Society

Hello there.

Popping in to give you a much-earned review even though this is super late.

First off, I think there are a few inconsistencies in this short piece. The initial problem I have with this is I don't think many fourteen-year-olds let alone a kid barely the age of twelve could talk this calmy about what their future holds. Especially if their parents just died in front of them? Even though the first part of this has a line about Sarah looking into her mom's eyes, and like I don't think I'd want to see my parent's dead expression, so I'm a little confused.

The glaring issue is that these kids are having a decently long conversation, with complete sentences, and only a few lines of a tear falling down their cheeks. If the building's collapse had happened a while ago, I think that's one thing for them to come to visit their old home and ponder what to do, but that's not what's happening here. Their parents are literally lying dead off to the side, and unless they were awful people, I think I'd spend more time going over that for the time being. Also, this seems like a little "let's make these characters have a super sad backstory" by saying that there's absolutely no one would take in two poor kids.

Continuing on, the whole conversation feels very generic and not personal, by having these long windy lines and laughing randomly? Like, are these kids not meant to feel emotions, or are they just the opposite of everything? And, I'm guessing the father is meant to be buried under wood, not with. That made me do a double take for a second there.

Finally, I don't like the ending much as it doesn't make much sense to me either. How could she not feel her brother literally pulled out of her arms? And was that somehow her brother yelling at her to not chase them? I'm confused and not that interested really in the "cliff-hanger" type of ending.

Overall, I think that I wish more would have happened, or that these kids acted a little more like kids who just lost their parents.

I'm done, for now, I guess.

The biggining was good, middle bad and the end was good.

If you like fantasy and dragons, you should read my latest post: Second Excerpt from Dragonquest. Sorry, if it doesn't make much sense, but just give me your opinion on it, okay?

this was very interesting reading

Tis good though I have NO idea what so ever about what is going on. Apart from that they were in a fire... Where's their parents?!

Hey, I thought it really get's started fast and jumps right into the story, I like that. No drawn out or long prolougs or what ever you might have. So I'm crit like I promised and I liked it. I don't like whole part though about their neighbors are their enemies...maybe explain that a little bit more as to why they are? Other than that, I have nothing else...

Hmm... this is a very good beginning for a story. I wish that I could write an engaging lead like that. You should check out my post.....it's fairly interesting.