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Gone Away Home: Chapter Two

by VoraciousReader_545


Yeah. Here it is. So critique and rate.:

Deidre coughed as the ash surrounded her. “This is like a replay of what just happened at my house!” Deidre screamed, struggling to see beyond the cloud of ash. “And now I’m gonna be the one to die!”

“Let’s get you out of here!” the man in the hood shouted.

“But I just got here! And I need to find my brother!”

“Find him later!” the voice ordered, firmly.

He’ll die if he stays here! I’ve got to find him!” Deidre cried.

“And how do you expect to find him, when you can’t see a thing?” the man asked smugly.

“I’ll just have to try!”

Deidre darted through the fog, coughing. “TRAVIS! WHERE ARE YOU?”

“He’s not here. He's dead.” The hooded- man answered.

“No! He’s not dead! I refuse to believe that!”

“But he is.” The hooded- man answered pulling his hood down. Deidre glanced up to see a man in his twenties with flaming red hair and cerulean eyes, just like hers. Deidre glanced at her own red hair, amazed at how he looked so much like her.

“Who are you?” Deidre asked.

“Darren Bernon.” He answered. Deidre gasped; Bernon was her last name. And if he had the same last name then that meant that they were related.

“I’ve heard of you!”

The man nodded; irritated. “I’m sure you have. Our mother was always talking about how I was this mad criminal.”

“Our mother?” Deidre asked.

“Yes,” he responded, nodding his head. “Our mother.”

“That means that you’re my brother!” Deidre shouted. “Then if you’re my brother, you should help me find our little brother!” Deidre demanded.

“He’s dead, you idiot!”

“No, he’s not!” Deidre argued, looking at him crossly.

“Damn it, Deidre!” Darren bellowed, in anger. “Can’t you believe what I say for once?”

“For once?” she asked. “I just met you! I’ve never known you. You’re like a long lost brother.

“Don’t you remember?” he whispered in a gentle voice. “You don’t remember how we used to play together in the soccer field and how whenever I told you something that you didn’t like; you’d assume I was lying? Don’t you remember anything about me, Deidre?”

Deidre shook her head, sadly. “Nothing.” She whispered. “I thought I only had one brother and that I was the oldest. How could I forget you?”

“Mom.” He whispered angrily.

“Oh.” Deidre said looking down at the ground. "Mom and Dad died today.” She said, her voice quivering.

“That’s not what I mean.” He said with a loathsome look on his face.

“Then what do you mean?”

“She didn’t like me; at all.” He muttered shaking his head.

“What? Mom was the nicest person I ever knew. She didn’t hate anyone.” Deidre replied in awe.

“ She could appear that way. She was a witch.”

“How dare you call my mom a witch!?” Deidre shouted, furiously.

Deidre got up and prepared herself to pull open the door and make a dramatic exit. Darren grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“Deidre that’s not what I meant! She was a witch; she had magical powers.”

“You’re a liar; that’s probably why Mom didn’t like you! I’m leaving and that’s that.” She said, turning the doorknob.

“You can’t leave, Deidre! We need you here! Please stay!” he begged, getting on his knees. “I’ll never see you again, if you leave. I’ll actually be your long lost brother; if you leave!!”

“Good! I never want to see your sorry face again! Goodbye, Darren.” She said walking out the door.

“ But Dei! This is another world. If you leave, there are consequences!” he called after her.

Deidre turned around, facing Darren, and shook her head. “I wish I never met you! You’re pathetic; you really are.”

And as Darren looked at Dei walking back into her world he prayed that she would make the trip back home, safely, because if she didn’t then he would suffer, too.

What do you htink? Good or sucky? OR in between?

~Ashley~


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Sat Jul 18, 2020 6:52 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And another chapter of this without two reviews. Well....let's slay this one too.

First Impression: Okay we took a trip to exposition town there. That as a lot of information really fast. It was integrated relatively well although it did feel like that dialogue was very artificial like they were reading from a script designed to give us information.

Anyway let's get to it,

Deidre coughed as the ash surrounded her. “This is like a replay of what just happened at my house!” Deidre screamed, struggling to see beyond the cloud of ash. “And now I’m gonna be the one to die!”


I don't think you have to point out the cloud of ash that second time. It's implied by the first line.

“And how do you expect to find him, when you can’t see a thing?” the man asked smugly.


Why is he trying to be smug in a situation like this?

“He’s not here. He's dead.” The hooded- man answered.


Well...we're starting with a ton of deaths.

“That means that you’re my brother!” Deidre shouted. “Then if you’re my brother, you should help me find our little brother!” Deidre demanded.


Okay...her belief on whether he is her brother or not fluctuates quite a bit here. A little too much I'd say. Have her settle on one thing.

“Oh.” Deidre said looking down at the ground. "Mom and Dad died today.” She said, her voice quivering.


That's a good attempt at the emotion but any normal person should be on their knees, crying their eyes out and unable to even move after losing so many people in the span of an hour. Or at least in denial. Not this slight quiver.

“Deidre that’s not what I meant! She was a witch; she had magical powers.”


Well...that's interesting.

And as Darren looked at Dei walking back into her world he prayed that she would make the trip back home, safely, because if she didn’t then he would suffer, too.


Very interesting line to end on. Also the cloud of ash...I'm just marveling(no pun intended) at the fact that you had no idea how many people would become clouds of ash when you wrote this so long ago.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: I would have to say in between to answer your question. I love the premise, the setting is okay and the pacing is also done right. The emotions and characterization however are just not quite up to scratch here especially the tragedy that you are starting out with.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Mar 10, 2005 3:54 pm
Kay Kay says...



Where did the man with the hood come from? Was he in chapter one and i missed it? It's is getting better and better. Hey check out my story called, "Guiding of the Lost Souls."[/b]




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Mon Mar 07, 2005 6:59 am
Happy Lizard says...



I'll say preety good. Alot closer to good than sucky ... ALOT.
So ... good! :D




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Sun Mar 06, 2005 11:22 pm
Supermal says...



In between, coming closer to good :) Starting to get interesting.





Someday, everything is going to go right for you, and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do.
— Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham, Questionable Content