z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


12+

The Gift and the Ghostspeaker (Prophecy Poem + Prologue)

by Voidsoul


The Prophecy of the End of Immortality

As the revelation to Ghostspeaker Aurelia Rayos was written:

A traitor to dark Stars, set on revenge cold,

A threat to those whose deaths were never foretold,

A Moon waiting impatiently for the end,

A defender with only a Gift as a friend,

A skeptic whose thoughts want to bribe and consume,

A Speaker who fears the new life coming soon,

A rebel whose heart will be chained to the right,

And a Star of the evening, a son of the light

Will all come together when darkness draws near

And save all of Zephan from what it holds dear

Unless we are ruined and put in our place,

Our story will be written into the blanks.

Prologue | Ebony Samuels | The Traitor

“Did you see the news?”

I snorted as I handed the man a bag of supplies from behind the counter. “Yeah. I did. Because I definitely have a TV in here,” I drawled, gesturing vaguely at the chaotic wreck of a supply stand behind me.

The man looked slightly embarrassed. “Oh, sorry...I figured since you were a scavenger...you might have...”

“You think I know how to fix a TV? Besides, I only bother with essentials.” I held out my hand for the zephs he owed me—half as many as the cost was usually, but the poor, unfortunate man had a sob story about a wife and however many kids, and I wasn't in the mood for dealing with...that.

He reluctantly handed over the money. “So you didn't see the news?”

I stared past him at the few working lamp posts along the crowded street as they flickered on. It was almost time. “...no. Why? Did something disastrous happen?”

“Yes.” The man nodded vigorously, and I turned my gaze back to his face. He looked like he was letting me in on some big secret I should be honored to know. “You're immortal, right?”

By the Ghosts, this person was an idiot. I was out in the open during the busiest time in the evening, selling my goods right smack in the middle of the busiest street in the Blanklands. I was obviously Ghostborn.

"Yeah, I'm immortal.” He wasn't even smart enough for sarcasm to be fun.

The man narrowed his eyes. “One of us...was killed,” he whispered, leaning forward slightly. “And they say the killer was none other than Valentine Lucen.”

That…was not news—not to me, at least. I’d known about the immortal killers for a long time.

But not the part about the Lucen girl, which I didn’t believe for a second.

“Who says that?” I raised an eyebrow as I dumped the zephs in my safe. “You?”

“No!” He looked like he wasn’t sure whether to be offended or honored. “Everyone I’ve talked to.”

“Right, all your high-up connections who just know the Ghostspeaker’s missing daughter is out there murdering immortals.” I rolled my eyes. She was probably dead, up in glowy-Ghost-space-land or whatever people believed in nowadays. It was all garbage, anyway.

The guy finally realized I was insulting him and glared. “Fine, don’t believe me, but it’s not safe out there.”

“This is the Blanklands, sir. Tell me something I don’t know—something actually plausible,” I muttered as the man scowled and walked away, gripping his supplies angrily.

I sighed and leaned back against the shelves, eyeing the big old clock that rose above all the crumbling one-story shops along the street. It was almost five.

I could finally get back to work on things that mattered, unlike stupid gossip.

Finding the real immortal killers.

The clock’s bell rang out, and I quickly dragged the shutters down in front of me and lit the old lamp I’d found somewhere, then grabbed my notebook of evidence from underneath the safe and flipped to the last page, where I had only a few words scribbled near a map I’d glued in:

Somewhere on the northeast edge of the Blanklands; look for Nathanael M.

I’d circled the northeast corner of the map in red, and crossed out several buildings and streets, leaving only two options.

The southernmost street and the next one to the north stared up at me, and I smirked.

One of those streets housed the immortal killers, and I was going to find them tonight.

I would find this Nathanael, find the secret to killing immortals.

Find the Ghost-forsaken murderer who took my mom.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
5 Reviews

Points: 256
Reviews: 5

Donate
Stickied -- Fri Nov 03, 2023 2:31 am
View Likes
Voidsoul says...



just fyi the name on the cover isn't my real name, it's my online/pen name :)




User avatar
218 Reviews

Points: 285
Reviews: 218

Donate
Sun Nov 05, 2023 8:00 pm
creaturefeature wrote a review...



hi void!

here is that review i promised for ya!

i am not going to go into the contents of the prologue; i'm not a big prose fan + i just don't know how to actually review it tbh. i think you've gotten some good feedback on that already! from what i've read, i think it's a solid story as well! the characters are intriguing and i see the potential for the story.

now for the poem -- it's very lively! very exciting! it feels like a prophecy, yknow? it's an interesting note to start on, but not in a bad way. the idea is talked about a lot in theory, but i rarely see it in practice. even down to the way it's written (the random capitalized words), i think it nails the concept!

though, on the topic of originality

A threat to those whose deaths were never foretold


i know that prophetic poems have a certain vibe to them, but i wish there was something more to it! lines like this follow the same blueprint, yknow? you have a great mix of characters going on! play more into them if you can, or add some more vivid imagery to make the poem itself pop! i know it's just an introduction to the prologue, but it is still a part of the prologue.

cliches are cliche for a reason, but sometimes it's good to explore them more. i would love to see the poem expanded on more tbh!

Our story will be written into the blanks.


OOOO i like this a lot!

you have a very strong ending! it really builds anticipation, which is good if you want people to keep up with the storyline! it gives away just enough information to have an idea of what's happening, but also keeps the important details secret. like i said earlier though, you could definitely expand on it. there is some good content, but nothing to really sink your teeth into. it's lacking something.

but yes, i really enjoyed this! it's a short poem, but you were able to get a lot across in only a few lines! that's difficult, even for some esteemed poets. i personally tend to read exclusively free-verse poetry, but it was nice to dabble in something else.

i haven't reviewed in ages, so i hope this was helpful! keep it up!

best,
chi




Voidsoul says...


Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this and your excellent feedback :D



User avatar
218 Reviews

Points: 285
Reviews: 218

Donate
Sun Nov 05, 2023 2:02 am
View Likes
creaturefeature says...



like this comment so i remember to review it tomorrow pls :)




User avatar
75 Reviews

Points: 150
Reviews: 75

Donate
Sat Nov 04, 2023 4:31 pm
View Likes
Leya wrote a review...



Hello! Leya Here to review this beautiful piece!

Lets start with the poetry. I have to say, I really do admire when authors include poetry in their writing. It can describe plots, emotions, anything really; and I do like how you included it in this prologue. It immediately drew me in, wanting more! It also gave me an idea of what this story is going to be about, in an artistic way. I have a feeling this is going to head in the fantasy direction-- and I'm all for it.

As for the content of the prologue, I automatically love the main character. They're giving me "I don't care" vibes but also they're very intelligent. I wish you could've said more about this world we live in-- all I got from this is that the Blanklands can get dangerous and immortal people live amongst regulars. If I'm wrong, please feel free to correct me!

What I do love, though, is the ending! Now we have some background of the main character, what her initiative is-- or her goal. Something happened to her mother-- and she's out to get revenge.

Overall, I love this, and I can't wait to read your other chapter. Have a great day!

With Love,
Leya




Voidsoul says...


Thank you so much for the review, I really appreciate it!!



User avatar
12 Reviews

Points: 1389
Reviews: 12

Donate
Fri Nov 03, 2023 6:55 pm
View Likes
Wors6ip wrote a review...



Hello hello! I hope you're having a good day/night. I've been meaning to review this for the past day now. Alas, the procrastination beast reared its ugly head...

For starters, I'm going to keep my comments on the poem featured in the beginning very minimal, as I'm not familiar with that form of writing at all and I don't want to give a bad review because I acted like I knew what I was talking about. That being said, it was a very unique way to open a story, for me at least, and it has me intrigued for what else this story will offer.

Ebony is certainly growing on me as a character; I like him a lot! I know the story is insinuating that he's a traitor, but I'm still a fan. Speaking of traitor, though, I'm excited to see why he's considered that. His snappy, sarcastic, no patience attitude is hilarious and fits in with his environment quite well.

Continuing on that, I like how you explained that the city was not a good one to live in, for lack of a better word. Ebony being a scavenger, descriptions of crumbling buildings, and one of our customers being dirt poor, did a wonderful job of telling us all we needed to know about the city without straight up saying, "This city is dangerous."

All in all, you have built a capitative, mysterious, and dangerous world here that can set up a lot of tension and action. I'm eager to see where you take the rest of this story. Happy writing!




Voidsoul says...


Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!!



User avatar
162 Reviews

Points: 30338
Reviews: 162

Donate
Thu Nov 02, 2023 8:25 pm
View Likes
Rose wrote a review...



Greetings Storyteller!


Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye; a intriguing story titled “The Gift and the Ghostspeaker” that deserves a good review. So without further ado, let’s begin.


I. It all Begins at the Beginning
The beginning of a story is one of the most important parts of the story, not only does it serve as a sort of short explanation of what the reader can expect from the story, but with the introduction the reader decides in less than one second whether or not to read on. Thus, it really does begins at the beginning.

And your beginning opens with a poem, a prophecy poem. Most poems have this delicate feeling to it, a sense of innocence and love, but yours is far more different than that.

And this is not a minus point, because I can literally feel the rawness of the harsh reality and a future which can turn into a dark and evil path at any time. Not only is the poem so beautifully written, but it also perfectly portrays the meaning and mystery of this story, it paints a clear vivid picture of the situation as well. It is marvelous in many ways, now I almost feel like referring to it as THE prophecy poem :D

II. The Door to Improvement
This is just the prologue of your story therefore there are many ways your story may proceed, but I do have a few suggestions for you.

Firstly, you could consider making a separate chapter (or you could call that in this case the prologue) for THE prophecy poem, this will perfectly structure your story. You could also place a horizontal line to separate beneath it to separate it from your prologue The Traitor. Perhaps you can turn the prologue into your first chapter.

Secondly, I understand that this is just the beginning of your novel, but perhaps you could provide the readers with a bit more explanation. I am intrigued by the mysterious ghostspeakers, it adds a new and mysterious element to your fantasy story, but it isn't really clear who is who. Of course, don't explain it all at once, but a bit more clearance would be appreciated.

These suggestions are offered with the intention of boosting the story's depth and impact, so I hope they are helpful.

III. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out Burning Eyes by @doublewriter7 and The WouldBe Dragons by @Horisun for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!

IV. When All is Said and Done
Everything in all and all in everything, I must say that you've written a captivating story and I'm already a fan! You've created a certain fantasy world which consists of Ghostspeakers who possess over a rare and beautifully dangerous gift; immortality. A traitor is and always stays a traitor, but right now, he is just my favourite character :D

Before I go and bid my adieu, allow me to welcome you to YWS; the writer's world! I hope you'll enjoy dancing through the halls of the Green Room and participate in amazing challenges, I look forward to reading much more of your amazing work!

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Writer's Love,
Rose




User avatar
909 Reviews

Points: 29
Reviews: 909

Donate
Thu Nov 02, 2023 4:18 pm
View Likes
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Hello there! I’m reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Onto the spooky s’more!

Top Graham Cracker - This story is about a Ghostkiller who is hiding through the folds of society, doing as they please with citizens being none the wiser. Quite interesting!

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow -The only part I’ve been confused with was the last two sentences of the story. The sentence where Ebony says that he’s going to find the secret to killing immortals made me think that he wanted to kill immortals himself, but the last part is saying he wants to avenge his Mom. Does he want to do both or one?

Chocolate Bar - I liked how you wrote the prophecy at the beginning, it’s like finding words carved on stone in the woods. (That’s what I was reminded of.) I also like how you wrote Ebony’s character. He seems like the kind of person who would raise an eyebrow to the magic that’s going on around him.

Closing Graham Cracker -Overall, I think that this story will get very dark very fast and I’m here for it. I hope that you will continue on with this!

Have a fantastic day/night!





More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes