The world came to her in a breaking
Light, formerly diffused
Through the speckled eggshell
Now blinding, shaking
And naked, wings too small for use
Stretching, pressing against the walls
Of her encircling, like a prisoner escaping,
Like a flower blooming, Her confinement cracks,
Shell peels away
Like an eye opening
Like an explosion
Movement, light emotion
The world incomprehensible, unknowable
Opens to enfold her
In the breaking of an egg
The world comes to her
Ripe for the taking.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Considering that you only wrote this in five minutes, this is very impressive! I certainly could never manage to churn this out under that kind of pressure. The imagery you utilized is excellent, and really evokes the feeling of new birth, of breaking free from the past. As an ex-mormon, I relate to this feeling of leaving something confining behind and seeing the world with fresh eyes. That process was (and is) a lot longer than a simple breaking of an eggshell, though. I like the prison and light words that you use throughout the piece, as well as your descriptions that make me think of vulnerability. When you are making a new beginning for yourself, you often will feel vulnerable and naked as you come to understand yourself and the world around you.
Wow! This was amazing! It was filled with lots of imagery and did a great job describing the freshness and pureness of a newborn baby hatchling. It makes me feel a bit bad for the hatchling but also excites me for what is to come.
There should be a - between eye and opening.
This is a great ending! It leaves the reader feeling fresh and fulfilled.
I enjoyed this read since it reminds me of rebirth and freedom as she hatches and sees the new light of the world. I also loved the last two lines:
The world comes to her
Ripe for the taking.
Since you convey Earth as a fruit that is fresh with taste and rich with flavour. It perfectly illustrates how the world is through the eyes of a newborn.
However, I felt like some lines didn't stand out as much as they could since different lines are combined even though they don't join in the meaning. Perhaps to make more of an impact on the audience, you could make some words have their own line:
Movement, light,
Emotion.
I think that this would make more of an effect on the reader. Additionally, in the line 'The world incomprehensible, unknowable', I think that unknowable could be replaced with a more suitable and dramatic word: illegible- this could perhaps illustrate how all of these colours and shapes are illegible to read and make sense of. Or perhaps inscrutable? Or something like that. But that's your choice.
Like a flower blooming, Her confinement cracks,
Shell peels away
Like an eye-opening
Like an explosion
I found these lines really clear, concise, bold and really breathtaking.
I enjoyed reading this piece and I hope it helps