V1.
She calls out like a wolf; in the middle of the night I can hear you howl
walk and composure felt so cool; somebody get a gun right now
She knows who she wants
Poised and ready to strike him out;
I can hear his obituary now.
V2.
She stalks her prey when the girls are gone home thinking, "he's my man"
And when Daddy ain't home when he's supposed to be, nobody can give you the reasons he can
She knows who she's got
Coiled up and ready to go
I can see the flowers now.
B.
And I know she wants me.
I know she wants me.
I know she thinks she can have me...
V3.
My birthday's coming and she knows my favorite gift; a visit from my girl
She also knows how to shake me up with a visit of her own to ruin my world
She knows who she's got
Fangs out- hell yeah, she's ready to go
They're writing his rites now.
V4.
She says "I can do better than her if you give me that moment"
I said "I don't have the time for this," but she replies, "I have yet to own it."
Her eyes are heavy on me,
Her thoughts are crowding my own
They're digging my grave now
B2.
She said she wants me
I see her want me
The devil is alive in her now...
C.
Jezebel's looking for her Ahab
Send that lost girl straight to rehab
Jezebel's looking for her Ahab...
Hey there, Viper! Welcome to YWS!
This is actually really good, although it sounds more like a poem to me than it does a song, but that's just me. Just a few things to critique.
V1: Everything flows very nicely. This is one of my favorite stanzas. Just a few things. One, you switch tenses (if that's how you would describe this) and it's only in this stanza that you do. You go from 'she' to 'you' and it just messes with me. Two, rhythm. It one of the best out of the stanzas, in my opinion, but it does seem a bit off. I do like how you keep a heavier rhythm in the first two lines and then trim it down, but it does seem a bit odd to read.
V2: The main thing about this is the second line. It just is a lot longer than the others and throws the rhythm off a little. Now, when it's sung, I'm sure it flows just as perfectly as it's meant to; but when read, it seems a little weird.
B: I really don't have anything to say about this particular stanza. Good job with it.
V3: I just want to say that I really loved the "Fangs out- hell yeah, she's ready to go" part. It made it seem more real to me somehow, if you know what I mean.
V4: I can't find anything to say about this either. The rhythm seems pretty good and the stanza of a whole was very well organized.
B2: To be honest, I prefer this stanza over the first bridge. It flows better, even though I said the first had nothing wrong with it. It just seems to fit with everything. Good job.
C: Usually, choruses are used throughout. I really love how you kept it so that there's only one. It's different and makes this truly unique. The only thing I can say about this is the second line. The "straight to rehab" part seems a bit awkward.
Overall, great job! Keep writing!
~ Rocky