z

Young Writers Society


16+

Aether's Heart 6

by Omni, AlyTheBookworm, Chaser, ScarlettFire, soundofmind


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Written by Vincian

80 Days B.N.D

Railyn made it a sizable distance away from the mine-shaft he worked in before deciding he was far enough away to not raise any eyebrows from his supervisors where he diverted from the main walk-ways. Now to just avoid the Baron Guards.

He took off his maroon scarf and wrapped his hands with it in such a fashion that it looked as if he was carrying something, all the while concealing the injury. The Primal Dust was embedding itself into his skin, and he was noticing some swelling.

He took a left off the main road to a rickety and narrow walkway (well, more rickety and narrow, as that was a common occurrence in Yse) that spiraled and rose to the higher echelons of the tier he lived in. These higher walkways often ended in unreachable areas and crawlspaces. Still, there were enough shops there that it justified Railyn going up there-- at least partially. If the Baron Guards were particularly nosy and stopped him to ask too many questions, he would probably break immediately. He hoped things would go smoothly.

Right now his hands were hurting or in pain at all. In fact, he could barely feel any difference. However, he knew things were different when dealing with Runic materials. Something like this, a minor wound, could easily go south. He heard stories from the other miners about Runic Dust wounds that crystallized the area around it or gave the victim a magic infection or caused them to go crazy. Then again, the miners were known for their tall tales and imaginative storytelling-- often insofar as to devolve into name calling and other chatter that Railyn could probably never repeat without second hand embarrassment or busting out in laughter. Still, Railyn couldn't help but feel a shiver of... something run down his spine. He didn't know if it was fear, or anticipation or something coming from the Runic Dust in his hands. He just ironed his will and continued his walk upwards.

A Baron Guard rounded a corner, walking in his direction and Railyn stiffened up. Keep calm, don't make yourself suspicious. He reminded himself, and had to repeat it in his mind. He forced himself to keep walking. His legs were stiff as a part of his brain battled the part forcing him forward. He could just imagine how he looked to the guard; like an automaton surging forward. The image caused a small bubble of laughter to burst from him. Luckily, the Baron Guard was looking down at a clipboard-- at least, until Railyn made a fool out of himself by laughing and attracting attention to himself. The guard glanced up and raised an eyebrow, but didn't stop Railyn, instead just passing by. Crisis averted. Railyn blew out a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding.

Railyn felt an anticipation building as he reached the upper echelon of the buildings. To the vast majority of people in Yse, this ceiling was the end of their world in Yse, and unless they venture outside the city on caravans, this was the end of their world quite literally. The Barons and their loyal guards made quite sure of that. Even outsiders knew little of the truth.

But Railyn knew, and knew too much. Usually those who knew what he knew were appointed as Baron Guards if they were compliant or forced into the dark corners of Yse if they weren't but still useful to society. If they were neither of those... well, Railyn supposed they all ended up in the same place Ryun did. Missing, gone, disappeared. Never to be seen again.

Railyn reached a large plaza that arched around a giant stone pillar carved from a mountain long ago carved away, which supported all three tiers of Yse. This plaza was the final area of Yse and the last stopping place before Railyn's and Ryun's old hiding place. It was almost always vacant because there was basically no reason to be so high in the city. At least, almost always.

At the pavilion, at least a dozen Baron Guards were patrolling, on alert, or just lounging around. Railyn barged onto the pavilion, gasped, and immediately stepped back into the shadows. Unfortunately for Railyn, he was never the most sneaky of people, and a Baron Guard who happened to be close to him walked by. Railyn froze, and he hoped that the shadows were enough to cover him. The Guard walked by, and Railyn breathed out a sigh of relief. The steps stopped, and Railyn's heart jumped out of his chest.

"Halt!"

The dreaded words.

Railyn sprinted through the pavilion, attracting the attention of the entire squadron of Baron Guards. At the same moment, the ceiling of the pavilion collapsed in dust, dirt, and grime. Roars echoed from the now-open cavern. It was a Grand Rebellion from the city tier above them. That was why the Baron Guards were there. Railyn didn't have much energy or time to invest anymore into that thought as he ran from the two Baron Guards chasing him. He dodged a rebel, narrowly avoiding their torch, and slipped into a smaller corridor. He heard the Guards shouting their usual commands at him, but they were becoming more distant as their armor made it more difficult for them to navigate the corridors. If Railyn stopped now and let himself be caught, he would be used as a scapegoat for the Grand Rebellion, just because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now, if the reason for him actually being up there was brought into question, he would be gone for completely different reasons. However, he was in his element now. Memories and instincts from his childhood came flooding back. The Baron Guards didn't know these walls nearly as well as Railyn. Admittedly, he was larger than he used to be, and some areas were blocked off from natural degradation, but he was still making it through far better than the Guards. In fact, he no longer heard them, but even then he still took the long way navigating the corridors, wrapping around his hiding spot and away at times. But, as the walls widened again and the paths got more and more familiar, Railyn slowed down to a trot, and then a walk.

Eventually, he found the entrance, and emotions flooded back that he had long ago suppressed. Instinctively, almost hopefully, he shouted Ryun's name. Perhaps Ryun had felt the same pull as he had.

Silence.

He should have known better. He should have. But he still felt a twinge of pain for his long lost friend. He slowly entered their getaway from reality and took a moment to reabsorb everything there, their old headquarters. It was a small space to most people, a part overlooked by the Barons when they split Yse into three tiers. It hugged the border between Yse's upper two tiers.

Railyn's eyes veered to a bundle of blankets and broken planks, and he gasped inadvertently. Though there was no reason to assume otherwise, Railyn was surprised to see that it hadn't changed at all since they were there last. His hands hurt, and were majorly swollen, but he still managed to caress it.

Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong.

Railyn's head screamed in pain, and felt like it was splitting open. His vision whited out, and he heard a large CRACK! After the pain subsided, he opened his eyes to find himself in a completely different place. He looked around at a dim room and four other people in the same position as he.

Railyn tried to move, but what seemed to be a large, living scroll was wrapped around his body, tangling his limbs and keeping him rooted in place. His eyes adjusted to the warm light of a roaring fire in front of him. The living scroll entangling him sprawled all the way to the flames, and its end was alight, and the fire-turned-purple spread to the withered paper. He glanced around and noticed several more scrolls sprouting from the blazing fire. He counted four more, and only just noticed that the other four people were trapped at the end of those scrolls, just like he was. The others noticed him much around the same time as he noticed them. He opened his mouth to speak, to scream, to call for help, something, when a large door burst open with bravado and much creaking. "It worked!" A gravely, crackly voice sounded from the vacancy of the door, and a weathered old man hobbled in, looking at them in awe as he straightened his worn and war-torn robe, removing much dust but just smearing what looked like fresh blood further down his clothes. He was breathless. "It worked! Well, mostly," he muttered, pointing to a vacant seventh spot next to Railyn. "All according to plan, all according to plan," he said to himself. Railyn tried to speak, but the old man seemed to realize they were there and interrupted him. "There's not much time I'm afraid. I really cannot explain everything to you five, but you are important, and you are connected." He hesitated, and scrambled to a desk in the corner.

"You are all part of a prophecy." He muttered as he raised an old scroll, half torn. He glanced at the living scrolls, where the purple fire had reached halfway to Railyn and the others. "Oh, my the time keeps escaping me." He set the scroll down on the desk. "The bells you all have been hearing were no coincidence. It was an unfortunate by-product of this conjuring spell to gather you all here. I cannot tell you where I am, but you will know. We need your help. The world needs your help. You are all either in Yse or Syna. Find each other, however you must." The ceiling shook, and he glance around nervously. With a flick of his finger, the large door slammed shut. "You will find out that you have special powers in the upcoming nights. Find each other. Flee Synilas. Survive. They do not take kindly to magical fol--"

The purple flamed reach Railyn's feet and engulfed him immediately. The pain was similar to before, but somehow he was more used to it this time. His eyes were clenched shut, but he hear noise, like a large cat purring. He opened his eyes hesitantly to the sight of a dragon.


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289 Reviews


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Sun Feb 28, 2021 2:06 pm
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MissGangamash wrote a review...



Back again!

'Right now his hands were hurting or in pain at all.' - weren't hurting.

'In fact, he could barely feel any difference. However, he knew things were different when dealing with Runic materials.; - the repetition of 'different' sounds a bit awkward.

'Keep calm, don't make yourself suspicious. He reminded himself, and had to repeat it in his mind.' - comma after 'suspicious' so the thought tag is in the same sentence.

'To the vast majority of people in Yse, this ceiling was the end of their world in Yse' - repetition of 'in Yse'

'around a giant stone pillar carved from a mountain long ago carved away,' - repetition of 'carved.' No need for both.

'A gravely, crackly voice' - gravelly?

If there's five of them, wouldn't it be a vacant sixth spot?

The living scrolls are a nice touch, I can't say I've read anything similar in other books.

I get that the old man didn't have time to converse but I think him just assuming they all heard bells read a bit weird. Even something like 'You've all been hearing those bells, yes?' he rushed without waiting for a reply, would read a bit better and make the old man seem more engaged with the others, even if they don't actually speak to one another.

Interesting chapter. I like how all the characters have had their introductory chapters before they are all being sent off to find each other. It's a good set up for a story :)

Hope this helps!
/

'




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Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:59 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Vincian! ^^ I'm on top of it today, and I was interested in reading more!

I didn't actually notice that not everyone was located in Syna in the last few sections. I know that three of them were, but I must have missed that detail the first time I read in Railyn's perspective (as it was a bit ago). I would have liked a bit more reference in terms of how these two cities relate to one another -- are they close or far? Railyn also talked about Yse seeming more strict about their rules for the outside, so does Railyn know about Syna? This just left me with more questions than answers about the whereabouts of the characters, haha.

Railyn made it a sizable distance away from the mine-shaft he worked in before deciding he was far enough away to not raise any eyebrows from his supervisors where he diverted from the main walk-ways.


I had to reread this sentence a couple of times to figure out what it was trying to say, and I'm still not sure if I get it. Was he saying that once he was far enough from the mines he ducked off the main walkways or that he got off the main walkways quickly to not raise suspicion?

Also, throughout this section, I found myself imagining just a normal city, with maybe a couple of hills, but after re-reading, I got the impression that this city was in fact underground? I would have liked a little bit more descriptions as Railyn walked through the city. What were the buildings like? What were most of the buildings for? What was above him if not for open sky? What was the atmosphere like (well-lit, dim? others around?)? We don't need the answers to all these questions at once, but it would really help to set the scene as Railyn is walking around, so we have some images to associate with the action that happens later.

Another small thing is that I was pretty aware of the large paragraphs in this section, which isn't necessarily bad! Sometimes, though, having large paragraphs can make it difficult to follow, especially if there is a lot of action going on. For instance, when Railyn was approaching the pavilion where the guards are waiting and stuff starts to happen, it would have helped build the tension and improve the flow of the action by breaking it up into its own paragraphs.

Usually those who knew what he knew were appointed as Baron Guards if they were compliant or forced into the dark corners of Yse if they weren't but still useful to society.


As I read this line, I felt like there was more you could have given us. It felt like a generalized statement, and I wanted to see it related more to the character itself. Like, I understand not wanting to spoil all the details of Railyn's past (as in telling us what he knows), but even giving some hints or directions would make it much more impactful. Or even some emotion behind it. Is Railyn a miner because of what he knows? Or is he trying to hide the fact that he knows? How does he feel about that. It feels like a big important detail that just gets glossed over for a bit of worldbuilding instead of adding depth to his character.

I don't really know what happened when Railyn walked through the pavilion? Or well, I understand that there was some kind of rebellion going on, but it felt like a really weird detail to throw in for half a paragraph only to be forgotten about. I would have liked to see that thought either expanded out or if it's not important enough to devote some more time to, then it would be fine to just cut it out. It felt random and inconsequential as it reads now.

I did enjoy the call back to the scene earlier! It was great to finally have the characters get together and give some semblance of an idea of where this novel is going. I'm definitely really interested in seeing where this is going and what is going on in this world :)

Small thing from that scene though:

"It worked! Well, mostly," he muttered, pointing to a vacant seventh spot next to Railyn.


Two things: more big paragraphs. The dialogue really should be on its own line. The other thing is that I thought there were only five people? So wouldn't it be the sixth spot?

As a whole, I think this chapter would have benefitted from slowing down a bit. There were details that felt like they could have been important (the rebellion, Railyn talking about the Baron Guards) or were missing (descriptions of the city to set the scene) that would have engaged the reader more. And even spending just a little bit more time in the prophecy section before hurling Railyn into a dragon would have been great as well! Show us his thoughts and emotions. How does he feel about being part of a prophecy? Is he scared after being teleported? Is he curious about the others? I want to know these details!

Hopefully this was helpful ^^ I look forward to reading more!
~ Wolfe




Omni says...


Hi Wolfe! Thank you for the review!!!

So Yse and Syna are fairly close to each other, and we'll see that a bit more in the future posts. Yse is actually an underground city built in the husk of a mined out mountain. I definitely could have explored that more (this part actually had a part where I wrote *more description here* and never did xD whoops)

I'm sorry it's a bit confusing! That's definitely something I want to work on in the beginning. This was all written over a year ago at this point, so I can definitely see holes in my own writing.

Also, WHOOPS about the seventh person part. That's just a remnant of the Storybook when there was actually six people instead of five. Unfortunately, someone dropped out and while I thought I got rid of all mentions of their character, clearly I did not.



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Mon Feb 15, 2021 1:10 am
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mordax wrote a review...



Hi again!

Well, you know me, so let's get started.

Right now his hands were hurting or in pain at all. In fact, he could barely feel any difference.

I'm a bit confused here. Were his hands hurting, and if so, why couldn't he feel any difference? Also, the added part of "in pain at all" is redundant as the "hurting" is enough to imply any of the pain he might or might not be experiencing.

magic infection or caused them to go crazy.

I would suggest changing the "or" to "that". If you had the "or" so that infection and going crazy were separate, then I would suggest removing the previous "or" to make the sentence a: "this, this, or, that" kind of format so it would flow smoother.

Railyn blew out a sigh of relief he didn't know he was holding.

the "he didn't know he was holding" isn't really needed. When one sighs with relief, it's because the previous tension is breaking, which means he wouldn't be holding in that sigh before because there would've still been tension.

Railyn felt an anticipation building as he reached the upper echelon of the buildings.

I would suggest rewording this to "Anticipation built in Railyn's chest as he..."

To the vast majority of people in Yse, this ceiling was the end of their world in Yse, and unless they venture outside the city on caravans, this was the end of their world quite literally.

I think this could be reworded a bit to flow better, such as "To the vast majority of people in Yse, this ceiling was the end of their world. Very few ever ventured out of the city on caravans, leaving them to stare at..." whatever, you get the gist. Obviously, you can completely disregard this, but I love this concept of this ceiling being the end of the world, and I would love to see you expand on that and thus the idea that these people are almost imprisoned in this city, left to stare at a ceiling.

Usually those who knew what he knew were appointed as Baron Guards if they were compliant or forced into the dark corners of Yse if they weren't but still useful to society.

This sentence is a bit hard to read. Maybe split it into two?

carved from a mountain long ago carved away

The double use of carved is a bit redundant.

to be close to him walked by. Railyn froze, and he hoped that the shadows were enough to cover him. The Guard walked by,

You said "walked by" twice so I kind of imagined one of those video game glitches where the character runs, is teleported back, then runs again. Perhaps remove one or the other or change up the wording, so instead of walking by, the guard is initially coming closer, then walks by?

unfortunate by-product

I think it can just be "byproduct"?? I don't know though.

he glance around nervously.

"glanced" because it is in past tense.

purple flamed

Do you mean "flames"?

he hear noise

"heard a noise"

The last paragraph seemed rushed to me. Maybe this was intentional, but I think after the flames engulfed him, there should be more of a transition to the dragon. Instead, I'm not yet fully aware that the flames are gone before he is seeing a dragon.

Overall, I love this new chapter and I'm so intrigued for what happens next. I love how Railyn lacks a lot of bravado that some of the other characters seem to have. I can relate to him so much, from his anxieties balanced with his internal humor. The way he laughs randomly at a thought he has is so relatable and I love that! It also is interesting to me, because it seems like he's grown up in such a restricting and tough society, yet he still seems to soft and nervous. I'm so excited to see how he grows and his dynamic with the other characters!

As for this sixth person that didn't show up... I'm intrigued to see if they will pop up later. Who is it? Why did the spell not work on them? Gah!! I can't wait until the next update.

Great job, once again...
Mordax





Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington