z

Young Writers Society


16+

Aether's Heart 5

by Omni, AlyTheBookworm, Chaser, ScarlettFire, soundofmind


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Written by ScarlettFire

80 Days B.N.D

Elidyr carefully picked his way down the path just outside of Syna, Lady flaring her wings whenever he accidentally jostled her. He could see the gates just up ahead and hoped they'd let him in. He'd heard about the outbreak of bluecough and figured he'd probably be able to help, being a healer. That wasn't a guarantee that they'd even let him in.

Oh, stop fussing!

He flinched. "Lady," Eli hissed, glanced towards her as she cocked her head and meet his gaze. As he watched, she blinked. "A little warning, please. I'm still not quite used to the mind-talking."

Lady snorted. It's called telepathy, Father.

Eli frowned at her and she just flared her wings again as they came to a halt just outside the gates. Not. Helping. He grunted and turned to face the gates. Which were open. Wide. Open. Eli sighed and shook his head. "They never learn..."

Always quarantine an outbreak of any illness, Lady quoted in a snotty voice that was very reminiscent of Elidyr's lecturer from the Academy. She quickly switched back to normal; It is a sensible idea.

I know, Eli told her with a sigh and squared his shoulders. He marched through the open gates and immediately side-stepped the large wagon that was headed out. "That's not a good idea..."

The driver just shot him a dark look and urged the two poor horses pulling it to move faster. Before long, the wagon was bouncing well out of sight. Eli watched it go for a moment then turned to head off down the street into town. He needed to find somewhere--or someone--or some way to help.

The streets were still bustling with a lot of people, and a lot of merchants or travelers, despite being so early. And that just upset Eli even more. They really should have been quarantining the entire damned city! If there really was a bluecough outbreak, then letting people come and go as they were would just spread it. Elidyr couldn't help thinking of all the things the Academy medics would be doing to stop the spread, and despaired that Synilas weren't as advanced as the Empire in that respect. He was honestly going to have words with the city's doctors and healers if he got the chance. They were going to get their entire nation sick if they kept it up.

He rounded a corner and stopped short at the sight--and sound--of a very, very busy marketplace. There was a couple of inns--which he would definitely want to visit later--and a rather crumpled-looking tavern, an apothecary's--that someone was just leaving--and what appeared to be a bookstore right next to it with a sign that announced a healer's ward just further down from that. He glanced towards all the farmer's stall, at the Jeweler's across the way, at the blacksmith's just next to it and then back to the apothecary and the healer's ward. Further away, he could see a tall, slanted roof--a church. Or temple, depending on the person.

"Well, Lady," he said, glanced about to see many people coughing and moving much more slowly than others. "I think we're in the right place."

Of course we are, Father. With that, she launched herself off his shoulder and flapped up onto the apothecary's swinging sign, where she proceeded to stretch out her wings and bask in the growing sunlight, head tilted up until her face was to the rising sun.

Elidyr smiled slightly and shook his head, then made his way down the street towards the healer's ward. He'd just passed under the sign that Lady was perched on when he heard it.

Dong.

Dong.

Dong!

He stumbled into the wall beside the apothecary's door, clutching his head. Through the ringing in his head, he heard Lady's wings as she fluttered them and glided down onto his shoulder, claws digging into his collarbone and shoulder-blade through his layers of clothing.

It took a moment before he realized she was trying to talk to him. Father? Father?!

"I'm alright, Lady," he muttered, leaning heavily on the wall, and slowly lowering his hands. He cast a glance about, but no one had seemed to notice him--or the bells, the echo of which seemed to reverberate through his very core. Elidyr glanced towards where Lady was perched on his right shoulder and frowned. "Did you hear the bells, too?"

Lady blinked slowly at him. What bells?

"Never mind," Elidyr hissed and pushed off the wall. He could wonder about the bells later. For now, he needed to go offer his help with the sickness spreading through Syna. The sooner, the better, because if they kept up the lack of, well, anything, then they were going to have a proper plague on their hands.

He tried to shake off the echo of bells tolling and headed off down the street again, stepping over a rather large hole in the cobblestones. He paused at the mouth to an alley, glancing down it to see a bundle of dirty clothes and blankets curled up behind a shabby-looking cloth--with several objects on it--laid out on the ground. Elidyr hesitated, glancing towards the healer's ward sign and then back down the alley. The bundle coughed, violently, and his mind was made up. Eli turned and headed down the alley, barely sparing the cloth a glance before he reached the bundle's side and crouched down beside them.

"Hey," he said softly, gently laying a hand on what seemed to be their arm. "You okay?"

The bundle coughed a bit more and shook its head. Elidyr tried to peer beneath the blanket that had been pulled over what seemed to be their hand, but all he could see was long, tangled dark hair.

"Bluecough?" he asked and the bundle nodded. Eli hummed and glanced about. "Let me guess, couldn't afford the healers?" Again, they nodded, and the coughing grew even worse. Eli sighed. "You must be pretty bad if you can't talk to me..."

"Can.... Hurts..."

Eli winced at how raw and hoarse the poor bundle's voice sounded, but at least he sort of had an idea of their gender now. "Don't talk, sweetie. I can help you, okay? But it's gonna hurt... You good with that?"

For a long moment, the bundle was silent and unmoving and then they nodded. Eli blew out a breath and then shifted to kneel in front of them. A dirty, feminine face peered back at him from the shadows beneath the blanket with bright eyes. There was a rash across one cheek and about her mouth and nose, but she seemed okay otherwise.

Eli nodded to her. "Ready?" he asked, and she nodded back. "I'm sorry."

With that, he leaned forward to press a hand against the base of her throat and closed his eyes, trying to concentrate. Distantly, he felt Lady hop off his shoulder with a tiny meow. He filed it away for later, knowing that Lady wouldn't go far. Without Lady to worry about, he turned his attention to the sickness infecting the poor girl's lungs. It lit up a sickly blue-grey in his magical senses and Eli dove towards it with his healing magic.

As he started to burn away the sickness in her lungs, he felt his own begin to burn, felt his breath getting shorter and shorter. Distantly, he could hear her crying out hoarsely in pain, but he had to at least give her a chance. She was... so, so ill. The bluecough was practically coating her lungs, slinking into gaps and spaces that Elidyr hadn't thought it could get into, and then it had started creeping up into her throat. No wonder she'd not been able to speak very well, no wonder it hurt. As he noticed that, he felt his own throat begin to burn and cried out, ripping himself back away from her.

He tripped over something in his haste to pull away, and opened his eyes right as he landed on his ass. Lady darted away with a hiss. Elidyr ignored her, unable to look away from the girl opposite him. She looked a little better, less pale, and the rash on her face didn't look as bad. He could feel the itching and burning across his own, though, so he knew he'd taken some of it into himself. After all, that was how his healing tended to work.

She opened her mouth to say something, but instead of hearing her, Eli heard the echo of the bells tolling again. They were much louder this time, and he cringed, slapping his hands over his ears as he scrambled backwards. Eli cried out in pain, feeling like his head was splitting open, but his voice was too hoarse to be very loud, and then there was a loud CRACK.


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Mon Feb 15, 2021 12:43 am
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mordax wrote a review...



Hello again!

cocked her head and meet his gaze.

"met" not "meet" as it is past tense.

Wide. Open.

I understand wanting emphasis here, but I think that could be achieved by just saying "Wide open" rather than splitting the words into two separate sentences. Doing the two separate sentences disrupts the flow.

somewhere--or someone--or some way to help.

The "somewhere" here, doesn't make much sense. Perhaps reword it to just: "some way--or someone--to help"?

with a lot of people, and a lot of merchants or travelers, despite being so early.

The double use of "a lot" disrupts the flow. I would suggest changing "a lot of people" to "crowds of people", then transition to "half of them merchants or travelers" or whatever kind of fraction or amount you prefer. Right now, there is no true picture of how many people or how many merchants/travelers there are.

And that just upset Eli even more.

I would suggest not beginning sentences with "And" unless it is for emphasis. Here, I think this sentence could do without.

They really should have been quarantining the entire damned city!

Wow, this is very relevant to this day and age, isn't it, lol.

He glanced towards all the farmer's stall, at the Jeweler's across the way, at the blacksmith's just next to it and then back to the apothecary and the healer's ward. Further away, he could see a tall, slanted roof--a church. Or temple, depending on the person.

I struggled through reading this description. First off, it felt a bit like a info dump, and I began to lose track of where I was in the story and setting, trying to follow all these buildings, stalls, and places. In a truly busy marketplace, marking the location and purpose of all the tiny shops, stalls, and buildings is difficult, so instead of visualizing a bustling city, I saw it more as a 2D map. I would suggest either cutting down on the specific places and focusing more on the crowded-ness of the place. Of course, you can completely disregard me if you intended for this character to be noticing all these things. I mean, what do I know? Lol

bundle of dirty clothes and blankets curled up behind a shabby-looking cloth--with several objects on it--

I'm a bit lost on the visualization of this description. As I read further, the picture became more clear in my mind, but from this statement alone, I was confused. Perhaps rewording it to something along the lines of "bundle of dirty clothes and blankets curled into the corner. Scattered around it were trinkets all carefully set upon a worn cloth." I don't know, up to you.

tiny meow.

This was a shocker! (in a good way) I was under the impression Lady was some sore of hawk or bird, so hearing her meow made me smile. I can't wait to learn more about her.

Okay, so I was sure my favorite character was Tyri... Then I thought it was Paimon. Then Belxibis came along, and now... Now I'm just captivated by each and every one. Each character up until this point has seemed to be acting in more self-interest, but Elidyr is the opposite. Learning that healing is taking on another person's illness was fascinating and made me that more impressed with Eli that he would do so to a complete stranger for free. It really shows who he is as a character. I love how this side of him is also balanced with the side that is judging the precautions (or lack thereof) the city has taken, and his hint of sass. I'm so excited to see more from him!

Question: How is Elidyr pronounced?

Wonderful job!!
Mordax




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Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:47 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Vincian and ScarlettFire!

This was another solid introduction! Elidyr seems like the typical well-meaning, just wants to help type of individual, which is great to have in a story to balance out to chaos, but I hope we get to see more depth to him as the novel goes on.

I honestly don't have too much to say about this section as a whole. I'm happy to see that the bluecough is coming back in a meaningful way and wasn't just a throwaway from the first introduction, but there is still a lot we don't yet understand. I'm also curious about this healing magic. I think it's a really interesting concept of being able to heal others with the sacrifice of your own health, but this makes me wonder what Eli thinks that he can do? As he was coming into the city, he has this noble goal of wanting to help people with the sickness, but if he knows that he likely will get more infected the more he tries to heal, how much will he actually be able to do? Is this something that he's thought about? I think that's a really interesting thought that I would have loved to see him grapple more with a bit.

Quick nitpick that I noticed while reading:

The streets were still bustling with a lot of people, and a lot of merchants or travelers, despite being so early.


The phrase "a lot of" felt redundant in both places, because the words bustling already implies that there are a lot of people around. There's a lot of focus on the fact that there are tons of people around, and while I get that it's to emphasize that people are walking around as if this plague isn't upon them, it doesn't need two whole paragraphs devoted to it. I think the focus should be more inwards and on Eli's thoughts, because at this point we've already witnessed the crowded market descriptions from two other characters. It's not as necessary to us as readers anymore.

Also, I totally see your commentary on the current state of our world and I'm here for it haha.

The other thing is that I'm not entirely sure who Lady is? I know this is likely intentional to leave her presence vague, but I would have liked a bit more description on her. What type of bird was she in the beginning? I then think she later shape shifted in a cat, but not entirely sure? I wish there were more hints about her purpose and their relationship because that is where I'm really interested! It felt like this cool talking point that was shirked off for later, and it might have been stronger to include some teasers earlier on.

As a whole though, this was a good chapter! The writing was easy to read, and I'm semi interested in the characters but I really just want to jump into the plots. There have been more than enough intro for everything going on, haha. I want answers!

I look forward to the next part ^^ Happy writing!
~ Wolfe




Omni says...


Hii Wolfe <3 thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you are enjoying the story so far. So, Lady is actually a winged cat! I hope that clears up the confusion haha



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Sat Feb 06, 2021 2:51 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



"Elidyr carefully picked his way down the path just outside of Syna, Lady flaring her wings whenever he accidentally jostled her. He could see the gates just up ahead and hoped they'd let him in. He'd heard about the outbreak of bluecough and figured he'd probably be able to help, being a healer. That wasn't a guarantee that they'd even let him in." what an intriguing beginning.
Oh, stop fussing! - in this one put quotes. yeah telepathy! once i wondered that i would also be able to do that... but now it's gone.

i think you have written it in thought of this corona virus(covid 19) outbreak. am i right? overall it's a very good peace of writing. it took me to the wonderland.

"She opened her mouth to say something, but instead of hearing her, Eli heard the echo of the bells tolling again. They were much louder this time, and he cringed, slapping his hands over his ears as he scrambled backwards. Eli cried out in pain, feeling like his head was splitting open, but his voice was too hoarse to be very loud, and then there was a loud CRACK." i didn't understand what you wanted to mean. it might be due to that i haven't read the earlier chapter. but it's unclear.

i don't know how much i helped you, but i tried my best. thanks for giving me the opportunity of reading such a good story.





You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon