Published November 12, 2011
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140,525 Literary Works • 673,312 Reviews
This is a great story! Next time instead of having that one piece as one entire chapter, it should be two instead and then you won't have as much detail in the first Chapter which should only give the reader a taste to the entire story as it unravels into something truly great-like this is going to be.
This is a great story you've got here, and I love the wording. The names are awesome too, but the only slight criticism I have is that you seem to go into some kind of unneeded detail about such small pieces of information, but there's really not much of a problem with that because it's better to go into extra detail than into none at all!
I really do love your writing style, and your originality, as I don't recall ever reading anything like this before, so keep up the good work! Hope my review helps in some way, although it's probably nothing more than what everyone else has already told you
This is great.
I really like the detail of the description, but sometimes there is a bit too much. Maybe only describe in detail some of it, rather then everything. That way it keeps the story flowing.
It also seems very original, so I will be looking out for more!
~DS x
This was verryy well-written, something that divides great work from mediocre, even when the plot line is the same. The plot seems quite interesting, too, though, although at this point there's still a million directions for this to take. I'll keep my eyes open for the next parts of this and hopefully get a chance to read and review them.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Its great, has the right amount of wording for the characters but my only issue is that sometimes you write too much about too little.
Example-feeling like life is weighing its burden on my shoulders, my head is trying to heavily balance its seat on my neck, my bones are aching and my heart is pounding like the drums of a fanatic.
I think its a bit tiresome when you write 2 lines about how your body feels. One line- fair enough but 2 is way more than enough! I hope my review helps!
8.5/10