Young Writers Society

Momo here with a review, as promised!

'Twas in the dark of the morning

that the Old Queen had breathed her last.

'Twas in the dark of the morning

that a sorrowful shadow cast

o'er Allegoria, Kingdom fair

to the North, o'er the Sea.

'Twas in the dark of the morning

that the Queen at last met me.

Hi, Vilnius! Saw you left a request in the roost, so here I am to review!

This is one of the few poems to make me exclaim out loud. I don't often voice my appreciation for something when I'm sitting alone in my room, but this poem a hundred percent got me. It's one of my favorite kinds of poems, very reminiscent of Poe's "Annabel Lee" and other such ballads. So very, very well done on that front. I want to read more about this world and this queen's legacy, for sure.

Praise aside, there are a couple things I'd like to address before I dive into specific things I loved about this piece.

Okay, so first and foremost: Throughout the poem, your rhyme scheme jumps around a lot. I don't know if that was intentional, but in a lot of ballads the rhyme stays consistent throughout. In this poem, however, you hop from AA BB to ABAB to other systems I don't think there's a name for. It took me out of the mood a bit (though not by any means out of it enough not to love it. Again, this poem was a joy to read). If you're going for a ballad or any song-like poem, I strongly suggest a consistent rhyme scheme.

Second issue: In a couple lines, your choice of words took me back out of the poem. You have a very specific aesthetic here, it feels like, and the word "gal" in line 4 of stanza 2 didn't feel like it fit that aesthetic. Again in stanza six with the phrase "King Mike the First to old Aristotle", it doesn't sound as melancholy as the rest of the poem. The impression I got from this piece was an excerpt from a bardic tale: focused heavily on the tragedy of this woman's mistakes and the mightiness of her character. Referring to this revered individual as "gal" and then calling a king Mike felt a little out of place. That's just me, though. Perhaps you had another tone you were going for and I missed the mark.

Now for a couple isolated incidents I wanted to note:

Stanza 3: You don't specify who's talking, which is probably wise when establishing a dialogue between the narrator and the subject. I kind of guessed it was the queen, but after the Devil's short monologue it felt like there should have been a preceding fanfare before the subject of the poem speaks. It's an important moment in a poem when the protagonist addresses the speaker/audience.

Stanza 4: You missed "it" in the line "Why is [it] that you, dear woman, must die?" :3 Happens to the best of us.

Stanza 7: In the first line, you say the Lord was kind in his silence. Is silence kind in this situation? Why does the Devil think so? I guess that's a clarification more than anything--I was a little confused by that characterization of God, especially for someone so opposed to him as Lucifer.

The last stanza: "Ancient damnation"...it's a cool phrase, but it felt a little stuck into that bit. There are more eloquent ways of establishing Ismelda's damnation. Perhaps "damned for her son's sins" or something that isn't tagged on. I can't quite articulate what bothers me so much about the placement of the phrase, but it bugged me a bit. Once again, I may be missing some points you intended to make, which I suppose is only natural since I didn't write the poem myself.

Now, the stuff I loved is abundant. Like I said in my intro, I was blown away by the skill with which you carried out the art of a ballad poem. You had the tone exactly right (except in the little spots we already talked about) and your characterization of both the Devil and Ismelda through the dialogue and the Devil's own narration was so perfect. It made me invest in this world and want to read more. I also really appreciated your note, because some of your lines wouldn't have made sense to me without it.

I'd say one of my favorite lines was in the first stanza, when the Devil says "'Twas in the dark of the morning/that the Queen at last met me." Like, that's such an excellent bit to include! Because of the stanza break, too, that leaves us at a brief cliffhanger: who did the queen meet? Death? God? The Devil?

All in all, this is an artfully articulated poem with just a couple issues to address. I would love to see more of this from you! Excellent, excellent work. Keep writing and happy RevMo!

Wishing you the very best,
RavenLord

Hi VP!

Here to review your poem on behalf of the knights of the Afterwatch, let's get started.

So first, I'm a little confused about the commentary at the end? I was thinking this was a historical poem, but I guess it's a poem sort of based on a story you're writing? It's definitely cool that you put the contextualization of the piece at the end of the poem - but I could use a bit of information about what this is from - whether it's your personal series, or a fan fiction, or what's going on here a bit.

Let's get to the poem itself -

that the Old Queen had breathed had last.

""Why is that you, dear woman, must die?"

his mothers ways

I took the Queen's hand and led her to the regions below...

Hey there, VP! I saw this work lingering in the Green Room and hanging out in the Literary Spotlight, so I thought I would try my hand at reviewing it.

To start off this review: I love the style you used when writing this poem! It makes the poem feel much older than it is, despite being written in 2020 and being set in 2104. Seeing that the world that the poem is set in has a magical twist, and that the Devil is the one narrating the poem, I think that's the perfect way to present a little snapshot of your world to your readers.

Rose_Monarch mentioned in their review down below that they were able to get a good idea of the story from the poem alone. I wholeheartedly agree with that! Reading the explanation at the bottom certainly made me appreciate the poem more, but you have a knack for storytelling through poetry. I hope this is one of many narrative poems you end up posting on YWS.

I especially like the moral twist you pull with the Devil. In older stories that I've read, the Devil is often an antagonist - the protagonist is trying to stop the Devil from taking their soul after a deal gone sour. In this, the Devil feels almost human. You also bring up the moral complexity of different historical/Biblical figures with the lines down below:

I nodded, sighed again, and looked to the sky,
and questioning God, I once more asked "Why?
Why should these great people, these saints and apostles,
join me here, from King Mike the First to old Aristotle?"

las that my son turned from his mothers ways

and questioning God, I once more asked "Why?

The Lord in his kindness did not reply,

Upon winning the war and retaking the world at large, the remnants through Jaques in prison at Ismelda's request.

Ancient damnation, holy was she,

I really like this one! Lol when I get home and have my computer, I'll try to write an actual review, but for now I love this. That is all XD

This poem does a great job of telling me who Ismelda the Sixth is, even without reading the commentary. The fact that even the Devil questions why she's going to Hell does a lot for how good of a person the rider think she is. Your Old English diction in the poem really sets the tone and is an interesting juxtaposition compared to the year 2104. The pace of the poem is quite nice, seeming to rhyme now and then. Your world-building is really interesting, and I find myself wanting to know more about all the kingdoms and empires. Question: Is the Devil real in this world, or is this a piece of fiction written by a citizen of this world?