Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm back for more...
First Impression: So these chapters were a lot to process but I can see sort of like four or five subplots in this one carrying through the overall arc of it. Each one is going along nicely. The overall pacing of these two chapters work pretty well too. Definitely excited where this is going even though i understand none of the politics.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"Some people say a man is made out of mud," the old man grumbled.
"Isn't that 'Sixteen Tons' by Ernie Ford?" Evans asked through a mouthful of salad. "You know it, don'tcha, Austin?"
Pretty neat start there. No idea what that song is but its good to reference a few things from the real world like that.
A few moments later, there was a knock on the door. The golden handle turned downward, and Emma stepped inside. "Sorry I'm late," she said quietly. "Austin, when we're done doing whatever it is we're doing here, Mom and Dad need to talk to you."
He nodded and turned back to the governor and Grandpa McHale. "Why are we here?" he repeated.
Probably should have asked that earlier Austin but okay take your time.
Evans swallowed a mouthful of salad before standing, moving towards a map hanging on the wall. It was just like the one Grandpa McHale had shown them the previous week-- underlined cities were capitals, circles ones were destroyed-- but sharpies had been used to mark out the lands of the new nations.
So sharpies have somehow survived the nuclear attacks. This made me laugh for some reason. I don't know why.
Grandpa McHale nodded. "McCloy and I confirmed her as an Ambassador this mornin', before dawn. That idiot Smith decided she couldn't do it alone-- callin' all of us experienced folk old-- and said we needed two young'uns to go with her. Well, y'all were the youngest responsible folk I could think of."
Well that seems kind of convenient that they just happen to be the only ones...I mean maybe mention like two three and then they were chosen cause of them being responsible or something. Otherwise it just sounds a little too lucky that they were chosen.
"Well, the fastest way would be to take th' river," Evans said. "But for safety... goin' through Mississippi and into Louisiana. We're gonna let Ginger and Smith decide for themselves. Your parents have already said you can go."
Poor kids having everything planned out before they get asked about it.
“Did a bomb drop on D.C.?” Evans asked rhetorically.
Did he now? Just kidding...I have theories...
“The Union survives,” Grandpa McHale answered. “We can fight against the fascist threat and start rebuilding.”
“And if we fail?” Austin asked.
“Pray that these guys aren’t as bad as Hitler.”
Very action movie one liner style ending there which is cliche but I love that so who cares.
The governor replied with a hearty laugh as Austin helped the older woman climb onto a modernized horse-drawn covered wagon. The blinds had been let loose to keep out any bugs, and a small supply of food and extra clothes had been shoved under a seat. Three blankets and several pillows sat beside Emma, who sat at the back of a wagon.
That's a pretty neat description that you've got there. Gets a pretty nice image into one's head.
“Th’ guns are loaded?” Grandpa McHale asked. “Y’all have enough shells?”
I assume he's talking about shotguns 'cause you usually call all the other stuff cartridges. Shells are usually for like tank rounds and other heavy artillery. Or maybe this is slang and I overthought this. Anyway...just dropping some knowledge courtesy of Professor Harry.
“It wasn’t America. Sure, this or that was better here or there, but there’s nothing like the good ol’ red, white, and blue. Besides, I’m a Southerner. I was born in Lafayette (luh-FAY-it; yeah, we’re weirdos here), and I will die in Lafayette.”
“And if we die in Texas?”
“I’ll die in Lafayette, and no one’s changin’ my mind,” she responded. “Now, Austin, be a good young’un and take the reins. These hands are tired of driving.”
Weren't they only driving for like a few minutes. How did she get tired so fast? Or did this time skip more than I thought because if so it really is not clear that you did that.
The “First Horses,” as Austin dotingly called them, slowly came to a stop. Emma hopped off of the wagon to unhook them. Ginger and Austin followed, helping to tie the horses to a nearby tree.
Very creative name there.
“Now, young’uns, we’ve been given a special mission,” Ginger began. “Three years ago to the day, the United States suffered the worst terrorist attack since September 11, 2001. It is our duty to rebuild and reunite that America against the fascist threat that has arisen in the west. As such, we’re being sent into the strongest, most independent part of the south: the Republic of Texas.”
Sounds like a speech that he practiced in front of the mirror so if that's the effect you were going for well done if not...umm make it a little more natural sounding.
“I’m gettin’ to that if you’ll be patient,” the old woman said. “We’re going to talk to President Amy Vance herself and explain what we know. It’s a daunting task. Trust me, I know. But your grandfather and I believe that if Texas and its oil fall to the West, then democracy will die in America forever.”
Talk about high stakes...good to just give the readers the full weight of what's going on. It really does add to the whole experience.
“Adrian, seal the deal. Get it done. I didn’t send you to Kentucky to play negotiator.”
“But, sir, if I may--”
“You may not, Adrian. Those are my orders.”
“Of course, Mr. President.”
Well someone is being strict.
“Kentucky will have joined by then. I’ll sign that treaty as soon as I return to my main office. But I don’t want Smith shoving us around for years to come. There’s only one man that can take the presidency in 2020, and that man is William McHale.”
I assume that's Grandpa and that would be awesome.
Wilkes looked away. “I’ll tell Smith that you’ve accepted the invitation. When I get back to Jackson with whoever ends up in your delegation, I’ll inform the old man personally.”
Okay, them going forward with planning for that without informing him seems a little risky but I guess they know there is no chance that he would say no.
“My friends call me Esa.”
“And mine call me Wilkes.”
“Well then, Wilkes,” the governor said, raising a shot glass, “I think this is a good start to a beautiful friendship.”
And I think I've seen that line somewhere but I forgot. Pretty nice ending though. Little hope in this one unlike the previous two chapters and that balance is nice to have.
I normally wouldn't compile these chapters together, but they were so darn short and un-detailed that I just didn't see the point in posting them at their lengths. There was nothing to add on from there without prematurely spoiling plot points , and I'd rather post two short chapters together than do that.
Umm you know you can flesh out chapters. Add some descriptions...get a little elaborate with it...like where on Earth this last conversation happens, maybe a bit more scenery as they go riding along. That sort of thing can help you make it longer because otherwise these two really are quite short. Although I can see why you can't exactly join them together.
The characters are, I hope, starting to become more alive for you readers. If they aren't, let me know; I'll see what I can do.
Most of them are which is nice although now I am having trouble keeping track of all of them cause there are so many and only like three of four are memorable if you get what I mean. They have personalities but only a couple of them have memorable personalities.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I am still really liking where this is going. You're doing a ton of worldbuilding that's being laid out really nicely and overall its just been a really fun story so far. And our new characters in this one seem like pretty nice people, all those conversations were also pretty well done. Nothing much else to point out I think. Looking forward to reading more!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253238
Reviews: 4095
Donate