z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

America Gone - One

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

New Characters:

Austin Nightshade

Emma Nightshade

Abby Nightshade

Alistair Nightshade

Luna McHale Nightshade

William McHale

Nolan Ray Peters

__________________________________

November 1, 2019

Two Years, Eleven Months, Twenty-four Days

After the Bombs Fell

He awoke on the ground. His mother and sisters were still asleep while father was tending to a small fire out in the woods a few miles from a small farm. They had a wagon and three horses, the only way to get around since the gas stations shut down.

"Mornin', Austin," his father, Alistair, said quietly. "I shot a pigeon and need some of your herbs to cook it. I can't tell 'em apart."

Alistair was a large, bulky man from Alabama with dark blue eyes, a hunter and fisherman before th bombs. He wore clothes like what Davy Crockett once wore when he was still traipsing about the wilderness.

"Fine. But you really should try to learn these herbs, Dad. What kind of hunter doesn’t know his plants?"

Alistair rolled his eyes. “I know some of them well enough.”

Austin pushed himself off of the ground and went over to the wagon. Thinking to himself for a moment, he pulled out a small jar of vegetable oil and a small case of precious butter. He also pulled a few beetroots and a butternut squash from a small sack of herbs and vegetables. He took his small knife and diced the chosen breakfast veggies before dumping them in a small pot of boiling water sitting over the small, crackling fire.

"Wait about five minutes before you add the pigeon, alright?" he said.

"Fine. If you want to freshen up, there's a little stream just over there, down that small hill," Alistair replied, pulling at his short, brown beard.

Austin nodded. "I'll wait a bit." He glanced at his sisters.

Emma slept more peacefully, bundled in a woolen blanket they’d bartered for in Charleston, the capital of an independent Virginia. Abby, meanwhile, had sprawled herself across the ground on top of a couple blankets looted from a Walmart. Luna, their mother, stirred.

"Wait for what?" she asked drowsily.

"A bath, Mom," Austin said. "I think it's better to wait, especially since we’ve just left Nashville. We don't know what we'll find between here and Grandpa’s."

"True," she replied. "Are we having corn again?"

"We're not. Pigeon, beetroot, and butternut squash." Austin frowned before adding, "And some of the butter."

"Austin, you know that we don't have much left."

"I know," the young man said, nodding. "But, we're almost to Grandpa's, and he's bound to have more than enough butter to clog all of our arteries."

Grandpa McHale was an odd one. He had been born in 1956, a few years after the start of the Cold War. He was raised to be a "true Southerner and Republican". He had a bomb shelter filled with a stockpile of guns and food under his house, which he also used as a cellar. They were sure he was still alive- if anyone could survive the bombs, it was him.

"If you'd let me go on head-" Austin began.

"Aw, hush boy," Alistair said. "We both know that he'd shoot first and ask questions later."

"That's only with you, Dad." Emma had woken up. "Austin, is your watch still working?"

Her twin nodded. Grandma McHale had given it to him when he turned thirteen as a present. "Just past nine-thirty."

"We've slept too long. But at least we're out of the bad parts of Virginia,” Luna said a bit anxiously. “We need to hurry.”

"Let's wake up Abby, eat, and go on from here," recommended Emma. "We can get to Grandpa's and stay with him, maybe get some news."

"Yeah," Austin said. "Let's do that."

"This isn't a-"

Alistair Nightshade stopped in his tracks. He was going to say democracy, but he realized that would be a mistake. Tennessee was still under martial law by orders of a Godfrey Smith-- Luna had recognized him as former Speaker of the House-- who was claiming the presidency. Part of Kentucky had reorganized itself, and remnants from the Virginias had banded together. In New England, contact had been made with Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas. Together, they made up the newly established Coastal States.

"I think you're father means that he doesn't think we should leave just yet." Luna gave her husband a stern look. "I, however, agree with you both. When we get there, we'll finally be safe."

Is anywhere safe? Austin thought to himself. Ever since the bombs dropped...

"I'm already awake," Abigail said, rubbing her eyes. "Is there food? What time is it? Are we almost there?"

"Yes, half past nine, and yes," Emma answered. "Come and get it. I'm sure that it's about done."

"Good."

__________________________________

About thirty minutes later, they had all eaten and had moved their sleeping bags and pillows to the wagon. It was Luna's turn to drive the hitched horse. Emma and Austin rode the other two on either side. Abigail and Alistair were in the back of the wagon.

Another two hours later, they were well on their way towards Salt Water Springs, where Grandpa McHale lived. It was only a few miles away from Clarksville. No more than five miles from the small town, the family began to hear voices.

"Well, Nolan, there's not too many that travel through these parts anymore. Thank 'ee for the ammo," the first voice, a male, said. “As the song goes, Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition.”

"Anything for you, ol' man. You're our best customer. Not to mention we still want you to jon us in Bombingham," replied the second.

"God bless ya, Nolan Ray, God bless ya, but I can’t. I work for th’ President now, you know that."

Just then, one of the horses whinnied rather loudly.

"You hear that, Mr. McHale?"

"Aye," the first man, whom the children realized was their grandfather, said. "Aye. It better not be any o' dem Yanks. Or fascists, either. I take care o' em."

The two came into view. The other man had two guns raised as soon as the traveling family were in sight.

"You can shoot that bulky man. The rest are with me," Grandpa McHale said, smirking.

"Daddy," Luna hissed, "you know better than that." She jumped off the front of the wagon, walking over to hug her father.

The twins dismounted. "Grandpa!" Emma called, running over.

"Well, I'll be damned. I thought you was all up in Boston!" their grandfather said.

"We traveled all the way down to find you," the teen girl replied.

"I'll be dogged," the unknown man said, twirling his guns before putting them in his holsters. "You come all the way from Massachusetts?"

"Yes, Mister... er... Who are you?" Alistair asked.

"Nolan Ray Peters, head of the Redneck Republic. Well, most of it. Who're you?"

"They're the Nightshades," Grandpa McHale said. "Emma, Austin, Abigail, and my Luna. Don't know who the bulky man is."

"He's my husband, Alistair," Luna said. "We've just left Nashville--"

"We just call it the Nash now," Nolan interrupted. "Ville means fort. Only fort 'round here's Hicksville, five minute walk that way." He pointed south.

"Hicksville?" Emma asked. "Fort of the Hicks?"

"Yeah, it is," Nolan said. "Did ya come through Kentucky or North Carolina on your way over?"

"No, Virginia," Alistair said. "Why?"

“Virginia’s got somethin’ set up?” the man asked, surprised. “I’d heard rumors… Oh well. Anyways, that’s the best way to get here, the Carolinas and Kentucky. You ever get past the state line down south, you’ll find the Redneck Republic.”

Grandpa McHale shook his head. “Y’all could’ve at least kept calling it Alabama or somethin’. Redneck Republic my a-- my foot,” he said, hastily fixing his mistake. McHale didn’t normally curse in front of children, unless he was surprised.

“We’re a republic of rednecks, we had nothin’ else to call it!” Nolan protested. “Besides, we’re better protected. We’ve got a navy.”

“Y’all have one ship, for Christ’s sake,” McHale said, rolling his eyes. “Besides, Tennessee’s got it better. We’ve got electricity, we’ve got a president, and we’ve got working phones.”

Nolan Ray sighed. “Fine. But we’ve got Abrams welded to the front gates of Bombingham. That’s gotta count for something.”

There was an awkward silence as the Nightshades looked between the two men in confusion as Grandpa McHale shook his head.

“Well I oughta go,” Nolan Ray said. Turning to the family, he tipped his hat. “Y’all take care, now. Shoot fascists on sight.” And with that, he turned and started to walk south.

A few minutes later, Grandpa McHale sighed. ‘C’mon. Let’s get ya to th’ house. We need to talk.”

__________________________________

Personal Notes/Commentary:

At the beginning of each Chapter, I plan to describe only the new characters. Thus far, this is the most new characters i have introduced in a chapter (I'm writing a little ahead). I'll do my best to not introduce an overwhelming number as I (likely) did here.

For those wondering why the Great Lakes Territories (Michigan and Winsconsin) were not mentioned, it is because the other nations/states do not know of their existence yet, and will not for at least a few chapters.

Let me know if you would like me to post a list of the bombed American cities, I'll get to it as soon as I can.


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31 Reviews


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Tue Nov 10, 2020 9:31 am
omer wrote a review...



EDIT: only now I see you revised this chapter. Well. Oops.

Hey Vil! I ran into this lovely chapter, read it and had some notes, so here they are:
1.

November 1, 2019

Two Years, Eleven Months, Twenty-four Days

After the Bombs Fell

I love that opening.

2.
Emma slept more peacefully, than who? bundled in a woolen blanket they’d bartered for in Charleston, the capital of an independent Virginia.


3.
"True," she replied. "Are we having corn again?"

"We're not. Pigeon, beetroot, and butternut squash." Austin frowned before adding, "And some of the butter."

I really like how this sets the tone of the story and the family.

4.
"I think you're your father means that he doesn't think we should leave just yet."


5.
About thirty minutes later, they had all eaten and had moved their sleeping bags and pillows to the wagon. It was Luna's turn to drive the hitched horse. Emma and Austin rode the other two on either side. Abigail and Alistair were in the back of the wagon.

Another two hours later, they were well on their way towards Salt Water Springs, where Grandpa McHale lived.

I feel like there is a gap between these two paragraphs. You don't have to write a whole page about what happens in their way to Grandpa McHale's, but I think this is a good opportunity to let the reader get the chemistry between the characters. A couple of short sentences about, perhaps, something that Emma tells Luna when they are halfway, are enough. Again, I think it just sets the vibe of the characters.

That's it! I'm going to keep on reading this.
Omer.




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Tue Sep 01, 2020 1:19 pm
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looseleaf wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hi Vil! LZ here with another review! Another wonderful chapter. This one left me confused, though. Did all technology disappear? Why is AlistaIr wearing old clothes that are probably harder to find than a t-shirt and jeans? Also, did you post a list of bombed American cities?

**That Technical Stuff**

I only caught one mistake this time, too!

a hunter and fisherman before th bombs.
Pretty sure that's supposed to be "the."

**Stuff I'm Confused About**

Several things I'm confused about.

Did technology disappear? Like, the US was the only one bombed, so the rest of the world has to have technology. What happened to the technology in the US?

Why is he wearing clothes like Davy Crocket? Where'd he find that? I think it would be easier (and much comfier) to wear jeans and a t-shirt, or at least a camo outfit. I think it's super cool and all, but not really practical.

**Characters**

Austin: He seems nice. His skills with herbs and cooking is really cool, but something about him makes me think he isn't the smartest of people.

Alistair: He seems like your typical duck-hunter type of guy. Like those dads who go on hunting trips with their friends once a year. I don't think he really has a filter, either, and just says what he wants.

The Twins and Luna: Emma and Abby seem cute. Luna seems like a good mom and good person in general. We don't really know much about them though.

Grandpa William: Grandpa William is interesting, let me just tell you that.

**The End**

Overall, I liked this chapter! It was super well written and the characters were interesting! I can't wait to read the next chapter. Have a nice day! Image




Riverlight says...


Whoops... I must have not clarified that Austin and Emma are the twins; Abby is their little sister.

Some tech can't be used in America, some can. For example, phones still work in Tennessee because the bombs used didn't give off EMP waves in some areas. Texas, due to its oil supply, is one of the few states with working cars. Several independent states/"nations" have some source of electricity.

For whatever reason, I just can't see Alistair wearing anything else. If he didn't already have it when they lived in Boston, he likely would have gotten it in Virginia (which will be mentioned in Chs. 2 and... 9, I think, and become a place of importance in 14). As for the why... Really, I think he'd rather be "rough and ready" than comfortable.

Thanks for your review!



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Fri Jul 17, 2020 1:35 am
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brotherGeo wrote a review...



Hello comrade!
Okay i just read the prologue and then read this. I have to say i'm very interested in the post apocalyptic genre, so i'm very excited to see where this all goes. your characters are interesting and well made. however as other reviewers have said it would be better if you built your character throughout your writing. other than that its pretty good, i don't see any grammar issues and the story is pretty solid. however i have noticed a major plot hole, you said that America was nuked yeah. well where is the radiation residue, the fallout. it takes hundreds of years for radiation to dissipate, there are many things that could be added to the environment however its up to you.
keep writing its good!
-brotherGeo




Riverlight says...


Regarding the radiation--

Based on my research, it takes roughly 2/3 weeks for deadly radiation to clear up. After that, yes, there would be a certain degree of climate change (I go into detail for that in my planned Chapter... 5 or 6, I think; I believe I mention some in 3 or 4.)

Other than that, it was primarily the northern states that were hit, in addition to California, Missouri, and Texas.

Thanks for your review!



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 6:10 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And I'm back for the second chapter of this.

First Impression: Okayy...a nice little family shown to us. Does a good job of establishing a setting for what's going on. Kinda felt like nothing was really happening besides them just reuniting with their grandfather and the readers getting a bunch of exposition so it was a little bit too ordinary for a first chapter I'd say. Chapters like this are fine but usually you want a little bit more excitement to really capture the readers and get them hooked to the story.

Anyway let's get to it,

New Characters:

Austin Nightshade - Lanky, brown hair, green eyes, 17; younger twin to Emma

Emma Nightshade - Tall, willowy blonde-haired teen; blonde hair, green eyes; elder twin to Austin

Abby Nightshade - Short, chubby, strawberry blonde, blue eyes; 9

Alistair Nightshade - Father to Austin, Emma, Abby; burly and hairy, brown hair/beard, blue eyes, 39

Luna McHale Nightshade - Mother to Austin, Emma, Abby; tall, willowy, red hair, green eyes; 33

William McHale - Scrawny old white-haired man, green eyes, wrinkly; 69

Nolan Ray Peters - Dark-skinned, burly Alabaman; dark hair, hazel eyes; 49


Okay this is not a styled of introducing characters that I have ever seen before. It's not an issue...I think...but I'm not sure.

He awoke on the ground. His mother and sisters were still asleep. His father was tending to the fire out in the woods near a small farm. they had a wagon and three horses, the only way to get around since the gas stations shut down.


Nice little passage to start there. Establishes the setting pretty well so that we can figure out what's where.

"True," she replied. "Are we having corn again?"


Okay subtle way to convey the sort of situation that they are in.

Alistair Nightshade stopped in his tracks. He was going to say democracy, but he realized that would be a mistake. Tennessee was still under martial law by orders of a Godfrey Smith-- Luna had recognized him as former Speaker of the House-- who was claiming the presidency. Part of Kentucky had reorganized itself, and remnants from the Virginias had banded together. In New England, contact had been made with Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas. Together, they made up the newly established Coastal States.


Now that is some very interesting worldbuilding indeed. This whole idea sounds really cool and looks like a ton of work went into building it up.

"Well, Nolan, there's not too many that travel through these parts anymore. Thank 'ee for the ammo," the first voice, a male, said. “As the song goes, Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition.”


I love that last line. That's an awesome catchphrase if I ever saw one.

"You can shoot that bulky man. The rest are with me," Grandpa McHale said, smirking.


I love this Grandpa already.

Grandpa McHale shook his head. “Y’all could’ve at least kept calling it Alabama or somethin’. Redneck Republic my a-- my foot,” he said, hastily fixing his mistake. McHale didn’t normally curse in front of children, unless he was surprised.


I don't think he needs to say my foot as well there. The previous one is enough, when you put both its a little awkward.

Aaand that's it for this one. I'm looking forward to more chapters of this.

Overall: Okay this was really interesting. Putting aside the fairly mundane happenings the world that you've built sounds really good and the information was revealed to us at a good pace without it sounding like too much information. The characters though are not very unique yet. Of course it's still chapter one so that's totally fine but when you have so many characters they do need to be unique. Hopefully they become more unique down the line. Hope to see the next part of this soon.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This review courtesy of
Image




Riverlight says...


Thank you for your review!

As I'm trying to keep a chapter or so prepared at all times, I'll be sure to revise upcoming chapters to better detail the characters.



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!!
Looking forward to the next chapters!!



Riverlight says...


Great!



KateHardy says...


:D



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Wed Jul 15, 2020 5:18 pm
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RadDog13579 wrote a review...



Hey Vilnus! Wow, what an amazing start to this world your building! I really love all of the characters already. Just a few pieces of advice. I would find a way to build in your new character section into the writing. It would make it that much better. This could be a copy and paste issue but I recommend italicizing characters thoughts. That's all for now. Keep up the good work and I can not wait to read the next chapter in this amazing story. That's all for now!

-RadDog




Riverlight says...


Thank you! I'll try that if I can.



Riverlight says...


I've made a few changes to the beginning-- there was an editing issue anyways, but I put the names in italics and separated the characters from the story.




Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde