z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

America Gone - Chapters Ten and Eleven

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

(Eleven)

November 21, 2019

Cheyenne, Wyoming

“What I am about to tell you does not leave this room,” Mr. Weiler said quietly. “You’ve all gotten very lucky. Normally, the buyers of slaves intend to use people as such. I intend to free all of you and help you into the East.”

There were gasps of joy and hope all around the room. Some hugged one another, others started crying. The tall, handsome man in the dark suit held up a hand for silence.

“I said that I intend to help you escape slavery. I cannot guarantee it. I am doing the best I can to help all of you. Now, go back to your rooms. We’ll start freeing you all tomorrow.”

Mr. Weiler had bought fifty slaves in Cheyenne, Wyoming the previous night, and Loxley had just happened to be among them. Weiler was a wealthy lawyer, owning the largest law firm west of the Mississippi. Cheyenne seemed to be the center of the trade, apart from Denver. Loxley lingered behind while the others filed out.

“M-mr. Weiler?”

The man nodded for the Brit to continue.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Don’t thank me, Mr. Loxley,” the lawyer said. “The Germans slaughtered my people during the Holocaust. For as long as I can keep my ancestry hidden, I will help those I can. It is my foremost duty and obligation. Now, go get some rest. You’ll need it come morning.”

_____________________________________________________________

November 22, 2019

Jackson, Capitol County

“I call this first meeting of the…” Esa looked at the notes she and Austin had worked on with Grandpa McHale that morning. “...the Meritable Party to order.”

Esa sat on a raised platform at the heart of the Oman Arena, a microphone at her lips. The arena was packed with Tennesseans, Kentuckians, a few Texans, some Arkansans, and a representative from the Redneck Republic sent by Nolan Ray Peters. Flags from the three reunited states and the American flag hung all around the arena, with a POW/MIA flag hanging half-mast at the heart of the room.

“Governor Percy Evans shall read his goals for this convention momentarily. He will be followed by Senator Hayes of Kentucky, Congressman Flemmings of Texas, Congresswoman Franks of Texas, and Ginger Fields, who will be reading a statement sent by Governor Vance of Texas. Senator McHale of Tennessee shall go last. Afterward, any that wish to speak will be given the chance. This convention is meant to last until Monday, the twenty-fifth following a recess on Sunday. Mr. Governor, you have the floor.”

Austin watched from his seat by his grandfather and Emma as Evans rose and walked to one of the four podiums on each end of the arena. The fat man slowly settled himself down at one, adjusting the microphone. There was a high pitched noise for a moment or two, but it ended abruptly as he started to speak.

“Madam Chairwoman… Members of Congress… My fellow Americans…” His deep, strong, slow voice echoed through the microphone. “Today, as you all know, marks three years and fourteen days since our lives were forever changed. I have long supported the ideals of the country over party, both before and after our current state of crisis, but I can no longer support the current administration.”

He smacked his lips for a moment before he carried on with his speech.

“The Meritable Party must come together against President Smith. More importantly, it must come together to support the American people. United, we must stand against fascism; against communism; against dictatorships and oligarchies; against all things un-American.”

There was some scattered applause, but he continued to speak over it.

“We must, first and foremost, remain loyal to the American people, no matter their age, beliefs, religion, gender, color, or anything else. Civil rights must be an issue that this party is loyal to. Furthermore, we must be dedicated to the conservation of our natural resources: our rivers, lakes, streams, wildlife. The Mississippi River is the only thing keeping the lights on. We must keep it safe. Thank you, and God bless you. Goodnight.”

There was some decent applause from the Texans and the west Tennesseans, but the others were mostly politely clapping, The governor returned to his seat, and Hayes walked to his podium at the other end of the stadium.

“If there is an American,” Hayes began immediately, “that believes that the old system of two parties still works, that believes that Republicans and Democrats can continue to carry on in a system that does not work, then tonight is not a night for them. After recent events, we need to reinvent the idea that is America. We need to increase the size and strength of our military. We need to establish a new national bank so as to fund this military and pay its soldiers. We need to increase subsidies for our farmers and increase the amount of land set aside for our farmers so that the American people will not go hungry. I am sorry to say that following the nuclear disaster, many in Kentucky starved after the worst winter we had ever seen. Those that survived immediately set to work on creating their own farms and gardens, and since then, none have gone hungry. The American people need their bread, but they also need homes, roads, and places of work. I propose that we also begin the work of rebuilding our nation and strengthening the ties each state has with the other. As Ben Franklin once said, We shall all hang together, or we most assuredly shall hang separately. That rings true today. Thank you, America, and good night.”

The others spoke, Ms. Flemings taking nearly an hour to push for tax reform and stop the creation of a national bank. After a while, Grandpa McHale stood and walked to the nearest podium, the last that would speak that night.

“Esa… Members of Congress, the legislatures… my fellow citizens. Tonight, we have formed an unbreakable bond. That bond shall carry us through the future. Our greatest goal needs to be repealing the Twenty-eighth Amendment and replacing it with a system where each county has one vote. Now, before the bombs, there were 3,143 counties, parishes, boroughs, independent cities, and census areas. Afterward, who knows. But what we do know is that each county has come together to rebuild itself, its state, and its country. After repealing this Amendment, we’re gonna kick Smith out of office. Really, we’re gonna smite Smith in 2020. We’re gonna hold our census. We’re gonna set up congressional districts. We’re gonna elect our members of Congress. We’re gonna elect the first President of the Meritable Party. And that president… is going to be me.”

Immediately, the crowd started to go wild, but McHale put up his hands for them to quiet down.

“As of today, I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. We are going to smite Smith. We are going to save the South. We are going to save America!”

Grandpa McHale held a fist in the air, and many lost their senses. Cries of “Smite Smith” broke out and spread like a wildfire among the hundreds that had gathered there. Grandpa McHale grinned and nodded to Esa.

“Tonight,” the old man began again, watching as the crowd started to settle down. “Tonight, we are going to vote. And we are going to choose a presidential candidate. And then, in a few months time, we will nominate vice presidential candidates. And we will smite Smith. Thank you! God bless you! God bless Tennessee, Texas, and Kentucky! God bless America! Thank you, and good night!”

__________________________________

“What the hell are you doin’, William?” Evans asked angrily. “Are you trying to tear the country apart before we’re even back on our feet?”

“No,” Grandpa McHale said firmly. “I’m trying to save it. I was hoping that you’d be my runnin’ mate.”

“I refuse. Try somebody else.”

Grandpa McHale sighed. “Now, see here, Percy, this has got to be done. Unless you want Smith in charge?”

“Course not, William! But I don’t want to tear the country apart before we’ve even put it back together again!”

Grandpa McHale sighed and looked at Wilkes, who had attended the rally but refused to speak. “I’ll do it, then. Smith is dangerous, Mr. Governor, he cannot be allowed to keep at this until after 2022. We won’t make it to next summer with the way he’s running things. Help us replace it. Please.”

“No,” the governor said. “I’ll agree with you on everything else, but not on this. And I’ll veto anything the legislature approves regarding it.”

“The legislature prefers me to you, Percy. Kentucky loves me. Texas’ll come around soon enough. I’ll force an amendment through Congress and the states. The Redneck Republic’s already assembling a delegation to seek readmission into the Union. My daughter’s sweet-talking the folks in Florida as we speak. I’m going to get this through.”

“We’ll see,” the governor replied. “We’ll see.”

__________________________________

Author's Notes and Commentary:

I think I'll be doing this every other chapter. If I don't, please yell at me. ;)

So, unlike 6 and 7-- hideously short chapters-- 10 is tiny, and 11 is longer. I still just don't like the idea of having a tiny piece stand alone. It just doesn't sit right with me. If that bugs you... so be it.

So, who here likes petty party politics? Better get used to them-- they'll be important in 12 (newspaper articles and a change of pace) and 13 (where we see the government step into action). They'll be part of 14, but for completely different reasons-- someone's coming, and they're coming soon.


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465 Reviews


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Tue Sep 08, 2020 11:02 am
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm finally getting around to read the next chapter xD I'm going to use a review template for the checklist challenge

First Impressions

Ooh, so things are definitely getting tense and the people are getting riled up! I'm excited to see how things play out. I'm not one for politics, but this was quite interesting to read!

Constructive Criticism

Mr. Weiler had bought fifty slaves in Cheyenne, Wyoming the previous night, and Loxley had just happened to be among them. Weiler was a wealthy lawyer, owning the largest law firm west of the Mississippi. Cheyenne seemed to be the center of the trade, apart from Denver. Loxley lingered behind while the others filed out.


YAYA c: That's great news, and a great way to open this up! This is kinda nitpicky, but I feel the last sentence doesn't really fit with the rest of the paragraph, because in the beginning you're stating information/not really talking about the present, and with the last sentence it jumps into the. present, you know?

Now, go get some rest. You’ll need it come morning.


Ooh, yes, I'm sure he will...

As Ben Franklin once said, We shall all hang together, or we most assuredly shall hang separately.


According to this article from the Knowledge Base Punctuation Marks (for the checklist challenge), you need to have single quotes inside your quotation when you're quoting someone else. In this case, you're quoting Benjamin Franklin.

Ms. Flemings taking nearly an hour to push for tax reform and stop the creation of a national bank.


Oof. By the way, before you spelled her name with two 'm's so I think you're missing an m :)

“As of today, I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. We are going to smite Smith. We are going to save the South. We are going to save America!”


Omg xD smite smith haha

“The legislature prefers me to you, Percy. Kentucky loves me. Texas’ll come around soon enough. I’ll force an amendment through Congress and the states. The Redneck Republic’s already assembling a delegation to seek readmission into the Union. My daughter’s sweet-talking the folks in Florida as we speak. I’m going to get this through.”


OOh, things are getting intense....

Positive Encouragement

I agree with Stringbean that your speeches are nicely done. I could easily imagine those speeches happening in mind with the crowd going wild at the end. And like Stringbean said, they weren't incredibly long, so they didn't bore the reader at all!

I know I've said this a bunch, but I just love how much detail and planning you've put into this. It's definitely paying off, because this story seems so realistic; I could really feel that this was happening. Your dialogue is probably my favourite part of your writing. It's natural, flows smoothly, and seems realistic.

Overall, you did a really nice job with this chapter! Sorry for a short review; I don't really have much to add. I hope this helped! :D

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Riverlight says...


I forgot all about the checklist, I've just been reviewing like mad XD

Thanks for your review I'll keep this in mind for revisions.



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Sun Sep 06, 2020 4:21 pm
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Stringbean wrote a review...



Hey, VP! Here I am again, albeit a bit late.

1.
First, before anything-- Loxleyyyyy! Poor Loxley! Ahhhhh!

And moving on--

2.
The speeches here are really nicely done. They sound very realistic, but you've kept them short and concise so that they are interesting and easy to follow. Also, just something about the characteristic way Grandpa has there of just sort of dropping it on them all that, "Hey, ya'll, Imma be president," that is perfect XD

3.
Heh, Smite Smith, I know where that came from XD

4.
My one biggest critique here I suppose is in the very last scene. I'm not sure what they're talking about with Grandpa and Percy Evans. What does Grandpa want to do that Evans won't? Maybe I'm just missing it though : P

5.
You've set up the setting for the second scene in this one well. Enough to visualize where they're at, no superfluous details.

Okay, so this is a shorter review, this time, sorry. Nice work though! Now I've gotta catch up with the rest of it XD

- Stringbean




Riverlight says...


4-- they're talking about the Amendment that lets them get rid of Smith.

Thanks for your review! I didn't know it had come through until I came to the page to check-- notifs are being slow :P



Stringbean says...


Ahhh okay lol

Silly notifs. I think all you crazy reviewers are overloading the site! XD



Riverlight says...


...um...

I plead the 5th



Stringbean says...


ZD



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 11:42 am
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm on the last couple of theses now.

First Impression: Okay so this one took it to places, that's for sure. We've moved forward on two fronts here and that's good to see. It looks like things are going to get maybe just a little spicy which is nice to see after all the setting that's going on so far. And some conflict in there is good too...the first bits seemed to have entirely too much easy agreements.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“What I am about to tell you does not leave this room,” Mr. Weiler said quietly. “You’ve all gotten very lucky. Normally, the buyers of slaves intend to use people as such. I intend to free all of you and help you into the East.”


Well that is definitely a very nice way of getting people's attention right there. Got my attention right away. Good job Mr.Weiler.

“I said that I intend to help you escape slavery. I cannot guarantee it. I am doing the best I can to help all of you. Now, go back to your rooms. We’ll start freeing you all tomorrow.”


Well that's very nice of him.

“M-mr. Weiler?”

The man nodded for the Brit to continue.

“Thank you, sir.”

“Don’t thank me, Mr. Loxley,” the lawyer said. “The Germans slaughtered my people during the Holocaust. For as long as I can keep my ancestry hidden, I will help those I can. It is my foremost duty and obligation. Now, go get some rest. You’ll need it come morning.”


Well that as a really short chapter there. Not something that I feel would deserve a chapter because this is only a tiny scene really. Either it has to be buffed up with some description of the room, maybe more of Mr.Weiler's speech and maybe a bit more detail on the reactions or you have to just tie this to the other one somehow because this as it is is barely going to be a page long and yes a massive plot point happens in it but it feels just dancing on that too short line a little too much. You can just put a scene break after all and just call it the same chapter.

“I call this first meeting of the…” Esa looked at the notes she and Austin had worked on with Grandpa McHale that morning. “...the Meritable Party to order.”


I like how they totally forgot the name.

Esa sat on a raised platform at the heart of the Oman Arena, a microphone at her lips. The arena was packed with Tennesseans, Kentuckians, a few Texans, some Arkansans, and a representative from the Redneck Republic sent by Nolan Ray Peters. Flags from the three reunited states and the American flag hung all around the arena, with a POW/MIA flag hanging half-mast at the heart of the room.


This is the best description that I have seen in the entire book. We need a bit more of this although this is again skipping over some stuff.

“Governor Percy Evans shall read his goals for this convention momentarily. He will be followed by Senator Hayes of Kentucky, Congressman Flemmings of Texas, Congresswoman Franks of Texas, and Ginger Fields, who will be reading a statement sent by Governor Vance of Texas. Senator McHale of Tennessee shall go last. Afterward, any that wish to speak will be given the chance. This convention is meant to last until Monday, the twenty-fifth following a recess on Sunday. Mr. Governor, you have the floor.”


Yep I already don't know who half of those people are.

“If there is an American,” Hayes began immediately, “that believes that the old system of two parties still works, that believes that Republicans and Democrats can continue to carry on in a system that does not work, then tonight is not a night for them. After recent events, we need to reinvent the idea that is America. We need to increase the size and strength of our military. We need to establish a new national bank so as to fund this military and pay its soldiers. We need to increase subsidies for our farmers and increase the amount of land set aside for our farmers so that the American people will not go hungry. I am sorry to say that following the nuclear disaster, many in Kentucky starved after the worst winter we had ever seen. Those that survived immediately set to work on creating their own farms and gardens, and since then, none have gone hungry. The American people need their bread, but they also need homes, roads, and places of work. I propose that we also begin the work of rebuilding our nation and strengthening the ties each state has with the other. As Ben Franklin once said, We shall all hang together, or we most assuredly shall hang separately. That rings true today. Thank you, America, and good night.”


That's a good speech but maybe show him pausing a couple of times or that just reads for a bit too long. The paragraph becomes a little hard to decipher when it is in that form. You need to maybe just put some reaction in the middle so that we can read it more easily.

“Esa… Members of Congress, the legislatures… my fellow citizens. Tonight, we have formed an unbreakable bond. That bond shall carry us through the future. Our greatest goal needs to be repealing the Twenty-eighth Amendment and replacing it with a system where each county has one vote. Now, before the bombs, there were 3,143 counties, parishes, boroughs, independent cities, and census areas. Afterward, who knows. But what we do know is that each county has come together to rebuild itself, its state, and its country. After repealing this Amendment, we’re gonna kick Smith out of office. Really, we’re gonna smite Smith in 2020. We’re gonna hold our census. We’re gonna set up congressional districts. We’re gonna elect our members of Congress. We’re gonna elect the first President of the Meritable Party. And that president… is going to be me.”


Well he certainly does know how to get to the point quickly. That's for sure.

Grandpa McHale held a fist in the air, and many lost their senses. Cries of “Smite Smith” broke out and spread like a wildfire among the hundreds that had gathered there. Grandpa McHale grinned and nodded to Esa.


Trust alliteration to get a crowd going.

“No,” the governor said. “I’ll agree with you on everything else, but not on this. And I’ll veto anything the legislature approves regarding it.”


Honesty.

“The legislature prefers me to you, Percy. Kentucky loves me. Texas’ll come around soon enough. I’ll force an amendment through Congress and the states. The Redneck Republic’s already assembling a delegation to seek readmission into the Union. My daughter’s sweet-talking the folks in Florida as we speak. I’m going to get this through.”


More honesty. Those were some amazingly casual threats that the two of them just very casually dropped and I love that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it's going along nicely. Grandpa McHale is the character that I am able to follow the best and he's been fleshed out fairly well. The others are sort of glitching in and out. I think it's an occupational hazard with having this many characters I have 17 main characters in one of mine and I have to do so much to make them recognizable with them just sort of having characteristics when they're important them becoming background noise. Just think about that one a bit more...I honestly don't know how to fix that in this type of story but I'm just telling ya so that you know.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Image




Riverlight says...


Trust me, compared to some other stuff I've written... This is a tiny cast.

I hope you'l like seeing "Grandpa for President" signs popping up XD



KateHardy says...


Oof at least I am not the only one who thinks a large cast is needed sometimes

Ooooh I would love that!! :D




It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.
— Rick Riordan, The Last Olympian