Young Writers Society

HELLO. I HAVE ARRIVED. I'me excited to see where this takes us <3

Grandpa McHale proudly smiled as he looked at all of the Senators that had trickled in over the past few days. Twelve states were rising from the ashes of twenty-nine. Here, twenty-two men and women were gathered from all of the states--Alabama, Delmarva, Georgia, Erie, Florida, Kentucky, New England, New Ohio, New Pennsylvania, Tennessee, and Texas.

Today would normally be Black Friday. But, instead, today is one which will forever go down in history. Our colleagues in the House passed two articles of the proposed amendment. Today, we, the one hundred and sixteenth Senate, shall pass them as well.

“William!” Senator Prestons of Virginia called. “I think this calls for a bit of a party! What d’you say we go on down to th’ nearest barn with our families and show these Yanks a good ole Southern time?"

Grandpa McHale smiled. “If I wasn’t a hugger, Lee, I’d hug you here and now,” he chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Of course… Mr. President.”

“You’ll be back at Christma for the party, right?”

“No, it’s alright,” Grandpa McHale answered. “When I’ve chosen someone, you’ll be the first to know. Give Anne a hug for me when you get back to Virginia. I know her depression was bad before this mess, I can only imagine…” McHale pulled Prestons close. “Take care of her. She was my friend before she was yours.”

If there are any points of detail/setting stuff you think I could kinda xpland on, lemme know. Details just don't come to me easily, so I'd like to work on that!

this Chapter is a lot more up close and personal with Grandpa McHale.

Hey Vil!

I really like what you did here with moving in closer to Grandpa's personal life. It adds good depth to him as a character. Overall I feel like this chapter provides a nice temporary shift away from the usual political, plot-based stuff, which sort of "wakes the complacent reader up" so to speak, piques new interest. I'd definitely like to see more of these personal moments, for all the main characters. I think it'd be interesting too if you could give us a peak at some point at what this run for presidency and competition against Smith means for Grandpa McHale privately. What is his personal motivation, the thing that turns his dislike for Smith into a conviction?


On to typos :p

Today, we, the one hundred and sixteenth Senate, shall pass them as well. Senate Esa Schwartz shall call the role.

Half an hour later, Esa and Austin compared their tallies. They were the same, of course-- most everyone had been scribbling away, and they would have said something if they thought it was wrong-- but when all was said and done, twenty Senators ha indeed moved for the amendment to pass.

Grandpa McHale smiled. “If I wasn’t a hugger, Lee, I’d hug you here and now,” he chuckled. “Thank you.”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm back for more!!

First Impression: This is so far going pretty good...I kinda miss the x days after the bombs fell. I feel like that really adds to this novel a lot more because this is a post apocalyptic story and we need to feel like it is one. I really think having that in is giving this a unique addition that helps it out. Other than that...its nice to see Grandpa get some support...I'm still going to expect lots of trouble ahead though.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Grandpa McHale proudly smiled as he looked at all of the Senators that had trickled in over the past few days. Twelve states were rising from the ashes of twenty-nine. Here, twenty-two men and women were gathered from all of the states--Alabama, Delmarva, Georgia, Erie, Florida, Kentucky, New England, New Ohio, New Pennsylvania, Tennessee, and Texas.

“We’re rebuilding, folks,” he said nostalgically. “Today would normally be Black Friday. But, instead, today is one which will forever go down in history. Our colleagues in the House passed two articles of the proposed amendment. Today, we, the one hundred and sixteenth Senate, shall pass them as well. Senate Esa Schwartz shall call the role. She and one of her interns shall keep the official tally. Despite party lines, this amendment is expected to pass twenty to two. I ask my counterpart, Senator McCloy, and her colleague Senator Flores to make this a unanimous vote.”

McCloy sat beside Flores, both with sour looks spread over their faces. Obviously, they would not kneel to the supermajority’s opinion.

Half an hour later, Esa and Austin compared their tallies. They were the same, of course-- most everyone had been scribbling away, and they would have said something if they thought it was wrong-- but when all was said and done, twenty Senators ha indeed moved for the amendment to pass.

Grandpa McHale shook his head. “We can’t do that, Lee. Don’t wanna scare’em off, now But we can open a bottle of champagne if we’ve got any. We’ll have a party when the states come back with their answer!”

Grandpa McHale smiled. “If I wasn’t a hugger, Lee, I’d hug you here and now,” he chuckled. “Thank you.”

“Of course… Mr. President.”

“Too soon for that, don’t you think?”

“Nah, not really. Not so long as you pick the right second. Francis--”

“No. I don’t like him, and I don’t trust him.”

“Then Esa.”

“Lee?”

“Yes, William?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Of course, William. You stay safe now, you hear?”

“No, it’s alright,” Grandpa McHale answered. “When I’ve chosen someone, you’ll be the first to know. Give Anne a hug for me when you get back to Virginia. I know her depression was bad before this mess, I can only imagine…” McHale pulled Prestons close. “Take care of her. She was my friend before she was yours.”

If there are any points of detail/setting stuff you think I could kinda xpland on, lemme know. Details just don't come to me easily, so I'd like to work on that!

Hi there.
This is the first of you work that i have read and i must say it was amazing. i'm going to have to go and read the rest of your work after this. your plot/ concept is extremely interesting. I am aware that you mentioned that you struggle with details but that is something that will become easier over time. Over all i love what you have written.
i look forward to reading more of your work.
Keep up the fantastic writing.

Hey there, Vilnius!

This is the first chapter in your story that I've read, but I might just have to go back and read from the beginning. You've got a pretty interesting concept going here, and there isn't a lot for me to critique by way of grammar. You mentioned that you struggle with details and setting, and this is fairly apparent in this story. The majority of it seems to take place in The Void TM, with very little indication of the characters' surroundings. I'll admit, I tend to struggle with this as well, dUe tO mY aPhAnTaSiA, and I've found that stepping away from what I've written, then coming back after a day or so helps with this. I can't quite explain why, but when I reread what's written after a break, it helps me notice when scenes are lacking in detail, or worse, when the characters are in The Void TM. Another tried and true way to ensure a good level of detail is to just have a friend screen it. I really hope this review was helpful, and I wish upon you only the best of #RevMo 's!

-Connie

(Seriously no idea how or why this is here.)