Hey Vil! c:
You've got another good chapter here! I really don't see much of anything wrong with it lol, and there's a lot of good stuff here that I want to point out. And also, just a general note on your writing-- I can really see, following through this novel chapter by chapter, where you're improving! You've been doing better with setting up the-- well the settings, and with showing your readers the more personal, nuanced sides of the people in this story. It all makes for a more engaging, more layered read and skillful telling.
So now on to the specifics c:
Part One
1.
Austin smiled sadly and answered, “Park Street Church. Noon. Pot luck with some of your friends from work that went to church there. I remember that Mr. Madison thought it was a strange tradition.”
I like this. You've done a nice job of integrating a very natural, relatable memory of theirs without it seeming forced or being bogged down with exposition. The scene flows very naturally here and this bit adds a lot of depth to Austin and his mom, making the reader suddenly become aware of the fact that they have lives that have gone on long before what we've seen in the story. There's a lot more to them than that, and it's good to see that built upon.
2.
Luna sighed. “Emma said that, too.”
Though short, this is another potent line I think. Watching how Luna tried to guide her son to a more hopeful attitude up until this point, then seeing his sort of dead-end response, I can really empathize with her reaction here. Her sigh says a lot about how she's feeling, then the added layer to that and really their whole family struggle in this with Luna's remark about Emma. This line does a good job of framing her as the mother who's trying to help her children through emotionally and be strong herself.
3.
Small typo at the end of the last sentence of the first scene-- should be a period at the end.
Part Two
4.
Politics were simultaneously evil and enough to satisfy their funny bones...
That is the perfect way to put that, oh my gosh XDD
One small nitpick here too lol. Politics is a mass noun, so it'd get a singular verb, was :p
5.
“What my other half means to say is that Matt may not be the best choice and that he really didn’t mean it. But, if you three think his joke has any grain of hope, he would appreciate it.“
I wasn't quite sure at first who said this. After going a little further, I could piece together that it's Emma, but on the first read that's unclear.
6.
“What my other half means to say is that Matt may not be the best choice and that he really didn’t mean it. But, if you three think his joke has any grain of hope, he would appreciate it.“
Esa smiled. “If I ever make a presidential run, I know who I want my press secretary to be.”
“Thank you,” Emma said, quite happy with the Senator’s praise.
Nice touch of humor XD
Also shows Emma's character is a stronger way than usual I think.
7.
“Ginger, Hayes, and McCloy. One week’s wages.”
Esa replied, “Ginger, Hayes, and Francis DuBois. One month’s wages.”
Austin said, “Two months wages on Percy Evans, Francis DuBois, and…”
Oh dear, that escalated quickly XD
I like the bit of a "cliffhanger" ending here though with Austin keeping his VP guess a secret. It adds a nice little touch of lighthearted mystery.
Once again, a nice chapter! You've got some heart, a little bit of humor, also moving forward the main political plot-- it's a good balance.
I'm catching up! You're just one chapter ahead of me now XD
-Stringbean
Points: 899
Reviews: 37
Donate