AHHHHHHH I AM BACK. super sorry if I repeat anything from your previous reviewer Dx I just skimmed lightly through their review cx
A gull cried out as the hot, steamy sun glared down upon Coryn's back. The soft sound of ocean waves quietly repeated themselves, the cool water nipping at his toes through his shoes. His eyes were blinded for a moment by the rays of light shining down upon the white sands.
Ahh, I love your opening! Already established a setting and the weather, too! And we got some pretty imagery ~
"Stay where you are," the voice said sternly.
I think replacing "said sternly" with just one verb that encompasses that same thought would be more concise and more impactful! ^_^
Years had been lost on her-- her wrinkles seemed to be ironed out, her hair was in a tight bun and dusty gray rather than white, and she held her head proudly in the air.
Ooh, so here you are describing the changes in her. "she held her head proudly in the air" -> if this is a change also, does that mean she doesn't necessarily hold her head high anymore (or the moments before her death? xD) I think that's a neat, tiny detail in showing how with time, she lost a bit of her power and grew weaker. Interesting!
The scent of raspberries drifted through the air, carried by a light breeze that drifted through the humid air.
A bit of repetition there you can probably take out!
"Then that means I'm dead, too!" Coryn panicked, breath quickening.
AHHH Coryn is such a realistic and relatable character , I love his reaction xD
"...what's a Florida?" Coryn asked quietly.
I would also like to know 0.0
HAHA I knew this was coming because I saw it in the pad, but it still cracked me up xD I like how we are getting to see the frantic, panicked side of Coryn, despite him being a genius and a top student. It shows the human side of each person, and that not everyone is so flat.
Knowledge? Coryn's eyes brightened, a small smile spreading over his face. "I'll do it."
WOW he agrees to that super quickly!! I'm surprised thoughts of his family didn't come to him first - I guess he cares for knowledge more xD (I don't know if this was the impression you intended to have - if you want him to care for his fam more, you could revisit this! but if this was what you intended, then this is a really neat characterization spot! c:)
"...okay. Er. Well," she chuckled nervously, "I must admit you've taken me by surprise. Uh... Ah, yes.
I love how every Sinestra is surprised - this shows that Coryn really did give a super quick answer cx
The air was freezing and the musky scent of sweat and deer.
an unfinished sentence? xD
"You don't look very fine," the man replied gruffly. Moonlight shone down on his face and mud caked his coal-colored boots. He was a giant, standing at least six and a half feet tall with broad shoulder. His blue eyes flickered like blue flames, curiously looking Coryn over like an animal he was hunting.
"Williams," the teen said, answering the man's other question. "Coryn Williams."
it would be helpful to show that bit of dialogue where Coryn gets his name asked! otherwise it seems to com out of nowhere cx
"It's nice to meet you Coryn," the woman's voice said again. Turning to the left of the man was a much shorter woman with pale hair and leaf green eyes. "My name is Luna Nightshade; this is my husband, Alistair."
wait so was it the woman who asked him his name or another man? xD because before you said "answering the man's other question" and here a woman responded. maybe I'm just being dumb aha cx
"My name is Luna Nightshade; this is my husband, Alistair."
AHH AND THE CROSSOVER !!!!!
We're going to Jackson," Luna said. "It's not too far from Jackson. Why don't you come with us?"
AHH AND THE JOURNEY IS OFFICIALLY BEGINNING!
Okay since his journey is beginning and he's not going to go home for a long time, I would establish more exposition before he goes on this journey. I don't really know anything about his family, and the reader is only going to get one chance to really meet his family - in the beginning, before he gets teleported to Florida. I would also love to know a little more about Coryn! I know about his academic life, but what's he like outside of academics? I know he's adventurous, maybe even stubborn and a bit care-free. Does he have any friends? What's he like to his friends? What other things does he like to do besides gaining knowledge? These might be some fun questions to explore before his adventure begins
I LOVE CORYN. he reminds me of one of those people who are incredibly smart but are also "stupid" at the same time xD in no way am I calling him stupid, I don't really like to call people stupid - he just seems like a silly kid, and I'm loving his personality cx We learned a lot about him from this chapter, even though it was shorter than the last one, which just goes to show how well you wrote this! ^_^ and I am LOVING the descriptions you've been included!!! this novel is much more colourful, and I really appreciate and enjoy that <3
Can't wait for the next one! good luck in all of you writing <3
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