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Young Writers Society



The Sorcerer's Secret, Chapter 2

by Riverlight


A Beach

Time Unknown

A gull cried out as the hot, steamy sun glared down upon Coryn's back. The soft sound of ocean waves quietly repeated themselves, the cool water nipping at his toes through his shoes. His eyes were blinded for a moment by the rays of light shining down upon the white sands. As he pushed himself off the ground, he noticed a shape in the distance, garbed in black. As it came closer, Coryn could see it was a woman.

"Stay where you are," the voice said sternly. It was familiar, but he could not place it. He knew her, he was sure of that much... But then he realized it was Sinestra, but younger. Years had been lost on her-- her wrinkles seemed to be ironed out, her hair was in a tight bun and dusty gray rather than white, and she held her head proudly in the air.

Sinestra? But how?! he thought, eyes widening. He ran a hand through his hair as if that'd make things become clearer-- but it didn't. She'd turned to dust and collapsed into the sea-- he'd seen it, the Wintermere lady had seen it, she couldn't be alive.

As she came within a few meters of him, he stared at her in wonder. The scent of raspberries drifted through the air, carried by a light breeze that drifted through the humid air. The woman still looked old, but she looked young, too, almost ageless. Her cane was gone, and the sword from her study now hung in a sheath at her waist.

"It's me," she said firmly, voice full of sympathy. Compassion flooded her eyes like a dam that had burst, and she offered him a gentle smile.

"I saw you die," he said quickly, unable to stop himself. "You died."

"Yes," she agreed, "I did die--"

"Then that means I'm dead, too!" Coryn panicked, breath quickening.

"No!" Sinestra snapped. "Don't be so ridiculous! You are not dead; I am. You are merely visiting me in the next life before moving on to Florida."

"...what's a Florida?" Coryn asked quietly.

Sinestra sighed. "I should've have covered a limited amount of American history and geography in my classes... Florida is a state in the United States of America-- or, rather, what's left of it at least. What Deserae did to you was an accident; she did not mean to send you anywhere, and even now she's worrying about how to get you back. I can send you back, if you wish, but I have a task for you."

Coryn looked at her for a moment, trying to read her face. "May I know what it is before I make a decision?" he asked.

The woman shook her head. "You would not accept it if you knew what it was; I have seen that path and studied it. If you are to take my place as a protector of the multiverses, you must take this task blindly-- in doing so, you will be prepared for this happening again in the future." She paused for a moment, deep in thought, eyebrows coming together as she chose her next words. "I will warn you that you will not see your family for some time. There is also every chance that you will not survive. This is dangerous work, but you will learn much; above all, you have desired knowledge these many years. Perhaps you will find that and more."

Knowledge? Coryn's eyes brightened, a small smile spreading over his face. "I'll do it."

Sinestra blinked. "...are you sure?" she asked skeptically.

"Yep," he replied.

"...okay. Er. Well," she chuckled nervously, "I must admit you've taken me by surprise. Uh... Ah, yes. Your task..." She reached into her robes and retrieved a gun. "This is a simple 10 milometer pistol with an increased ammo capacity. You'll need it, but I recommend you ask questions before you start shooting. You'll end up in Florida; I recommend if anyone asks for a backstory, you say you're from Orlando and have been traveling around since the bombs dropped. Questions so far?"

"Just one," Coryn said. "Will I be allowed to use magic?"

Sinestra tilted her head to the side. "Yes... but I believe you should use it reluctantly. If anyone sees you use it that can't be trusted..."

"Understood. So, what am I doing in this place called... Florida, was it?"

"You're going to find a way to head north into a city called Memphis. There, you'll meet two girls and start a journey west. What you do from there is your decision-- just fix it. Understood?"

Before he could reply, the woman snapped her fingers, and all went dark once more.

----------

I-95, Florida

September 22, 2020

He wasn't sure where he was, why he was moving, or why there was a bear-like man standing holding him, but Coryn did know that part of him wanted to murder Sinestra for flinging him off to God knows where. What had she called it? Florida? The air was freezing and the musky scent of sweat and deer. Cold blanketed Coryn like snow would blanket a city.

"Alistair, he's awake." A woman-- he couldn't see where-- had spoken. Her voice was soft and smooth, as if silk and honey had combined to create a sweet voice.

The man looked down at Coryn with narrowed, beady eyes. "I see. What's your name, kid? Can you walk?"

"I, uh... I c-can, sir," he coughed. "Er, would you m-mind p-putting me d-down?" The man leaned over a little bit so Coryn could stand on his own two legs, almost falling immediately. He caught himself on a tree, leaning against it for a moment "I-I'm fine."

"You don't look very fine," the man replied gruffly. Moonlight shone down on his face and mud caked his coal-colored boots. He was a giant, standing at least six and a half feet tall with broad shoulder. His blue eyes flickered like blue flames, curiously looking Coryn over like an animal he was hunting.

"Williams," the teen said, answering the man's other question. "Coryn Williams."

"It's nice to meet you Coryn," the woman's voice said again. Turning to the left of the man was a much shorter woman with pale hair and leaf green eyes. "My name is Luna Nightshade; this is my husband, Alistair."

"Pl-pleased to m-meet you," the teen shivered. Were these two people friends or foes? He wasn't sure... yet. "C-can you t-tell me which way is Memphis is?"

"We're going to Jackson," Luna said. "It's not too far from Jackson. Why don't you come with us?"


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Sat Feb 27, 2021 6:06 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



AHHHHHHH I AM BACK. super sorry if I repeat anything from your previous reviewer Dx I just skimmed lightly through their review cx

A gull cried out as the hot, steamy sun glared down upon Coryn's back. The soft sound of ocean waves quietly repeated themselves, the cool water nipping at his toes through his shoes. His eyes were blinded for a moment by the rays of light shining down upon the white sands.


Ahh, I love your opening! Already established a setting and the weather, too! And we got some pretty imagery ~

"Stay where you are," the voice said sternly.


I think replacing "said sternly" with just one verb that encompasses that same thought would be more concise and more impactful! ^_^

Years had been lost on her-- her wrinkles seemed to be ironed out, her hair was in a tight bun and dusty gray rather than white, and she held her head proudly in the air.


Ooh, so here you are describing the changes in her. "she held her head proudly in the air" -> if this is a change also, does that mean she doesn't necessarily hold her head high anymore (or the moments before her death? xD) I think that's a neat, tiny detail in showing how with time, she lost a bit of her power and grew weaker. Interesting!

The scent of raspberries drifted through the air, carried by a light breeze that drifted through the humid air.


A bit of repetition there you can probably take out!

"Then that means I'm dead, too!" Coryn panicked, breath quickening.


AHHH Coryn is such a realistic and relatable character , I love his reaction xD

"...what's a Florida?" Coryn asked quietly.


I would also like to know 0.0
HAHA I knew this was coming because I saw it in the pad, but it still cracked me up xD I like how we are getting to see the frantic, panicked side of Coryn, despite him being a genius and a top student. It shows the human side of each person, and that not everyone is so flat.

Knowledge? Coryn's eyes brightened, a small smile spreading over his face. "I'll do it."


WOW he agrees to that super quickly!! I'm surprised thoughts of his family didn't come to him first - I guess he cares for knowledge more xD (I don't know if this was the impression you intended to have - if you want him to care for his fam more, you could revisit this! but if this was what you intended, then this is a really neat characterization spot! c:)

"...okay. Er. Well," she chuckled nervously, "I must admit you've taken me by surprise. Uh... Ah, yes.


I love how every Sinestra is surprised - this shows that Coryn really did give a super quick answer cx

The air was freezing and the musky scent of sweat and deer.


an unfinished sentence? xD

"You don't look very fine," the man replied gruffly. Moonlight shone down on his face and mud caked his coal-colored boots. He was a giant, standing at least six and a half feet tall with broad shoulder. His blue eyes flickered like blue flames, curiously looking Coryn over like an animal he was hunting.

"Williams," the teen said, answering the man's other question. "Coryn Williams."


it would be helpful to show that bit of dialogue where Coryn gets his name asked! otherwise it seems to com out of nowhere cx

"It's nice to meet you Coryn," the woman's voice said again. Turning to the left of the man was a much shorter woman with pale hair and leaf green eyes. "My name is Luna Nightshade; this is my husband, Alistair."


wait so was it the woman who asked him his name or another man? xD because before you said "answering the man's other question" and here a woman responded. maybe I'm just being dumb aha cx

"My name is Luna Nightshade; this is my husband, Alistair."


AHH AND THE CROSSOVER !!!!!

We're going to Jackson," Luna said. "It's not too far from Jackson. Why don't you come with us?"


AHH AND THE JOURNEY IS OFFICIALLY BEGINNING!

Okay since his journey is beginning and he's not going to go home for a long time, I would establish more exposition before he goes on this journey. I don't really know anything about his family, and the reader is only going to get one chance to really meet his family - in the beginning, before he gets teleported to Florida. I would also love to know a little more about Coryn! I know about his academic life, but what's he like outside of academics? I know he's adventurous, maybe even stubborn and a bit care-free. Does he have any friends? What's he like to his friends? What other things does he like to do besides gaining knowledge? These might be some fun questions to explore before his adventure begins :)

I LOVE CORYN. he reminds me of one of those people who are incredibly smart but are also "stupid" at the same time xD in no way am I calling him stupid, I don't really like to call people stupid - he just seems like a silly kid, and I'm loving his personality cx We learned a lot about him from this chapter, even though it was shorter than the last one, which just goes to show how well you wrote this! ^_^ and I am LOVING the descriptions you've been included!!! this novel is much more colourful, and I really appreciate and enjoy that <3

Can't wait for the next one! good luck in all of you writing <3




Riverlight says...


AHHH YAY YOU LIKED THIS TOO XD

Yes, couple fragments and minor errors I overlooked XD I'll be more careful in Ch. 3 when I get to that. For right now, though, may I tide you over with a new Grandpa McHale chapter? Coryn's in that one two, and it shows how he Nightshades see Coryn-- kinda the "stranger comes into town and surprises everyone cliche" but also very different. I'l be writing that chapter from Coryn's perspective, too, so you'll more or less read it either way XD

<3333 THANKS FOR THE REVIEW



starlitmind says...


OMG YES I'D LOVE TO READ LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU PUT OUT XD <3

OF COURSE <333333



Riverlight says...


I think Grandpa will surprise you XD America Fighting - Six



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AceassinOfTheMoon wrote a review...



hlaskdjflkdsjfldksjf TWO reviews in the same night??? look at me go

Hi!! I'm here!! I love this!!!!!!

Starting off strong with giving us a date and place for this!
Not to nitpick, but, uh. You repeat your first two paragraphs twice XD Might wanna fix that.
Also:

As he pushed himself off the ground, he noticed a shape in the distance, garbed in black. As it came closer, Coryn could see it was garbed in black.

... garbed in black. Ya mentioned that already, Coryn, sweetie.

I love the vivid starting description, though. Ocean and sun and GOSH HECKING SEAGULLS~ ahem anyway
I love!!! Very nice, makes me feel like I'm at the ocean! Ew cold water lapping at his toes ;-;

Sinestra? But how?! he thought, eyes widening. He ran a hand through his hair as if that'd make things become clearer-- but it didn't. She'd turned to dust and collapsed into the sea-- he'd seen it, the Wintermere lady had seen it, she couldn't be alive.

Yeah Sinestra. Pick a side. Dead or alive, you can't have both. XD

As she came within a few meters of him, he stared at her in wonder. The scent of raspberries drifted through the air, carried by a light breeze that drifted through the humid air. The woman still looked old, but she looked young, too, almost ageless. Her can was gone, and the sword from her study now hung in a sheathe at her waist.

Hhhhhh now I crave raspberries ;-;
A few things to point out here:
You're missing an "e" at the end of "cane" there, unless of course Sinestra is actually missing a can. Maybe she has a special can that she keeps with her at all times. I won't judge.
"Sheathe" is a verb, the action of sheathing something. You'll wanna use "sheath" there. I feel so awkward pointing that out WHY

Coryn proceeds to freak out over seeing Sinestra again, as you do when the mentor you literally just watched dissolve into silver dust in the ocean suddenly appears in front of you.

I love how Sinestra goes from "hey, it's my favourite student, look I'm here it's me!!!" to "oh my god you IDIOT" in like thirty seconds flat

"...what's a Florida?" Coryn asked quietly.

Honestly same though, what even is Florida

Sinestra sighed. "I should've have covered a limited amount of American history and geography in my classes... Florida is a state in the United States of America-- or, rather, what's left of it at least. What Deserae did to you was an accident; she did not mean to send you anywhere, and even now she's worrying about how to get you back. i can send you back, if you wish, but I have a task for you."

I love this. Deserae accidentally sent a child to another dimension, as you do, and immediately realized she messed up and went "oh FRICK" are we gonna see more of her later? maybe as she tries to hunt down Coryn and get him back? :o

Coryn looked at her for a moment, trying to read her face. "May I know what it is before I make a decision?" he asked.

The woman shook her head. "You would not accept it if you knew what it was; I have seen that path and studied it. If you are to take my place as a protector of the multiverses, you must take this task blindly-- in doing so, you will be prepared for this happening again in the future." She paused for a moment, deep in thought, eyebrows coming together as she chose her next words. "I will warn you that you will not see your family for some time. There is also every chance that you will not survive. This is dangerous work, but you will learn much; above all, you have desired knowledge these many years. Perhaps you will find that and more."

your mission, should you choose to accept it~
Cryptic messages, I love~

Knowledge? Coryn's eyes brightened, a small smile spreading over his face. "I'll do it."

Sinestra blinked. "...are you sure?" she asked sceptically.

OH MY GOD XD
"I get to LEARN THINGS?? Sign me up!!!"
"... you did hear the part about you might not survive, right?"
also it's spelled skeptically :P]

"...okay. Er. Well," she chuckled nervously, "I must admit you've taken me by surprise. Uh... Ah, yes. Your task..." She reached into her robes and retrieved a gun. "This is a simple 10 millimeter pistol with an increased ammo capacity. You'll need it, but I recommend you ask questions before you start shooting. You'll end up in Florida; I recommend if anyone asks for a backstory, you say you're from Orlando and have been traveling around since the bombs dropped. Questions so far?"

Sinestra?? Taken by surprise??? What's next, flying pigs???

A few last minute instructions and Coryn is off!


He wasn't sure where he was, why he was moving, or why there was a bear-like man standing holding him, but Coryn did know that part of him wanted to murder Sinestra for flinging him off to God knows where. What had she called it? Florida? The air was freezing and the musky scent of sweat and deer. Cold blanketed Coryn like snow would blanket a city.

... you sure he didn't get yeeted into Canada instead of Florida? XD
Also he... knew this was happening? He knew Sinestra was going to be sending him off to Florida? Why... is he shocked? XD I think I'm missing something here.

Her voice was soft and smooth, as if silk and honey had combined to create sweet voice.

hafblkjf I feel so bad every time I bring stuff like this up but. Do you mean "to create a sweet voice?" XD

He caught himself on a tree, leaning against it for a moment "I'm-I'm fine"

You're missing a bit of punctuation here :P
I like this though. He's like "oh yeah I can definitely walk" and then immediately falls into a tree and goes "I'm fine." This kid, I swear. He's hilarious.

"You don't look very fine," the man replied gruffly. Moonlight shone down on his face and mud caked his coal-colored boots. He was a giant, standing at least six and a half feet tall with broad shoulder. His blue eyes flickered like blue flames, curiously looking Coryn over like an animal he was hunting.

Dry, sarcastic observations like this get me every time. "You don't look very fine." Yeah, no kidding XD
I like the metaphor/simile don't judge me but I can never remember the difference between the two ;-; of "like an animal he was hunting." It makes Alistair immediately come off as predatory, rude, unfriendly, and probably about to kill Coryn and eat him. "Like an animal he was hunting" makes me dislike Alistair, a little wary of him, and slightly concerned for poor Coryn, the object of his attention.

And wrapping it up, Coryn starts off on his adventure by heading to Jackson!

I hope this was helpful!

Have a nice [insert time of day]! <3




Riverlight says...


I immediately fixed those paragraph issues and corrected the time stamps, I put it on the wrong chapter ToT

You know Sinestra takes what she wants XD

ack my grammar skills were not with me last night ToT



Riverlight says...


Also, I was thinking Coryn would be kinda disoriented-- he's not used to inter-planetary travel yet, let alone inter-dimensional!





... y'know, that makes sense XD




History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx