z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

America Gone - Chapter Two (Revised)

by Riverlight


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

November 1, 2019

Salt Water Springs, Tennessee

Grandpa McHale owned a small farm at the edge of Salt Water Springs. The house was a sizable two-story with white-washed outer walls and autumn-dappled shingles. Several square windows decked the front, surrounding a protruding bay over the front porch made of dark spruce wood. A cobblestone path trailed up to it, finding its way between patches of feather reed grass that grew up throughout the yard. Several more houses were scattered about, a few larger ones visible in the distance across the empty golden field-- mini ranches belonging to a few more well-to-do families.

A faint, sweet smell drifted in from a few small apple trees and a blackberry bush. A pile of wood was stacked against the side of the house, an axe sitting in a tree stump a dozen yards away. In the fenced-in sideyard, the tawny bull was grazing while the cow fed its calf. Nearby, a few chickens clucked about, keeping near to the safety of the hen house.

Birds were singing in the afternoon sun. Back along the woodpile, a black mouse scurried along with a stolen blackberry between its teeth. The yard was fairly neat, an ancient and scarred weeping willow sadly swaying in the gentle wind. Already, the grass was yellowing, though the autumn air had not yet come, and almost everything was quiet. Patches of flowers scattered the yard, and several rusty springs stood beside the porch steps. Alistair, Luna and Abby sat on the creaking bench that hung from the rafters of the porch roof; Grandpa McHale, Austin, and Emma each sat in a rocking chair, wondering what was to become of this new beginning.

“Alright,” the old man said quietly. “First things first, it's nice to see y'all. I know that the north had it way worse than we did. There's a few nations that've popped up, but I didn't know if Boston made it and joined them..." *cookie*

"Boston wasn't hit," Luna said, "but we saw the clouds in Albany and New York. They looked so... so evil."

Grandpa McHale sighed and stoodbefore he went inside and came back out with a map. It was labelled with the various nation-states that had arisen in the south, plus the Coastal States. Nashville, amongst other cities, had been marked out-- they were gone. Jackson and a few others were underlined. Austin recognized Charleston, and he remembered how they passed through there rather quickly on their way down. He pushed away the memory-- he and Emma had hated it there.

“Tennessee is best off,” the old man said, absolutism seeping into his voice. “Jackson is the federal capital, Memphis is the state capitol. We’ve got electricity, purified water, semi-normal food, that sort of thing. Lord knows how, but the old TVA stuff is still working, mostly. Volunteers from all over are working on everything they can. I never thought I’d say it, but thank God for FDR…”

He trailed off for a moment and continued again.

“To the immediate south, we’ve got that Redneck Republic. It’s most of Alabama, part of Mississippi, and just a little bit of Georgia and Florida. Bombingham-- Birmingham is their capital."

"Wasn't it called Bombingham in the sixties?" Luna asked.

Her father nodded. "Completely different reasons, but yeah."

"Continue, Daddy."

The old man nodded, taking in another puff of smoke from his cigarette. "About half of Texas, all of Louisiana, most of Mississippi, and a little bit of Arkansas make up the Independent Republic. Beaumont’s their capital… Part of Kentucky’s reorganized, they’re based in Prestonsburg.”

Austin nodded.”West Virginia and Virginia have chosen Charleston as their capital."

"How was it?" his grandfather asked.

Emma groaned. Abby said, "These two pushovers didn't like it. They said it was too militaristic."

"Anyways," Luna said again, "that leaves the Coastal States and the fascists, right? What's up with them?"

“Down here, the Coastal States have most of Florida, parts of Georgia, and pieces of the Carolinas. The FSA…”

Grandpa McHale sighed and took another deep breath of smoke.

“Most everything west of the river, plus half of Illinois, belongs to the Fascist States of America. There's a new Hitler over there, or my name's not William Brennan McHale,"

“Who?” Luna asked.

“No one knows,” her father admitted. “We think it was someone higher up in the government-- probably a Cabinet member-- not sure who it is for sure, though. I think it was the Secretary of State, William Jaspers. Never trust a Dixiecrat.”

“Daddy, no politics,” Luna said.

“Can’t help it,” he said. “When Governor Tristan was killed, Lieutenant Governor Evans took command. He appointed me Senator.”

“He… he what?” Luna asked, perturbed.

“Appointed me Senator,” her father repeated. “Senior Senator, to be exact. State Rep Amanda McCloy from Jackson was made our other Senator. I’ll be leaving to go back to Jackson in a few days. Monday, to be exact. And today’s Friday, so I’ve got some packing to do.”

“But--” Luna stopped. “Then Smith has really claimed the presidency?”

Grandpa McHale nodded. “And he was re-elected under the recently passed Presidential Act of 2019, in which the remnants of the legislature agreed, unanimously, with Congress to make him POTUS until 2024.”

Luna sighed. “Let me guess… an amendment was passed, because Tennessee is more or less the only state in the Union?”

He nodded again. “Yep. And when stuff goes back to normal, the states are gonna look a lot different. In the east, at least. I reckon some’ll join up with Canada before all’s said and done.”

Emma looked between her mother and grandfather. “...Would someone please explain what you both just said?”

“Grandpa works for the new president,” Austin said slowly, trying to make sure he had followed them correctly. "The new governor made him a Senator with McCloy. The state capital's Memphis, which is where the legislature and stuff will work. The DC remnants are going to Jackson. Does that make more sense?"

"Kinda... but he mentioned Canada--?" Emma began, but trailed off.

"He thinks a few of the northern states might join up with them."

“Yeah, that’s about it,” their grandpa confirmed. “You catch on quick.”

Austin smiled. “Thanks.”

“Well,” Alistair said after a moment or two of silence, “we’ve come this far. Might as well go to Jackson.”

“Fine,” Grandpa McHale said, “but don’t blame me if I shoot you instead of dinner.”

“Daddy,” Luna warned. “Stop it.”

“Fine,” he grumbled before quietly adding, “for now.” There was a pause, and then, more loudly-- “We’ll leave together on Monday. The McKinnons will take care of Daisy, Rodney, and little Bella while I’m gone. We’ll take the horses from the Petersons.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Emma said, standing. "But until then, I just want to go inside and eat lunch."

Grandpa McHale chuckled mischeivously. "That sounds like a better plan. Let's go!"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
137 Reviews


Points: 21503
Reviews: 137

Donate
Fri Mar 26, 2021 8:16 am
View Likes
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Hey there <33

I didn't read the old version of this chapter so I don't really know how bad it previously was, but this chapter, revised, is really good !


So here's a little recollection of things that bugged me:


“Alright,” the old man said quietly. “First things first, it's nice to see y'all. I know that the north had it way worse than we did. There's a few nations that've popped up, but I didn't know if Boston made it and joined them..." *cookie*


cookie? Wut?


Grandpa McHale owned a small farm at the edge of Salt Water Springs. The house was a sizable two-story with white-washed outer walls and autumn-dappled shingles. Several square windows decked the front, surrounding a protruding bay over the front porch made of dark spruce wood. A cobblestone path trailed up to it, finding its way between patches of feather reed grass that grew up throughout the yard.

This little description here was pretty hard to read as it kinda drags. As the characters are walking towards the house, maybe you could've described how they felt the cobblestone beneath their feet, or how they could smell the scent of reed grass. You know, use the five senses. I feel like it could've made the description a whole lot more interesting and captivating for the reader.

Maybe adding sibilance and fricatives, which if you don't know what they are, sibilance is basically the repetition of sounds like "s" or "sh" "ch" and fricatives are the repetition of sounds like "f."
They help make descriptions feel more flowing when read, and just more pleasant. It sounds useless, but read the first page of Of Mice and Men, which is essentially description filled with fricatives and sibilance and other techniques- read it and tell me you didn't just skim through it but read the whole thing. Or read it aloud, and you'll see how pleasant it is to read.

I didn't except to write this much about a short description xD but really, if you're looking to perfect your writing skills, use the five senses and sibilance and fricatives ^^

a black mouse scurryed along

"scurried"

Her father nodded. "Completely different reasons, but yeah."

"Continue, Daddy."


I might see double meanings everywhere, but this bit is just hilarious to me xD
I feel like Dad or Father would be more accurate, as Daddy is usually used in umm.. yeaaaaah

Emma looked between her mother and grandfather. “...Would someone please explain what you both just said?”

Ahh the dumb character to explain to the audience what no one understood, wink wink




I'm kinda confused about what the plot is. This is obviously a chapter with an expository purpose, since there's a LOT of world building to unpack here, but I can't really put my finger on what the main plot is. At first it was to get to their grandpa. Done. So what'll they do now? I don't really get what their motivations are, or what they're going up against. Going to Jackson? Sure. But why. Is it to install a new government? Is it because there's something they need there? Who knows.

This is a year later no ?
I think it was. The prologue was around 2018 and this is near end of 2019 (right before 2020.. how accurate lol)
So why are they asking all these questions? I know communication was probably cut, but internet couldn't have been destroyed everywhere. Nukes don't just cause massive blackouts, and you yourself said some internet or a communication type of thing was still up. So the whole part of the grandpa explaining was pretty useless. The characters could've just immediately started with how they need to get to Jackson, and for us, readers, you could've explained the falling of all these cities by showing it to us.
Since they're gonna be traveling, they'll probably pass a few cities, right? So instead of explaining how so-so was destroyed and so-so became this or that, just show it along their voyage.


-


But most of what I have to talk about is when it comes to exposition, because literally everything else is soooo good !!
Your characters have clear distinct personalities and I love how they interact with each other <333
The tone is right, the style if fitting and you have a fancy style of writing too :D
Truly, the only thing you could work on is giving out exposition and maybe hone your descriptive writing skills




Riverlight says...


hehehe *cookie*...
@MaybeAndrew slipped that in on a WFP ages ago and I keep forgetting to take it out xD

Southerners tend to say Daddy for some reason xD

The prologue took place Election day 2016; it's currently the fall of 2019, so almost 2020. I had to unpack a lot of exposition before I could unpack the plot >.>

Thanks for the review!!





true true. I had no idea Southerners said that lol, that's hilarious xD

I'll try and review all the chapters after this one but I'm kinda lazy ^^



MaybeAndrew says...


Muahaha, I wonder how many works I've messed up by slipping cookies into them...



User avatar
465 Reviews


Points: 29825
Reviews: 465

Donate
Thu Feb 25, 2021 4:40 pm
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



HEY FRIEND! <3

Ahh, love your opening paragraph, so descriptive!! You've established the setting super well, and you introduced the house in an elaborate way; it wasn't straight up facts, but instead it was written "fancily" xD I love it! <3

Nearby, a few chickens clucked about, keeping near to the safety of the hen house.


CHICKENS.

Omg and your third paragraph feels like poetry. This was a really lovely opening, Kendall, and it gives such a light and airy feel to this chapter. Hopefully things will stay like that and not go downhill :O

“Alright,” the old man said quietly. “First things first, it's nice to see y'all. I know that the north had it way worse than we did. There's a few nations that've popped up, but I didn't know if Boston made it and joined them..." *cookie*


I love how McHale's personality is shining in this quote xD He always seems to be straightforward and get right down to business. Like here, it's like he needs to get to business since his reunion was pretty short and simple, if you know what I mean xD so I thought that was funny and like him! :p (also, cookie? >.>)

“No one knows,” her father admitted. “We think it was someone higher up in the government-- probably a Cabinet member-- not sure who it is for sure, though. I think it was the Secretary of State, William Jaspers. Never trust a Dixiecrat.”


Omg here again his personality is shining through xD Ah, it's going to be super fun to see how they figure out who was behind the attacks 0.0

"He thinks a few of the northern states might join up with them."


Canada sounds nice ~

“Yeah, that’s about it,” their grandpa confirmed. “You catch on quick.”

Austin smiled. “Thanks.”


AWW WE'VE A POLITICIAN IN THE MAKING :p

“Fine,” Grandpa McHale said, “but don’t blame me if I shoot you instead of dinner.”


OH MY GOSH LOL this caught me off guard!! McHale does not hold back xD he's stubborn and has a strong character, and I'm loving how you're characterized him in this chapter!! I know that I have a feel for him since I've read the original version of this, but if this was the first time I was meeting McHale, I would know him really well from this!!! :)

“Sounds like a plan,” Emma said, standing. "But until then, I just want to go inside and eat lunch."


Yay! Hopefully they'll get to relax for a few moments and catch up <3

Okay, so I think this is my favourite chapter of yours (technical wise) because you

- gave some super awesome descriptions. The beginning felt like the calm before the storm xD I love all of the tiny details and the atmosphere you created. I got a sense of peace, got a sense of where we are, and even the time (season).

- characterization. McHale is a super strong and identifiable character. Just from his quotes, I can tell who is talking without the tag xD he's also really consistent! every moment of his and every quote of his aligns with his character super well.

I also love how in your chapters, you do include a bit of humour! it lightens up the mood, especially since you're talking about a heavier/scary subject, so I super appreciate and love that c:

Good luck in your future writings, hope you're well <33




Riverlight says...


Sorry, I thought I'd removed the cookie XD Andrew placed it there in one of his pads :P

McHale brightens up nearly every subject, regardless of what's going on XD



User avatar
48 Reviews


Points: 492
Reviews: 48

Donate
Sun Nov 15, 2020 4:41 am
View Likes
Lionhero333 wrote a review...



I new to this so I dont know how good or bad the first draft was compared to this newly revised piece of work, here we go.

From my first read through it seemed pretty good.

Some parts were more fleshed out than other
The beginning piece was very well done I must say.
👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

"Grandpa McHale owned a small farm at the edge of Salt Water Springs. The house was a sizable two-story with white-washed outer walls and autumn-dappled shingles. Several square windows decked the front, surrounding a protruding bay over the front porch made of dark spruce wood. A cobblestone path trailed up to it, finding its way between patches of feather reed grass that grew up throughout the yard. Several more houses were scattered about, a few larger ones visible in the distance across the empty golden field-- mini ranches belonging to a few more well-to-do families.

A faint, sweet smell drifted in from a few small apple trees and a blackberry bush. A pile of wood was stacked against the side of the house, an axe sitting in a tree stump a dozen yards away. In the fenced-in sideyard, the tawny bull was grazing while the cow fed its calf. Nearby, a few chickens clucked about, keeping near to the safety of the hen house."

I dont really like to nitpick because at times a artist wants things to be understood that just cant always clearly be interpreted through their work. There few moments that seem like useless spots but I also felt on the second read was just your writing style.

Anyways. This was good I feel. Keep writing🤓




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review! <3



User avatar
4075 Reviews


Points: 251013
Reviews: 4075

Donate
Thu Nov 12, 2020 4:49 am
View Likes
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm baaaack....kind of...

First Impression: Well this seems like an improvement right off the bat, although I don't quite remember how it used to be all that well. Anyways, let me get down to some nitpicky things about this. :)

Anyway let's get right to it,

Grandpa McHale owned a small farm at the edge of Salt Water Springs. The house was a sizable two-story with white-washed outer walls and autumn-dappled shingles. Several square windows decked the front, surrounding a protruding bay over the front porch made of dark spruce wood. A cobblestone path trailed up to it, finding its way between patches of feather reed grass that grew up throughout the yard. Several more houses were scattered about, a few larger ones visible in the distance across the empty golden field-- mini ranches belonging to a few more well-to-do families.


Yay!! W have description now.....alright I can work with that, it was pretty decent.

A faint, sweet smell drifted in from a few small apple trees and a blackberry bush. A pile of wood was stacked against the side of the house, an axe sitting in a tree stump a dozen yards away. In the fenced-in sideyard, the tawny bull was grazing while the cow fed its calf. Nearby, a few chickens clucked about, keeping near to the safety of the hen house.


Okay, well now that sets a lovely tone there as it should. Seems a little contrasting to how the whole thing starts out with the destruction of things but I think that's what you were going for with this almost like a bit of an oasis in a land torn apart? Maybe? I dunno. That's the vibe that I am getting.

“Alright,” the old man said quietly. “First things first, it's nice to see y'all. I know that the north had it way worse than we did. There's a few nations that've popped up, but I didn't know if Boston made it and joined them..." *cookie*


Umm....err...cookie??? I mean I don't mind but umm....what is that doing there and what is it supposed to mean?

"Boston wasn't hit," Luna said, "but we saw the clouds in Albany and New York. They looked so... so evil."


I'm gonna say that's kind of a lame description...I mean...evil...as in what??? That description needs to be a lot more powerful that just "evil".

Grandpa McHale sighed and stoodbefore he went inside and came back out with a map. It was labelled with the various nation-states that had arisen in the south, plus the Coastal States. Nashville, amongst other cities, had been marked out-- they were gone. Jackson and a few others were underlined. Austin recognized Charleston, and he remembered how they passed through there rather quickly on their way down. He pushed away the memory-- he and Emma had hated it there.


UH huh...alright, that's a decent baseline for what's not blown up and what is blown up.

“Tennessee is best off,” the old man said, absolutism seeping into his voice. “Jackson is the federal capital, Memphis is the state capitol. We’ve got electricity, purified water, semi-normal food, that sort of thing. Lord knows how, but the old TVA stuff is still working, mostly. Volunteers from all over are working on everything they can. I never thought I’d say it, but thank God for FDR…”


Okay...I have to say that I don't really understand some of them acronyms, I mean its probably because I don't know much about le USA but umm...ya know...maybe throw a couple of expanded forms down in a index or something. Like I realize in the dialogue obviously no one uses the expanded forms but then having to google it isn't that great either.

"Continue, Daddy."


Umm....that line just sounds weird to me...probably because Continue sounds like a very formal thing to say but Daddy is a very informal way to say it soo...ahh...dunno it sounds off to me.

"Anyways," Luna said again, "that leaves the Coastal States and the fascists, right? What's up with them?"

“Down here, the Coastal States have most of Florida, parts of Georgia, and pieces of the Carolinas. The FSA…”


Hmm...well this info dump is a lot smoother now. Its still an info dump but not quite as crazy as it used to be at least from what I remember...xD Its been a while since I read the original.

“Most everything west of the river, plus half of Illinois, belongs to the Fascist States of America. There's a new Hitler over there, or my name's not William Brennan McHale,"


Now that gets to ya...good line there to set that whole plotline up.

“Appointed me Senator,” her father repeated. “Senior Senator, to be exact. State Rep Amanda McCloy from Jackson was made our other Senator. I’ll be leaving to go back to Jackson in a few days. Monday, to be exact. And today’s Friday, so I’ve got some packing to do.”


Well that was convenient timing. If they'd just been a few days late.

Grandpa McHale nodded. “And he was re-elected under the recently passed Presidential Act of 2019, in which the remnants of the legislature agreed, unanimously, with Congress to make him POTUS until 2024.”


Yay!! I actually now what that acronym means.

Emma looked between her mother and grandfather. “...Would someone please explain what you both just said?”

“Grandpa works for the new president,” Austin said slowly, trying to make sure he had followed them correctly. "The new governor made him a Senator with McCloy. The state capital's Memphis, which is where the legislature and stuff will work. The DC remnants are going to Jackson. Does that make more sense?"


Ahh the classic throw a dumb person in there so someone can explain it to the audience..."cough" I mean the dumb person.

“Fine,” Grandpa McHale said, “but don’t blame me if I shoot you instead of dinner.”


Oh yes...I love that line.

“Sounds like a plan,” Emma said, standing. "But until then, I just want to go inside and eat lunch."

Grandpa McHale chuckled mischeivously. "That sounds like a better plan. Let's go!"


Yes I approve of that second plan.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think its a nice improvement, a few parts definitely got a lot more fleshed out than they did last time and the conversation was relatively natural which is always a plus. :)

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Riverlight says...


... *cookie* is from where Andrew passed out cookies in his Clubhouse XD

TVA is the Tennessee Valley Authority; FDR is Franklen Roosevelt, the President that established the TVA.

Luna talks weird :P

I tried to keep most of McHale's lines the same XD

Thanks for the review! <3




You sound like you're becoming emotionally involved with the custard.
— Nikki Morgan