Hey there <33
I didn't read the old version of this chapter so I don't really know how bad it previously was, but this chapter, revised, is really good !
So here's a little recollection of things that bugged me:
“Alright,” the old man said quietly. “First things first, it's nice to see y'all. I know that the north had it way worse than we did. There's a few nations that've popped up, but I didn't know if Boston made it and joined them..." *cookie*
cookie? Wut?
Grandpa McHale owned a small farm at the edge of Salt Water Springs. The house was a sizable two-story with white-washed outer walls and autumn-dappled shingles. Several square windows decked the front, surrounding a protruding bay over the front porch made of dark spruce wood. A cobblestone path trailed up to it, finding its way between patches of feather reed grass that grew up throughout the yard.
This little description here was pretty hard to read as it kinda drags. As the characters are walking towards the house, maybe you could've described how they felt the cobblestone beneath their feet, or how they could smell the scent of reed grass. You know, use the five senses. I feel like it could've made the description a whole lot more interesting and captivating for the reader.
Maybe adding sibilance and fricatives, which if you don't know what they are, sibilance is basically the repetition of sounds like "s" or "sh" "ch" and fricatives are the repetition of sounds like "f."
They help make descriptions feel more flowing when read, and just more pleasant. It sounds useless, but read the first page of Of Mice and Men, which is essentially description filled with fricatives and sibilance and other techniques- read it and tell me you didn't just skim through it but read the whole thing. Or read it aloud, and you'll see how pleasant it is to read.
I didn't except to write this much about a short description xD but really, if you're looking to perfect your writing skills, use the five senses and sibilance and fricatives ^^
a black mouse scurryed along
"scurried"
Her father nodded. "Completely different reasons, but yeah."
"Continue, Daddy."
I might see double meanings everywhere, but this bit is just hilarious to me xD
I feel like Dad or Father would be more accurate, as Daddy is usually used in umm.. yeaaaaah
Emma looked between her mother and grandfather. “...Would someone please explain what you both just said?”
Ahh the dumb character to explain to the audience what no one understood, wink wink
I'm kinda confused about what the plot is. This is obviously a chapter with an expository purpose, since there's a LOT of world building to unpack here, but I can't really put my finger on what the main plot is. At first it was to get to their grandpa. Done. So what'll they do now? I don't really get what their motivations are, or what they're going up against. Going to Jackson? Sure. But why. Is it to install a new government? Is it because there's something they need there? Who knows.
This is a year later no ?
I think it was. The prologue was around 2018 and this is near end of 2019 (right before 2020.. how accurate lol)
So why are they asking all these questions? I know communication was probably cut, but internet couldn't have been destroyed everywhere. Nukes don't just cause massive blackouts, and you yourself said some internet or a communication type of thing was still up. So the whole part of the grandpa explaining was pretty useless. The characters could've just immediately started with how they need to get to Jackson, and for us, readers, you could've explained the falling of all these cities by showing it to us.
Since they're gonna be traveling, they'll probably pass a few cities, right? So instead of explaining how so-so was destroyed and so-so became this or that, just show it along their voyage.
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But most of what I have to talk about is when it comes to exposition, because literally everything else is soooo good !!
Your characters have clear distinct personalities and I love how they interact with each other <333
The tone is right, the style if fitting and you have a fancy style of writing too
Truly, the only thing you could work on is giving out exposition and maybe hone your descriptive writing skills
Points: 21503
Reviews: 137
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