When the Wind Blows 1.2

Hi VictoriaBarton,

Mailice here with a short review!

Back in your story, I found it very positive how after the first part the world you created opens up here and the reader gets some valuable information right away. I think it's a good continuation from the last part and answers some important questions that arose in the first.

The chapter in general was great writing and I really like how the witch introduces herself and how she is hasty and has the urge to find out more about Kaylee. I also like that as a reader you don't get to know much yet about her motivations, why she did exactly what and what she wants to do, which gives Radomira a certain shell where you can't see through yet. For example, what does she want to do with Kaylee?

I also like the way you present your world here, and by means of the short descriptions you as a reader get an insight into some places. Even without knowing what exactly it is, but just by the name, you can imagine some things and it shows me that you have thought of some things to build the world this way.

I also liked the way you portrayed Kaylee in this chapter. First of all, the many inner thoughts she has and the feelings and the way she reacts make her vivid and convincing, and also the short train of thought towards the end of the story I found fitting and well chosen. I think in general, you managed to portray not only Kaylee but also Radomira reasonably well. Kaylee through her inner world and Radomira through her comments and the descriptions you insert after a dialogue. This already gives the reader enough insight into what kind of person she is to make an assumption.

Other points that struck me while reading:

Every bone in her body, every fibre of her being, ached.

You create a good beginning here, making your first paragraph a great summary for readers who have already read the first part. I don't really have anything to criticise here, just a hint where I think it would fit well in this particular sentence I'm quoting. You're doing a repetition of the structure here, which increases the intensity, but with a repetition, it's also good to add a third one, like "every muscle in her body" or "every synapse in her brain". The latter would probably be better, because then you also manage to create a great alliteration with "body - being - brain".

I really like how you describe her feelings in the second paragraph, and create a metaphor for her memories by describing it as an ocean. I like that a lot.

She slowly opened her eyes and found herself staring into the eyes of the woman.

I would rewrite the second "eyes" here to perhaps the colour of the woman's eyes or something similar, as this repetition makes the sentence seem a little choppy.

"What did you do with my mother!"

Because of the questioning, there should be a question mark at the end, not an exclamation mark.

"Ahh, a much better place to talk. No?"

Here I'm not so sure it's right, but I would put the "No" in the sentence, using a comma. It seems so sluggish when the woman pauses between "better place to talk. - No?"

Okay, sound fair?"

I think this is where an "s" comes after the "sound"(?) I'm always a bit unsure when it comes to little things like that.

"Who I am is a long story, but I'll start with the basics. My name is Radomira Rosalia Maryamau. I was born in the Southern Realm along with your mother. Our mother was a Red Witch. I wanted to follow in her footsteps, but your mother was stupid. She wanted to become a Blue Witch. Our mother would have none of it. Evelina refused to accept our mother's teaching. She believed it was wrong or something. Whatever, that's not important. Anyway, I became a master Witch and overthrew our mother. Now I am queen of the Blue Witches. Your mother has been hiding from me for twenty years now. She ran away with her boyfriend and never came back. Guess something actually came out of that relationship,"

First of all, that's a wonderful name, and a great explanation to start with at least. I would, however, try to make the sentences a little longer, connect some of them and thus strengthen the reading flow. What one has seen and heard of Radomira so far does not show that she would introduce herself in such short, simple sentences. A quick note here too; in the next paragraph Radomira continues with her explanation, that's where I would add the inverted commas.

"Name? What is your name child?"

Here a comma after the "name" in the second sentence.

In summary, it was a very exciting second part that you wrote here. I like this kind of short interview and how it turned out.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Hiya Ashlyn here for a review!! As always, please keep in mind that this review is not intended to offend you or make your writing look bad!

Our mother was a Red Witch. I wanted to follow in her footsteps, but your mother was stupid. She wanted to become a Blue Witch.

Alright, this is just me making predictions (ie. interacting with your work heheheh) here so you don't have to respond to this bit buuuuuut I'm guessing Red Witches and Blue Witches are different classifications of witch and each one holds a different type of magic??? Blue Witches should I hazard to guess (how dare I hehehehe) have a magic that has to with their voice, and mind-control, and are feared because Radomira is their Queen, and Red Witches have a power that either contrasts or are developing a power that contrast it?
Huh. Interesting stuff for me think on, while I wait for answers.
Ahhhhhhhh I'll be honest here, and say that the whole witches thing turned me off. I'm a bit exhausted at this point of witches, wizards, and magic, but I'll reserve judgment. Your a good writer, and I'm sure you'll execute it in an amazing, mind-blowing way that wrecks cliches ^^

Now I am queen of the Blue Witches. Your mother has been hiding from me for twenty years now. She ran away with her boyfriend and never came back. Guess something actually came out of that relationship,”

:0
So that explains why they lived in the mountains. Now, I must wonder-what was her mother doing outside? Keeping watch? Casting some sort of protection spell? Practicing magic in a secret hut? Heh, guess I'll find out lol.

Even in the cottage there had always been smells. There was the smell of the wood, or food, or the crackling fire, there was always something. All Kaylee could feel was loneliness, emptiness, and fear.

Hmmm...emptiness is basically twin to the word loneliness. Maybe you could find a different one?

In this place, she could feel, hear, see, and smell everything. Now she prayed that her mother was okay, and that the worst was not yet to come.

Shes worried about her mother, and is afraid that somethings bad is going to happen to her? Thats information you probably could have stated some time during the beginning of this chapter ^^ Other then that, this is a neat way to wrap up your story
Aaand that concludes this review! I hope you found it helpful in some way <333
BROUGHT TO YOU BY...

Hey, Victoria!
Here's a review for you today! I thought that these first two parts to chapter one were very well written and I'm loving the story so far! This witch lady, Mira (Is it ok if I call her that? I like that nickname lol), is pretty interesting and has a sort of flare to her. Anyways, I decided to do some edits in this chapter for you! Let me know what you think.

“Such a broad question with so many answers. Well, I suppose I should grant you the information you seek.”

She snapped and the parchment and quill disappeared.

“Who I am is a long story, but I’ll start with the basics. My name is Radomira Rosalia Maryamau. I was born in the Southern Realm along with your mother. Our mother was a Red Witch. I wanted to follow in her footsteps, but your mother was stupid. She wanted to become a Blue Witch. Our mother would have none of it. Evelina refused to accept our mother’s teaching. She believed it was wrong or something. Whatever, that’s not important. Anyway, I became a master Witch and overthrew our mother. Now I am queen of the Blue Witches. Your mother has been hiding from me for twenty years now. She ran away with her boyfriend and never came back. Guess something actually came out of that relationship,” Radomira laughed mockingly before continuing,

I’ve been looking for her ever since she left. Seems as though she found a pretty decent hiding spot up in the Mountains of Mist. But I have her and her precious daughter now! Anyway, now for my questions.”

Some edits to try to make the dialogue a little more natural and have less repeating words -->

"Such a broad question. Well, I suppose I should grant you some answers at least." She paused before the parchment and quill disappeared with a single snap. The mysterious woman took a breath and continued, "Who am I? It's quite a long story, so here's the gist." Remembering long lost memories, she looked intently into Kaylee's eyes. "My name is Radomira Rosalia Maryamau. I was born in the Southern Realm as well as your mother. My mother... your grandmother... was a Red Witch in her days. I did my best to follow in her footsteps while your mother, Evelina, foolishly desired to become a Blue Witch." She frowned at the thought.

Disbelief ran through Kaylee, wanting to put this lady off as crazy; however, what else could explain the preceding strange events so well? Radomira shifted her weight and began to pace slightly, finishing her recollections. "Evelina believed the Red's way was wrong and refused to accept our mother's teaching. When I reached my title as master Witch and claimed my mother's throne, I put Evelina in her place. She decided she'd rather banish herself than follow orders from me. So, she ended up fleeing with that little boyfriend of hers without ever coming back. And now twenty years later, the queen of the Blue Witches [May's note: Is it actually queen of the Red Witches?] is staring down at her own niece." Mira smirked at the frazzled girl. "I've been looking for my sister ever since she left. The royal family has got to stick together, don't you know? Well, it seems like she found herself a pretty decent hideout here in the Mountains of Mist. Too bad the search for her and her precious daughter has come to an end. Anyways, now for my questions."

“Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, I want to hear it from you and I want to hear it now!” (H)er aunt’s harsh tone brought (Kaylee's frantic mind) back to reality (as she) quickly blurted her name.

(“'Reading'?...”) Kaylee was becoming more nervous by the second.

Take what you will from this and keep on writing! (Looking forward to the next installment!)