Someday I want to lie in the sun with you
Hands clasped
Needing no one
But each other
Someday I want to see the blues and greens and yellows of the world
And lose my breath from its beauty
And then tell the world that it could only dream
Of being as beautiful as you
Someday I want to hold you in my arms
And whisper in your ear
I love you
So much
And someday I will
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
- NOT A REVIEW -
It was such an amazing poetry!!! I loved how you expressed the feeling.
thanks so much!
)
Hi Vex3330! Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions about the site (or this review), feel free to ask
If you already had them, and you want to keep them, you can put a period or dash or any other space-keeper between each stanza, like this:
I love how short and simple this poem is - it doesn't have any unnecessary frills, it just says what it came to say and then finishes. I know for one I sometimes have trouble keeping my poems concise, so well done!
Since it is so short, every little choice you've made - content-wise or style-wise - really stands out, so I'd like to go over a few little things. (There are really barely any rules to poetry, and these are all suggestions/personal opinions, so if you disagree with anything then you can totally leave how is!)
Firstly, capitalization. In a poem, you can choose to capitalize the beginning of every line (like you've done), not capitalize anything at all, or capitalize in sentence-case. It really doesn't matter, it's up to you as the poet! And I do have to say, kudos for staying consistent throughout the poem - consistency is something I bring up in a lot of my reviews, as it really helps a poem (or any piece) feel unified. There are a few things to keep in mind when choosing capitalization; what you've done (capitalizing each line) gives a poem a formal, sometimes slightly removed, feeling. Not capitalizing anything at all makes a poem feel informal, familiar, and sometimes more raw. Using sentence case is a sort of in-between, and can give different feelings based on the content of the poem.
I personally think sentence-case (capitalizing the first word of every sentence) would suit your poem really well, however for that, we would need punctuation, which leads me into my next comment.
Your poem actually doesn't have any punctuation! This, like capitalization, is a stylistic choice, so there's nothing inherently wrong with that decision, but I personally feel like adding some commas and periods would benefit this poem. And if you added periods, you could also change to sentence-case if you wanted to. In the spoiler below, I added some punctuation - there any many ways of doing so, and if you choose to, you could definitely punctuate it differently!
Spoiler
^In the above quote, I also altered the capitalization so that it's written in sentence-case, just so you can see what I mean by that. Again, you don't need to change the capitalization (or punctuation) if you don't want to, this is just an example of how you could if you want to!
One final not-content related thing I would like to mention is stanzas - which is like paragraphs, for poetry. You might've actually formatted the poem with stanzas in the publishing center, but it does have a way of eating them up
(stanza 1)
~
(stanza 2!)
If you didn't have stanzas, that same tip applies, and here's one possible way you could format the stanzas:
Spoiler
But there are definitely other ways to divide it up, that's just what seemed natural to me! Stanzas are good for separating ideas and can make a poem easier to read - you don't have to add them if you don't want to, I just personally would.
Anyway, that all probably felt like boring grammary-formatting stuff, so let's move onto the fun part, shall we?
I don't always like repetition in poems, but I think "Someday" worked really well in yours, especially since the final line uses it but in a different way. It helps to make the whole poem feel connected, while also taking a slightly fresh meaning in that last line.
I think your imagery/descriptions was really sweet and delicate, which complements the mood of the poem nicely. A lot of the language used also conveys a subtle touch of intimacy - lines like "Hands clasped" and "hold you in my arms // And whisper in your ear" - but in a cute, innocent way, which I liked!
There are a couple descriptions that I feel like could be expanded on, especially "blues and greens and yellows of the world". To me that brings to mind staring up at a canopy of trees, where you can see bright blue sky between the branches and the sun warms you with yellow light - but maybe you meant something else! Either way, you could definitely work some lovely imagery in there!
Overall, this is a really sweet poem, and I enjoyed reading it! Most of the suggestions I made are completely optional, and just up to your stylistic choice. I hope this review is helpful, and if you have any questions about anything I said feel free to ask
Keep writing!
whatchamacallit
i will keep your suggestions in mind when i do a re write. thank you so much for them!
~ Vex
Hi! Not a review. This is so sweet. Loved it!
Also Welcome to YWS. I hope u have a lovely time here
thank you!!
Firstly, this is very beautiful! I can feel the love and the need and that is what makes this so remarkable. this poem is brief but a lot is being inferred in those brief lines that don't require reading in between. the persona is passionate and filled with romanticism and usually I dont like romantic poems due to the over the top theatrics, unnecessary exaggeration and sometimes even obscenity . BUT this! wow .It has all the stuff but in the right amounts and I read it without rolling my eyes . this is amazing
hey thanks so much for the review, it means a lot! i've spent a lot of time working on the fine line between romantic and too romantic. i know when i've gone too romantic when i get punched lol :p but yeah im so glad you enjoyed it! i definitely intend on doing more poetry in a similar vein
Thanks for the kind words, they mean a lot
~ Vex
Greetings!
I’m VioletFantasy and I’m here to review this sweet little poem you wrote. First of all, I absolutely love how you started each stanza with the word “someday”. It really makes the poem flow and I’m a sucker for poems with repeating words.
My favorite lines in this poem are definitely:
“ And lose my breath from its beauty
And then tell the world that it could only dream
Of being as beautiful as you”
Just reading this took my breath away. Saying someone is better than all of the world’s wonders is the best compliment anyone could receive.
Your grammar and spelling is spot on! I don’t see any mistakes. I only have one thing that I would like to mention. It has to do with this line: “ Someday I want to see the blues and greens and yellows of the world”. I really like what it is saying, but it’s a little longer than the other lines. “World” is thrown on its own separate line because there isn’t enough room for it. It might help the structure of the poem if that line was shortened so “world” could fit on the same line. It’s not a big deal if it doesn’t get changed though. It is still amazing!!
I can’t wait to read more of your work! Keep writing!!!
thanks so much for the amazing review!!! Im so glad you enjoyed my poem!
i also like that you liked the compliment. complimenting people is one of my favorite things to do so im glad i could work that into the poem
lastly but not leastly, yeah i was wondering about that line too. could probably do with some fine tuning. i intend on rewriting this poem soon so ill definitely switch it up then.
Thanks so much for the kind words! They mean a lot
~ Vex
No problem! I%u2019m glad that I could help!! %uD83D%uDE01