Published June 3, 2011
So many days, so many nights have come and gone
And all alone, again, I sit before a fire.
My soul is burning with desire,
My mind sinking in deep thought.
I must admit that now I’m lost.
There is no passage back, no retribution.
No longer can I hope to save myself.
The nectar of the sweet, forbidden fruit of love that I devoured
Has turned to poison and consumed my self.
My only light in darkness, my salvation,
The only thought that brings some comfort to my soul
Is that the Cupid’s arrows cannot pierce
The heart that was destroyed by love.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I really like this. It was just so beautiful. Any nitpicks I have other people already noted on. Keep writing, please!
ur poem was good so keep writing!
ooo, I loved this so much!
Those were my favorite lines!
One thing I would change though:
I think you should add, "just" between was and destroyed!
Hello there. :3
Welcome to YWS. Hope you like it here.
Nitpicks:
A good start to your poem by this line! Only one thing that I thought was missing is that there should be an “and” in between many days and many nights rather than a comma.
“Sit before a fire” does not sound right. It should be “sit before the fire”. And I think that you jumbled up words in this sentence but then I think that it could be the way it is supposed to be because poetry does not have a particular grammatical sentence structure.
I liked the way you expressed the first line here. Burning with desire is a good one. But in the second line my will not be in capitals as it is followed by a comma. And I think that thought should be in a plural sense over here. “Sinking in deep thoughts” would sound better, I suppose.
The first line here is kind of larger than compared to the others so it disturbs the flow a bit. But if you are going to keep it in this way then you should add “once” before devoured, it gives the line a past feel. “Has” will be in smalls and “myself” is one word.
The words in blue will all be in small because they are a part of the same sentence.
In the second line, remove “some” from it. it sounds more flowy(?) if removed. But these lines kind of confused me. Until now you were talking about love type thingies and then, why does a thought that says that you could never love make you comfortable?
All in all it was a pretty good poem. I liked it a lot. It had a few imageries but they were all good. But try to add a few more images when you write a poem, it becomes the soul of the poem and expresses more of the poem. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
I really loved this!! I know exactly how that feels, and it really rough to get through. I can't really see anything wrong with this piece, so I don't think that it really needs review, just a lot of good comments.
If you write anything else like this, shoot me a PM sometime.
Well keep writing!!
--Jalmoc
It was good, not overly great but, it wasnt poor either. When I read it it seemed lacking in emotion though, it uses descriptive words and vivid feeling, I just couldn't feel it. But don't listen to anything I say, I just woke up and haven't had coffee yet, so it's probably amazing and I'm just not fully awake yet. Keep Writing!
It was good, not overly great but, it wasnt poor either. When I read it it seemed lacking in emotion though, it uses descriptive words and vivid feeling, I just couldn't feel it. But don't listen to anything I say, I just woke up and haven't had coffee yet, so it's probably amazing and I'm just not fully awake yet. Keep Writing!
It was good, not overly great but, it wasnt poor either. When I read it it seemed lacking in emotion though, it uses descriptive words and vivid feeling, I just couldn't feel it. But don't listen to anything I say, I just woke up and haven't had coffee yet, so it's probably amazing and I'm just not fully awake yet. Keep Writing!
I really like this! It is short but sweet!
Is night supposed to be nights? (I think it might sound better that way.)I do have one nit pick.
The first five lines are the best!
Keep writing,
~FW~