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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
This is stunning wow. I really enjoyed the beginning especially, and the second part was very interesting. If you want, I'd be glad to be tagged in the upcoming chapters!
I haven't actually read the previous chapters (which I'll try to read later) So I don't understand everything that's going on but I do think I understand the characters and how they express their emotions in their certain different ways. For example, I loved how you wrote Jupiter's and Ramsay's expressions. The regret in Jupiter and the pain in Ramsay were enticing to me. I get pretty obsessed with stories or books with much emotion and expression in the characters so I found this chapter especially drawn to me. Also, the names are brilliant!
I have just a few corrections:
The first one is the "h"s in the first part were all replaced with "v"s. Maybe it was on purpose but I'm not sure if I understand that so I'd fix it.
*The woman had been wearing flowers—Zelda couldn’t remember what kind, now, but they were twined in her pitch-soaked hair, each petal painted a careful yellow. They smelled like spring; they smelled like the apartment, bountiful and now somehow different. Tainted by association.*
^^ I enjoyed these sentences but the last one feels like you should put a comma and then continue with "tainted by association". It just feels a bit strange to end a sentence and then make another that connects to the first like it's all together. You know?
*“The Tower,” he said obediently.*
^^ So the comma, is it there because he was going to say something else after or did you mean a period? I feel like there should be a period unless the woman interrupted him before he could say the rest.
Sorry if I'm picky mate!
I really do love this and again I hope you tag me in the future because I'm very much drawn in.
Hey, thanks for your review! I'm super glad you enjoyed jumping into the middle like this! c:
Ramsay is actually agender! This means ve isn't male or female, but identifies outside of the Western gender binary (in this case, ve doesn't have a specific gender, hence agender/without-gender). Vis pronouns are "ve" instead of he/she, "vis" instead of his/hers, and "vem" instead of him/her.A couple things!
I'm genderqueer, so it's important to me to have characters who exist outside of the Western gender binary. Hence Ramsay, even if ve isn't exactly a good guy all the time ;D
The "tainted by association" you pointed out is a stylistic choice I made, so for the time being, I'm keeping it. But hey, it's just a first draft, right?
As for the dialogue you pointed out, that is actually correct punctuation. Dialogue Punctuation and Punctuation within Dialogue are both super helpful articles for looking over dialogue punctuation! Because that is one sentence, and not a series of independent sentences ("The Tower," he said vs. "The Tower," he crossed his arms), it needs a comma and not a period.
And "the woman" has a name ;D Especially considering Julissa is the point of view character for that scene, haha.
I'll be sure to tag you for future chapters! Thanks again for your review!
Oh ok! Sorry I didn't know that whoops. Yeah, I understand about the drafts and it is cool I just didn't know lol. Ohhh ok and yes she does have a name haha I probably should have mentioned her name I kinda rush wrote the review. Ok, I hope you understand I wasn't trying to tear down your work! :i
oh my god I'm so curious about the extent of Jupiter and Ramsay's history
Like with the bits we got earlier, it definitely seems like they were dating or something, but what is THIS about this "don't hate me" that Jupiter's remembering Ramsay saying at some earlier time? Is it something about Ramsay being a Seer, or something to do with the self-inflicted self-harm scars?
poor Ramsay omgAnd ooooooooh what is this emptiness? Is this something to do with Zelda or something 100% different? HMMMMAnyway, aside from all the curiosity, I really like this scene because it's just really powerful to see Ramsay reacting so viscerally to something after seeing ver earlier self-assurance. It makes it feel like this is something, really, really bad.
Omg is Wendrick like an Arthur Weasley living fully in the Muggle world but still married to a witch bc that's a bit what it sounds like from this line about taking a watch apart to see how it worked, 10/10
I'm not sure I'm understanding what's going on here with the tarot cards. So just to clarify, Julissa's trying out the tarot cards but all the cards keep turning up the same? like she's got a full deck, so presumably each card should be different. But instead she flips the cards over to find them all the same? that's what it sounds like, but I want to check because I'm a little confused.
Is Julissa also a Seer? I don't remember from your notes because my memory is the Literal Worst, but I noticed this line that recalls an earlier line when Jupiter is with Ramsay at the start of this chapter.
(And what a lovely line it is, too.)
Part of me feels vaguely lost and annoyed in the last scene, because Justin starts off this scene with "I should have told you sooner" and I'm like "told her what, told her what!!!" But as the scene goes on, I don't get anything but "magic is real," which the reader already knows from Jupiter and Julissa.
But at the end of the chapter, you bring in this "okay, well, it's a long story," so I'm hoping to get more juicy details soon. But also I always feel like 1000% a hypocrite even mentioning things about Characters Explaining Things that both the other character and the readers need to know, because I am The Worst at those parts of the story.
WENDRICK IS ARTHUR WEASLEY CONFIRMED
okay so the Ramsay thing is Interesting and may come into play later ccccc: the nothingness is a shiny piece I tossed in because I think it's super interesting/it's actually Heavy Foreshadowing for a later point that I need to revise
to clarify on Julissa's cards -- yes! Every card she turns over is the Queen of Wands. Every. single. one. Except the Tower.
Julissa isn't a Seer -- because Seers happen very rarely and usually to people who have one foot in the grave already, i.e. those who have had near death experiences or those who live with chronic or terminal illnesses -- but she IS a witch and witches have the power to kind of skip between Places.
Seers have the ability to See what's going to happen in the current world/timeline, but witches can skip into Places, which are basically altered, pocket dimensions of the current world that aren't Quite Right -- like a mirror, where everything's backwards, or everything is color-inverted, or the letter A doesn't exist. Usually these Places are pretty deserted because most people live in the Herenow/the main world, but some witches and other creatures choose to live in the Places instead. They're also a nifty way to move around without dealing with traffic, or to drag a curse or evil entity out of the Herenow/away from harming your children (as Julissa tries to do here, basically, removing her family from the harmful influence of the Tower card).
OKAY YES THE LAST SCENE IS. a scene. honestly it just needed to happen and I didn't want to explain EVERYTHING offscreen so it's Awkward but the next half will hopefully actually explain things!!!
glad you liked it <3333
ugh this all sounds so awesome