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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello! I'm finally here! I am following like 12 lms novels so my replies will most likely always be late/spaced out, so I apologize for that in advance
I will say I was very excited to read your novel in particular, so with that being said, let's get right into it!
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
I like to single out the first line of a novel to see if I'm hooked on it, and honestly, I'm not. It's a beautiful visual, but it doesn't capture my interest in anything plot/character related. I do think it sets a scene though, so It's not really a need to change it. I don't think anyone will really read that and then stop, you know? Just some food for thought.
okay, I'm about halfway through and I'm already in love with this story. Your descriptions are stellar and I already love your characters and can't wait to see how you develop them <3
oof I love that.
WOW i am so excited to follow this one. I'm so drawn in and excited about all the mystery, well done! your descriptions were lovely and really helped me paint the picture in my head. Great job! I really don't have anything else to say <3
- del
I’ve made the decision to start reviewing this at 10:40 am on Friday, so let’s see if I can manage to finish it before next week, since I’m really slow with reviews now. And mobile, so unfortunately no quotes or gifs, I’ll just PM them once I’m done.
Title:
The title is pretty rad, man. All fantasy all the way.
First line/paragraph:
They are okay. The heavy description was a little bit much to walk into, and it’s probably bad how much my review style depends on the first glance judgement. It just almost seemed like purple prose, but purposely that heavy and then it just ends with a political sign? So I guess you were going for the purposeful contrast of nature and plastic snakes, it’s just not that enjoyable as a reader?
I can understand why people on YWS have grown to fear the word counts on chapters. Many of us have been the reviewers to click on a 3k and find out that it stretched on forever. But I don’t see the problem with yours, because it’s actually good writing.
There’s a few bumpy parts, mainly the description bothers me, but it’s good writing. Which is then in turn why I’m bothered about you not having that many reviews, since I’m currently depending on pity reviews, but my concepts are bad.
No matter how long it looks on the surface level, this chapter goes by pretty quickly and I see what you mean about it being hard to break up. The pace is a bit questionable at first, during some of the more tender ? (Tender is the only word I can think of) scenes. Once they get into the countryside and are racing around in the car, it’s far more understandable. And then it’s pretty understandable in the highly stressful situation of asking a creepy nun from the hills to repair your car.
So it’s all on par there.
I noticed that a few of the reviewers mentioned how there are so many things being introduced and how you’re kind of all over the place. Rosey mentions the Aunt being the villain, which requires prior knowledge of the story but when they said the only Fairchild in town, I was thinking more along the lines of it being her mother? So I guess it is possible o introduce her in the whirlwind of everything, it just needs to be more.
Scott is a kind of weird character for me to deal with, since he’s essentially two separate characters, if you want to deal with personality in that way. Rich kid trying to be a cool kid looking like a not so rich kid, seems to be the style that he’s going for. Which is nice, maybe. But it also reminds me of too many assholes in too many novels.
*whispers john green*
Okay now I'm moving to the computer while I'm working on my jam, here's a few things I felt like quoting and then making a joke about.
Yeah like the Methodist church.
That Supernatural where this literally happened and caused a ghost.
Uh so that's all I've got.
Don't think I've ever reviewed any of your stuff before.
I'll be back soon.
Forever and a day late.
So this is interesting. I say interesting in the way that you look at a cluster of embroidery thread that will eventually become an image, but at present you look at the thread and go "hm." In the way I know what you're trying to do, and how you've gotten all of the colours pulled to get your idea laid out, but it's not cohesive yet.
In here you have, I believed, introduced us to the following concepts:
- Zelda in the middle of nowhere
- her aunt is here (but never mentioned or introduced in-text)
- Scott left
- Zelda is apparently alone but gives off the impression she's waiting for somebody
- five paragraphs later Scott is back
- the church
- the old rivalry
- the believer/not believer divide
- the Greys
And I'm going to focus on the first five.
The fact her aunt is here but not mentioned again nor is she given a name in text, just berry kisses, is probably my biggest hang-up. I know from your LMS thread she's a villain, I know that she is supposed to show up early in the plot. But the fact she is half introduced then it turns into a whirlwind of Scott's gone, but he's back, oh hey wanna go for a drive?
And that tangle of thread has turned muddy, where you're looking at a cluster of colours and going "how do they all fit together?"
I don't think you have actually introduced too much at once. For the size of the scene, the number of conflicts, and number of people, this feels like an appropriate amount of threads put together. But I feel like they need to be put into a priority sequence here, and maybe trimmed a bit.
If you're going to introduce Scott being away, put that higher up in the scene, then maybe use going to the airport to introduce the aunt as well because she just got picked up, and now Zelda is where and why?
Like I said. All of the pieces are there. You have some vivid colours and the sketch looks good, but it's just a sketch and right now there are too many knots in the threads to really work with. They've been laid down in an order that doesn't get the best picture, and if you just readjusted them, they'd be playing nicely.
I will say that the descriptions are lovely. I know you're working very hard to get good descriptions, and it shows. You're at your strongest when you're describing the unnaturalness of the world, perhaps because the unnaturalness is so stark that it stands out like neon in mist.
Yes, that allusion was intentional. Primarily because the mist and shade didn't come across as well as they could have, so the unnaturalness was the best description in here.
The exchanges between Scott and Zelda were wonderful, as well, really showing their relationship and the touch of envy Zelda has for Scott's money and ability to blend in. The "how much for an hour" had me laugh.
In the end, I'm neutral on this. All of the major players introduced, there's obviously a lot of care put into this opening, but there's that one knot at the beginning where you're trying to get your feet under you and because you had so many pieces to introduce it ended up snagging on you there.
I hope this messy collection of thoughts is helpful in some way. You know where to find me.
~Rosey
Hey Raye, I keep putting this off because the chapter's quite long but it's not like I have anything to do today anyway xD
Nit-picks and a nice moment:
(sorry about lost italics, don't come through on c/p) This seems like overkill. Unless there is some reason why she can't complete this task, skiving for a bit seems like something that would incur just a slight twinge of guilt.
How did she realise this?
I mean, he didn't really seem to want her to go get help in the first place. Also, wouldn't he be understanding of her fear?
Wait, has she literally never seen this church before?
I am confused about who Justin is. At first I thought he was her best friend that had been mentioned, then I realised that was Scott. Now I'm thinking maybe her father, but who would think about their father on first name terms?
This is the aforementioned nice moment. Hehehehehehe
Overall:
Well that got frickin dark! What in the name of god is going on around here? Why are the creepy children treated like saints? Is it something to do with an ability that the eyes are a sign of? Is this child being taught to control his powers? Why is the church involved in what sounds closer to Satanism?
Meanwhile, this was also a really chill, sleepy introduction to a story. The setting gives me a perfect idea of where and when this takes place, and the characterisation of Scott moves smoothly into the social divisions in the place.
I think oddly the main thing I want to pick up on here is the dialogue. Sometimes it just maybe isn't as funny as would be good? For example, the thing about painting his car pink to be a Barbie girl, that would be funnier if it had a root earlier in the chapter. Currently it just seems random and as a result a bit contrived. A lot of the banter felt like this for me, but I'm not really sure what you could do there other than maybe put more plants for jokes in when I'm busy thinking about something else.
I also have a question about the shop she is meant to be working at. Is she the only worker in a shop full of cameras? That's what it sounded like. I know I said she ought to only feel a twinge of guilt, but I think getting in a car and driving away would be the moment to have actual crushing guilt. Thing is though, if she's feeling guilt, why is she doing it. Unless she's a selfish person, what is so bad about the shop that she is willing to take that guilt?
All round an exciting, intriguing chapter. I will attempt to review some more of it today!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Heyo, Reine! I have a few hours to kill, so I'm here with a review! Now, let's get started
Preface: I feel as if a lot of my criticism here is just jabs at word choice, but I hope it will be useful to you nonetheless.
The first paragraph was a very good introduction into the story. It flows well, easily transferring the reader to the scene at hand while setting the tone for the chapter. Basically, if I were to pick this up in a bookstore, then I'd definitely be prompted to read on.
Small things:
I actually initially thought that she was standing here. I bring this up because, leading into my next point...
...the visual popped into my mind of Zelda just having ridiculously looong arms as opposed to her, y'know, sitting on the sidewalk. I'd suggest using the word "reclined" instead of "leaned"? At least, recline has connotations of sitting in my mind whereas lean has connotations of standing.
Also, I tend to have the perception of sidewalk-grass being really dry? It's not really something that I would attribute dew to. However, if you want to keep that line, then I'd suggest rephrasing the dew bit? "[H]er palm wet from dew" or something similar. "Collected", for some reason, makes me think of the dew being a significant amount? And it sounds a bit weird flow-wise.
Will admit that I thought she worked at Quikway for a bit, given that the only other store mentioned beforehand was Quikway. Although, I'm glad that her dad works at Fairchild Flowers instead because that name is alliterative and A+
This makes it sound like the wave of new air is connected to her popping open the glove box, which I don't think is the intention? Also, given that it's a new car, how did she know that there was going to be a multi-tool in the glove box?
Just, dang, this is a really good bit? This chapter as a whole is very good, but I'm very much in love with the parts leading up to the church. The description is so rich and full of atmosphere--despite not knowing that much about Zelda yet, I still feel very much inside of her head. The little notes after the em-dashes are just so great.
It feels a bit weird for Zelda to call her dad Justin in the narrative? I love the fact that his name is Justin, but it just feels a bit off because he was initially introduced as Dad.
The build-up throughout this chapter was an absolute treat and I honestly can't wait until I get to the next chapters. In addition to that, you have a knack for repetition that's impactful and never tedious, instead just building up the atmosphere.
There are some questions that linger -- did Scott's car die because of some sort of magic? What is up with the Greys? Also, awwh, what's going on in Scott's home life? The comment about fighting leads me to believe the worse.
I really hope that this review ends up helping! If there's anything that you'd like me to focus on for future reviews or anything that you'd like expanded on, then let me know! Keep on writin', Reine!
-E
Adrian!!! I'm so glad you read this and liked this and yay c:
Okay yes the intro to Zelda def needs some serious tweaking. That whole intro is something I kind of threw together like "eh, Screw First Lines" and it wasn't so much meant to hook as to be a standin for a future hook and ideally the next draft will start with something more Punchy. As a result of me kinda tossing it together, in my head initially she was standing and then she was sitting and it makes more sense, to me, for her to be sitting bc she's been there a while, and I really like the dew-collecting line so I wanna keep it somehow (I also want an image of a Very Wet Place in the mountains). The whole intro just needs a serious edit tho.
And this isn't clear but the reason she popped the glove box is because she was desperate to try and find something/her dad usually keeps useful things in glove boxes, but she wasn't expecting a multi-tool. That's gonna change in draft 2, too, I think. I'm making it a note!
And for Zelda calling her dad Justin in narrative, it's really more her character than it would be to call him Dad all the time. I might edit that first line about him to say "her dad" instead, because she's very much that kid who calls all her family members by their first names inside her head. Justin, Karma, Rebecca (her grandmother), Josiah (her grandfather). They're only Dad, Mom, Grandmother, and Grandfather outside of her head in situations where it would be disrespectful to call them by their names. (Side note, this is why Scott also always calls them like, Mr. Fairchild, Ms. Wethers, Mr. and Mrs. Wethers. He was raised in an atmosphere of Utmost Politeness and still hasn't shaken that part in his rebellion.)
Scott's car totally died because of magic (tho I'm actually not 100% on whose magic caused it to die -- I'm thinking Jovian did it by accident while he and Mother Superior were studying... classical languages). The Greys are their own entity, and Jovian is an entity within the entity. Like, he's just weird.
SCOTT'S HOME LIFE is a screwed up ball of screwy and I feel so bad for him bc he's such a sweetheart aaaand this is basically his only scene as a main character until, uh, chapter 14 or 15?
Thanks again! This was super helpful <3 Glad you enjoyed!
!!! Alright, yeah, it totally makes sense for her to call him Justin versus Dad xD It was really just the first instance of him being referenced which made it feel odd.
Scott come baaaaaaaack. I wanna know more *grabby hands*
Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!
I'm really digging this chapter! There was a lot of descriptions, character development, and that ending is kind of a cliffhanger. I do enjoy how you started off this chapter, mostly because it sets the scene for the chapter. You mention a lot of characters in one place, like 'Quikway's' and you really don't give much of an entrance to Zelda-she is just there leaning. I do think, maybe, you could describe her appearance and then lead into saying why she was there if that makes sense.
You mention 'ancient' in the same sentence and you mention the brand-new roads again, even though you've mentioned it prior two sentences back. What I suggest is that you should describe the engines more in terms of just 'ancient', like what do they sound like? And the roads part could just stay as 'the roads'.
'And' doesn't sounds quite right when I was reading this. I suggest in place of 'and', you could place 'as' since it is happening as she is running her hands through the grass.
I think when Zelda thinks of this person, you should put it in italics to show that she is thinking about it. Also, I get this feeling that Zelda and Scott are great friends just from this one simple interaction. I usually do that with my friends, so it's a nice sentiment.
I'm kind of confused and intrigued with the metaphor you used for when he pulled off his gloves. What I was thinking was that he ripped them off in such a fashion that it could be compared to harshly ripping up tissue paper. But, that also seems kind of out of place and odd metaphor-but odd metaphors are always great, I believe. Basically, it is an interesting but confusing metaphor (if you would call it a metaphor).
I like this description as it is another way of saying 'fake cheer'.
Another great line. There are so many lines in here I love that if I could put them in here, this review would go on forever. xD
This part kind of sets the tone for what will be happening next. The suspense is really dripping from these two lines and I love it. It kind of makes me wonder what will happen to Zelda and Scott.
Is Witch Way a pun? If not, I think it would be marvelous as one.
For some reason, I don't know why, but coyotes kind of make me think that something else attacked Ms. Ackroyd's dog. There's like a gut feeling that could be wrong of what really attacked the dog because I don't think coyotes would do such a thing? Mostly because they are scared of just about everything, I believe.
It seems like Zelda knows about this place without actually going there. How would she know the people? I mean, she knows Mother Superior (which I must say is a cool name) and she could've told tales of what was happening there. I kind of want more context is where I'm getting at, which you could add later on.
Ooh, I wonder who the old friend is. I wonder if Zelda's appearance woke her/him up. Suspicious, suspicious all around.
To cap, this was a wonderful read. The characters were pretty well-written, the background of where this story was taking place was pretty thought out, and I'm kind of curious as to what the Greys are. I think you mentioned in your thread but it wouldn't hurt to hint at what they are in here. The few things I suggested were introducing characters and repeating of words. Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!
This is a buffer comment to see if this will allow Lareine to reply.
Can I post a normal reply?
OKAY so I was TRYING to respond to this on my phone but YWS hates me so you get a computer reply. Please pardon any typos bc I probably haven't seen them!
So like, I guess I'm trying to justify myself, but I don't believe in novels describing viewpoint characters, especially not right off the bat? I mean, we kind of start in omniscient here, but really the whole thing is from Zelda's point of view as she's observing the town, so I don't think I really should describe her? But this is me saying this as the writer to you as the reader, and ultimately you're the important party in this give-take that is writing.
So a question for you: Without the reference picture in my thread, just by this chapter, what would you think Zelda looks like? How do you imagine her? (How do you imagine any of these characters?)
The ancient/new repetition thing is on purpose actually! I was trying to draw a parallel that Gramarye is both old and new in various different parts of itself. So you have the new bikes on old roads, and the old cars on new roads. It's awkward, though, and I see when you point it out that it doesn't look as intentional as it comes across to me. I'll definitely make a note to edit that.
That 'and' is a weird one. I'll have to think about it.
And that word totally was in italics in my Scrivener! I lost all my formatting when I pasted it over and I must have missed that. Thanks so much for pointing it out!
1/2
The tissue paper line is an awkward stand-in for a line I want to be there that shows how Scott is careless/blase about money/expensive things. Like I want to make it clear that everything about him basically is custom-designed or custom-fit, and he doesn't care. It might have to wait until I introduce his parents in chapter 2. I'll definitely keep trying to find a good way to show that.
Oh man Witch Way is totally a pun and I'm so glad you got that actually! Like, I need to make it punnier but it's a pun, and that's good for now.
And who knows what ate Ms. Ackroyd's dog... Jovian certainly doesn't.
So the thing about the church is this: Only the Greys go there. Full stop. No one else in town goes there -- and the Greys are considered creepy, so it's common knowledge/rumor that they go there and it's actually a cover for something less-than-Christian.
Mother Superior is one of three people who lives and works there, and the only one who makes regular trips down into town. The others -- a priest and a young nun -- are scarcely seen and even more scarcely spoken to. The priest only leaves the church for special occasions. The young nun never has, to anyone in Gramarye's knowledge.
Zelda is familiar/pseudo-friendly with Mother Superior because she's a regular customer at her dad's flower shop (that's what Justin's business is -- I don't know if I mentioned it explicitly in this part, but it becomes very obvious in the next part).
As for what the Greys are -- there are a lot of rumors around town, and Zelda doesn't necessarily know which are true. ;D It'll become very clear once we're introduced to Jupiter, I hope.
Thanks again! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Did you have any other questions I haven't answered, or that I missed?
Thank you for the reply! It actually did clear up a bunch of stuff I had questioned as I was reading but I couldn't put it into words. And with Zelda-I kind of imagine her, going off of your description that you provided in this chapter, as a girl with curly hair and a wild imagination. I kind of suspect that she will be very cautious about thing, but once she gets into the habit of doing it, then she won't question it (also this is a different and probably me overlooking, but I remember a Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and when I was reading, I was thinking of those two lol). I feel like Mother Superior is a grandma figure who holds many secrets. I just love all the characters and I can't wait for the next part. Also also, loving all of this mysterious talk about what will be happening. Thank you for answering my questions/clearing things up!
Haha that's actually where I got their names from! Initially I had joked that I should make my MC's name Zelda -- "oh, I love those games!" "no, like Zelda Fitzgerald" -- bc her dad loves the 20s. That name stuck, so when I was trying to come up with a name for her best friend, I decided I'd go the full nine yards and pick Scott Key (for Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald, Zelda's husband). It wasn't a very smooth relationship to say the least (understatement of the century) but I had this vision of having these two best friends who kind of slowly grow apart because of the things they go through together. So where Scott clings to the humanity of his situation, Zelda slowly accepts the reality of magic and the other realms, and so forth.
As for my Zelda herself... you're not far off!
No problem! If there's anything else you think of, just let me know c: I'm always glad to answer questions!