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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Heyo, Raye! I'm back here with another review.
Ahhh, I loved this chapter so much. I loved the interaction between Jupiter and Ramsay, especially with the bits of the past peaking in. There are so many stones that still need to be overturned, but then like ten more stones turn up? (I hope that makes sense.) Regardless, I love the unfolding mystery that's presented here (especially the fact that there's nothing in Scott's past. Like, holy crap. Was everything about Scott just completed erased by a faery? Did this happen to Fred? Is Ramsay lying? If so, why is ve lying?)
Holy crap, Batman! That's some unsafe driving right there! Is she at least stopped at a light? D:
First part: The visual is sort of confusing? Or at least, I started to imagine visitors with sharp teeth and then fitting a road onto their bodies was kinda weird? I'm not quite sure how to fix this line, but I'd definitely separate the two visuals out? (Uh, hidden roads makes me think of like... differing paths to differing realities too? Which makes me think of the faeries? Do faeries have pointed teeth? o: )
Purple part! Why don't more people disappear? I know that Mother Superior made sure that faeries weren't a problem in the Gramarye, but Nerissa was able to come over... (And Ramsay has faerie pals, apparently? Like, uh, her warding abilities might be a bit *off*.) Did Mother Superior ward based on faerie courts? So like, Seelie faeries are chill and Unseelie can't come around?
Do you even have those courts? Oops.The antecedent in this instance refers to her dad, but then the next usage is the attendant.
In the last part, she made a bubble of ignore me -- I would assume that she would have done something similar? If so, the clarifying question I have is that if someone wants to see something under the ignore me spell, then the ignore me spell is useless? I'm wondering about Jupiter's current parameters and limitations in regards to magic.
Oh man, is Zelda bullied a bunch? D: I was expecting Jupiter to go into what she saw Zelda experiencing (directly drawing contrast to her own experience), but instead it kind of fell flat and brushed over that. (Although, I love the line about the tattoo!) Was the brushing over intentional?
Okay! I really, really loved this chapter and I hope that you'll keep on writing! Let me know if there's something that you'd like me to focus on in my next review. If you ever have any questions or comments or just want to shout about your story, then you can always catch me on Discord~
-E
I admit at first I was slightly tripped up by the pronouns, like I got here
and kind of assumed it was a typo or something, but then I got here
and realized this is a nb person using ve/vey/vem pronouns and was like, "Ah, okay, cool." I mostly want to bring that up because
based on what I've seen here beforeI fully expect that you're going to get some reviews like "what?" or "um these pronouns are confusing" or "does this characater have to be nb" etc AND I just wanted to get here first and go "GOOD JOB A+ FOR REPRESENTATION AND I UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS GOING ON EVEN IF IT SLIGHTLY CONFUSED ME AT FIRST BUT IT DEFINITELY WOULDN'T MAKE ME PUT THE BOOK DOWN" hence yesterday's comment even though I was on mobile and couldn't review yet.Also I love the fact that Ramsay and Jupiter have dated
and probably gone a bit far physically given that one comment Ramsay madeand that Jupiter still seems to feel something. I'm not sure she's still actually interested in Ramsay that way, per se, but I meanAlso??? Ramsay surely still feels something too, even if ve seems like maybe not the healthiest person to have a relationship with, give vis need of control.
My only issue with this is that I don't have a clear enough idea of what Ramsay looks like. (Well, okay, I have a good idea NOW because I saw that picture you posted earlier, but shhhhh.) Is vis hair long or short? Is ve slim or fat? What kind of clothes is ve wearing?
Which might also be part of the point, given this line
and the fact that ve's a Seer, so like "hard to get a clear idea of" kind of goes along with that in a way.
re: your author's notes and feelings on this chapter as a transition, I liked it. I like seeing more of the magic and getting a sense of danger from all these creepy "Light be with you" people and getting more of a read on Jupiter from her feelings here. So of course you can scrap it if you decide it ultimately doesn't work for the story, but at this point in this draft I like it.
Review later bc I'm on mobile this weekend but 10/10 for including an nb character!