Hey verser! I'm here to fulfill that WRFF request you made.
SO! Interesting piece you have here. I can see that you put a lot of thought and effort into it. Strangely enough, the voice in this piece reminds me very much of my own voice. hmm. Interesting.
You had a lot of really nice imagery . What you were saying was definitely visible. The tone was nice, and the theme and story were nice as well. Most of your problems are small, persnickety things that are definitely fixable.
Probably your biggest problem, however, was that this comes off as a bit pretentious in a couple ways. Way #1 : it was really lengthy. You don't talk about really new things, and there weren't enough transitions between stanzas. The whole poem was pretty much in one color, and so it kind of got boring as we went along. Length and boredom leads to people not feeling like they want to finish the poem.
Way #2 : your language and wording came across like you were trying to be poetic, and that sort of came off as pretentious. It's not a feeling I can put my finger on, but I used to write like this all the time. In fact, I'm thinking of one particular poem of mine that I loved for a long time, and then recently I realized it has this unnameable pretentiousness. This is the poem: Wanderlust It has similar themes to yours also. Actually, now that I look over it, I realize it has many many of the same problems as yours has. One thing, however that I think is missing from your poem that I have in mine is transitions. There's a distinct arc of what's happening. I go from day to dusk to night. In most lengthy poems such as this, it's important to have an order. I've done chronological, I've seen people focus on one tiny detail and move out to a broader scope and vice-versa, I've seen people start inside and move outside... There just needs to be an order so that the audience can tell what's going on and doesn't get lost in your sea of images.
But what I was really going to talk about here was your actual wording. It comes off like you're trying really hard to be poetic. I'm not sure how to advise you to fix this. You just have to try not to sound like you're trying to be poetic. Good luck with that. I still struggle with this.
Finally, Way #3 : your subject matter is pretentious too. You have a really cool story and some really cool images, and even the little love thing going on here is cute, but there is TOO MUCH OF IT! The reader is so inundated with fanciful, ethereal, puffly-fluffy-cloud stuff that he or she is starting to feel sick or something. The way you present all this is pretentious in that "look at what my beautiful friend is and how she thinks and how beautiful it all is. You don't know her and don't get to see this like I do haha!" Maybe that's only me who's thinking like this, but still. This, infact, reminds me of another piece I wrote: A Small Black Marble in a Sea of Glass again, I used to love this piece, and recently I've realized that it is extremely pretentious.
Now for some smaller problems. Like grammar and stuff.
You struggle for tense in your very first sentence. Are you doing this in present or past tense? You need to decide for the entire poem and made sure it's all up to snuff in that tense.
there a part where you say "rosy cheeked" which I think should have a hyphen.
You use the word "infinity" and words like it a LOT in this piece. I know that's what it's about, but I really think it would be better if you didn't use it as much. Trust your readers that they can remember what you're talking about. And don't be as repetitive as you are right now.
Alright, this is all I think I have. Very good work. You've got a lot of good images here, now I suggest you pick the best and pick the best story line. You can do it! Let me know if you have any questions!
~fortis
Points: 4984
Reviews: 621
Donate