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12+ Language Violence

Three Ducks and Leanard

by VersatileJames23

Three Ducks and Leanard

He shoots, another miss, every shot he takes goes in the rim then out. The katana swords are down by ten.
”I can’t believe we are losing this bad” I whispered to Lenny’s mom. Sitting at the edge of the bench in the bleachers. Ms.smith screaming at the top of her lungs ”Lenny go”!
”Boy you better not misses another shot “! She didn't hear me,” what you say Leanard ”Her voice completely changed the tone, from an angry bear to a sweet rabbit.
”Oh I can’t believe we are losing”, I said in a joking way.
”If we lose this game, Lenny’s gonna get it” she said. I begin to laugh, but she was not laughing .Lenny carried the ball up the court looking to pass. The ball was quickly stolen by the other team. The watershower bucks, he brought it down the court and gave a mean dunk. He leaped so high I taught he grew wings flew to heaven and came back. The crowd roared for the opposing team. What was my best friend doing out there? The score was forty-nine to sixty-one.
“We are swords, swords win” the cheerleaders chanted. which was the stupidest chant in the county. It was better than last year’s though ,”Katana, we cut to win”. The only good thing about the cheerleaders was Brook. Brook was my girlfriend. She chanted holding her pom poms.Her creamy skin glistening ,her bright shaved legs. The best thing about her was her eyes .They were blue, they always matched her cheer leading attire. When I looked in her eyes it was like a trance. A zone you cant leave from, because you are so happy. Sometimes I ask my self how I got her. Even though I caught her making out with Lenny in my own bed.Lenny was passionately grabbing her ass, while they exchanged tongues.
“Yes Ms.smith “
”Go get me a hot dog honey baby” she handed me the money.
“Ms.Smith you are already fat, why more food”? I imagined saying that to her if I was a man. If I said that to her, Lenny would probably insert his size fifth teen foot down my ass .I politely grabbed the money and went toward the concession stand. While walking past the team. The coach was chewing them out.
“Lenny, what’s going on with you”?
“I have to take a big shit “he whispered in an awkward way.
“Then go take it Lenny”
“Coach won’t let me “.
“I want my starting lineup to get it together now”! Coach carter screamed. His face was red from anger. He looked like an out of shape Vin diesel. While walking he gave me a mean glare.
”what are you doing here”? He sounded like a wolf protecting its food.
“Oh I’m just walking, and I like what you did with your hair” I said with a small grin. His face got even more red. I retreated the scene, as fast as I could walk. Causally walking to the snack stand like I own the school.
“Hey where is the janitor’s room” a girl said directly in front of me. Her smile was pretty, she looked pretty familiar. She also had a lot of make up on for some reason.
“No I don’t, do you go here”? I said while posing like a mighty super hero with my chest up. She let out an awkward laugh with a little snort like a pig.
“No I don’t go here, can you help me look for the janitor’s room”? Her facial expression was very desperate, I could not resist.
“Sure” I said with a big smile.
“What do you want to do at the janitor’s room anyway”?
“You will see “she said while grabbing my hand and running towards the dark hallway down the school. Her hands were sweaty but I didn’t care.
“Do you know where we are heading” I said while trying to catch my breath. Suddenly she stops right in front of the empty cafeteria.
“This is not the janitor’s closet”.
”I know “she said with a calm tone. Out of nowhere she pushes me in the cafeteria. I trip and fall in the room. The girl slowly walks in front of me .One girl comes of the darkness to her right. Another comes from the darkness to her left. They pose like the Miami heats big trio. The girl on the right is fat, she grins with a gap in her teeth. The gap is about a two inches wide. Her teeth are terribly yellow .Also she still wears big Bell bottom jeans from the 80’s.The one on the right is quiet looking, she hasn't smiled or opened her mouth. She is skinny and has a little snot coming down her nose. I have seen both of those girls in school. The ugliest girls in school, but something was missing.
what is going on” I said in a alarmed voice.
“Your about to find out” the girl said while reaching for her hair. It was a wig; she had no hair. She rubbed the make off her face.
“Muhaha” she laughed passionately. It was Gilda, the ugliest girl in Echo County. That was everyone's opinion.
“Eww you guys are like the ugly duckling” I screamed.
“Actually you are the ugly ducklings” I said it in joking way. No laughter was followed by them. Gilda smiled at me “you are going to do what we tell you to do”.
“What do you guys I mean girls want”? All there eyes opened wide they said simultaneously “your going to give us some dick”.
“Let me see, three ugly ducks, one guy, hell no”! I got up “that’s like drinking toilet water; I rather lick Coach Carters bald head”.
“You have no choice” they said simultaneously while walking to me.
“Are you guys joking, get away from me”! They were not listening; I had no choice. I put my hands up like an old-time brawler preparing for the worst. The fat girl ran to me first screaming “gimme gimme gimme”! Her voice was deep like a man, so I gave her a knuckle sandwich only for men. She fell back absorbing the punch in her face like I punched a pillow. Gilda bolted toward me, grabbing my face and kissing it. It was wet ,her make up smudged on my face. I threw my right foot at her face, she quickly dodged it by moving back. Her grin got bigger “my first kiss from a boy, yes” she said with excitement.
“Eww you animal” while trying to wipe every bit off my face. The skinny girl as quit as a raccoon leaped behind me .Holding on to my back, one hand reaching for my belt buckle. My instinct kicked in I quickly elbowed her in the stomach. I heard a loud fart sound, she backed up holding her stomach. snot ran down her nose like a waterfall .
“This is weird I’m telling the whole school about this “.The three girls surrounded me like a dot in the middle of a triangle. My mind could not keep up with what was going on.
“Why are you doing this”? My last attempt to stop them. In a simultaneous voice “because we are thirsty”. In a blink of a eye the fat girl jumped in my face. She let out a big burp. I fell back , the smell was the worst smell of my life .It was like armpits and cow pie. I began to get very dizzy .Gilda came in my face “Leanard thank you for dick” she kicked the lights out of me. I wake up “that was a crazy dream last night” I murmured. I look up , my mom is behind some metal bars. No I am behind the bars. It’s a cell ,”mom” !My mom looked surprised to see me awake .She walked over to me in a hurry .In the most horrific voice she screamed “Leanard Montelle Bozard what the fuck happened to your clothes”!

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94 Reviews

Points: 6016
Reviews: 94

Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:34 am
Nook wrote a review...

This story was... more weird than "hilarious."

The story didn't make sense, although I DID enjoy reading this for some crazy reason. XD
You're really not that bad of a writer, you know, if you could work on your punctuational and grammar a bit.

So, I guess it's lesson time! :P

Pay close attention. O.o

"I can’t believe we are losing this bad” I whispered to Lenny’s mom.

For this, make sure to type yer comma in before you close off your quotation mark. Especially if the sentence is still continuing with a "she asked" or "he said" or anything along those lines.

So, basically, "I...bad," I disagree with dogs. If it's a person speaking, it doesn't necessarily have to be in correct grammar.

“I want my starting lineup to get it together now”! Coach carter screamed. His face was red from anger. He looked like an out of shape Vin diesel. While walking he gave me a mean glare.

Same here, finish all your punctuation BEFORE you close of your quotation marks.

what is going on” I said in a alarmed voice.

You didn't SAY, but ASKED. *needs question mark*

The skinny girl as quit as a raccoon leaped behind me .

I don't understand the simile here. Quiet as a raccoon? Now, I don't know if raccoons are quiet or not. You might want to use a more familiar or easily-understandable comparison here. Or maybe I'm just dumb. -.-" IDK lol.

In fact, you use A LOT of similes and metaphors in this work. So much that it overpowers most of what you're trying to say. Even the action sequences are riddled with bits and pieces of unconnected descriptions which aren't really necessary in fighting scenes and stuff.

And "Simultaneous! You used that way too much near the end. It was awkward. Try to find a synonym instead of just simultaneous this or simultaneous that. ^^"

Overall, don't mean to be mean here, but go and learn your punctuation! XD You write good stories, but presentation and clarity is also important, dude. Important as the colour red is to blood. It like, DESCRIBES the whole thing. Right? Wahh, that was lame. ANYWAYS, grammar, punctuation! Go! Read! Now! xD

VersatileJames23 says...

Ahh lol ,thanks that helped.

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Tue Feb 19, 2013 12:41 am
dogs wrote a review...

"we are losing this bad"

Grammar error, this should be "losing this badly." Also, The Katana swords for a basketball team? Lol, made me chuckle a bit but I think you could maybe make a better basketball team name, unless the ridiculousness of their title is adding to the story.


Ok, always for names the last name should be capitalized and there should be a space after the period. So it should look like: "Ms. Smith."

"you better not miss another shot"!

All punctuation should go inside the quotation. So it should look like: "you better not miss another shot!" Try to do some editing before you post and catch this little grammar errors.

"I taught he grew wings and..."

You mean "thought," not "taught." Taught is the past tense of to teach.

"which was the stupidest chant in the country."

I like the humor you put into this line here, but every letter after a period should be capitalized. Do some reviewing over your grammar before you post your work, it makes it difficult for the reader to get through your writing.

"coach carter screamed"

Who is coach carter? He/she hasn't been introduced to the reader yet and than poof he's yelling at the team. I'm a little confuzzled, try to define all your characters as early as possible.

"No i don't, do you go here"

This line is weird because the question was "Do you know where the janitor's closet is." So than the response should be "I don't know,"

Ok......... that ending.... a little beyond messed up. Of course this is a horror but A: it should have a rating on it about age appropriateness. B: What's the point in your writing this piece. It just seems like a story about a guy who gets raped by some "ugly girls." Which doesn't seem to have any deeper meaning or a point that it's driving across to the reader. Try to clarify that point, also do some grammar check before you post, otherwise it just becomes difficult to read. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

VersatileJames23 says...

Thanks for the criticism.I'm going to work more on my grammar.

There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett