The First Day
Everyone is big. Everyone is tall, all those humans.
A man came in today. He looked at me funny and asked Breeder something. I heard the words "two hundred dollars" and "Monday". I am not sure what Monday is, but the dollars sounds familiar, like when Breeder screams at her mate in her shrill voice about these dollars. I was in a carrier, and when I was let out I see Ger being plucked up and examined and then plopped down. The man stares at me with his blackish eyes. I cower, wondering what he would want to do with me or my half-brother.
He grabbed me and examined my muzzle and paws and teeth. He asked Breeder another question and I could feel his chest rumbling deep, like a growl. I imitated him, wanting to be put back on my feet on the nice cold concrete. With a final nod, he set me down and I shook, trying to rid his scent. Paw over nose, I watched them, trying not to smell his acrid odor. Like rusty iron and drink, and not being washed.
The man left giving Breeder a paper with symbols on it. He mentioned that "dollars" word again with a strange look and then at me again and left. I jumped when I heard the door slam. I cowered with my half-brothers, who wrinkled their noses at me and Ger, the scent that was left. I lapped up some water and sighed, my head buzzing of the bad-smelling man and a chill up my spine.
The Second Day
Blurs of black and white, not gray, not sliver-- as if we were undecided from being black or white, so we became both. Hair and deep dark eyes. We could all be mirror images if looked at from a distance, us Border Collies
All ten of us crowded though in a big room. We have been raised here for two years, me and Ger, and my half-brothers one. Breeder is a different species of us. She knows us well. We learned the word "breeder" from its frequent use here, mainly directed to her. So she is Breeder, with her fiery hair and gargantuan height and sharp, shrill voice like bee stings.
Grubb, Bear, my half-brother, called. He is the biggest. Rowdy and loud, the bully of our pack. Who was that Man? He smelled so...
Strange. Geb offered in meek voice. Opposite of Bear, he was usually afraid of many things, his tail tucked between his little legs.
And as if on cue, that man came again. He bent down to the cage and smiled a crocked smile making me want to howl and bark. I was frozen in his gaze, stiff and paralyzed. "Howdy, Grubb. We're a'gonna be good friends," the Man drawled.
Breeder was handed a pasty envelope and I had a leash put on me. I felt like a prisoner now, for I could not run when the door opened. I cast a glance back at my brothers, who all hid as far from the Man as possible. Breeder said something to the Man who was overly nice now. He ruffled my head and itched my pinned-down ears.
I heard that word "Monday" again and "checking on". What were they talking about. I whimpered to Ger who looked smaller and more frightened than ever. Dragged by the Man and my neck strained and burned by the leash, I was out the door and to a big metal thing. Inside the belly of the metal monster, it was hot and sticky. I instantly became thirsty. The Man roared, I assume he laughed, and the thing moved speedily down the road, making me almost wee on the soft bottom of the belly. Where was he taking me?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Aw this was good. I love Border Collies (I have one - he's a Blue Merle). Like clograbby mentioned, you've got the innocence and naivete down to a tee. I thought it was clever how you referred to their breeder as 'Breeder' and how they knew certain words from over-use and them being targeted in a specific direction.
I thought you could explain what is happening more... but only a little.
A great job!
"Breeder" is a human, kind of like a human companion to them. they do not love her, but she is all that they know of the human world and learn much from her.
I love the first two lines. Congrats on stepping into the narrative naturally.
I know you need to tell the story, but the one thing I couldn't mess with was the latching onto parts of the conversation. Why does the dog only understand some of it? I honestly can't suggest a solution.
The "we are blurs" statement seemed odd. I would clarify or cut.
Grammar notes:
You seem to use the work "assume" to much. I know you're trying to set knowledge limits, and that's hard, but try to (cliche warning) show, not tell.
Also, I'm not sure, but I think you need a quotation mark in the line "What were they talking about" in the last paragraph. Otherwise its a fragment. Not that fragments are bad, but that one sticks out.
Overall, I like the concept- dog stories don't often get told because they are hard to do while staying real- so keep writing.
My suggestion.
I love the innocent tone of this. Overall, it's a very nice story. It's a little confusing in some parts - describing the breeder - but for a dog story it still is very nice.
Mainly what got my attention is the title. I eyed it when you first posted and have been meaning to read it since then, simply because I can't resist the title.
Good job! It was very descriptive. I just wanted to say that you do get kinda confused with the dog knowing about humans, and then being seemingly confused about what "Breeder" is. Other than that I love it! And review my stories too, when I post them. Love ya darling! Wonderful start!
-Rhiine
I actually like this. I've read a few stories from the POV of animals before but the main difference is that this one seems to make more sense. The dog doesn't know what anything is which is, I suppose, the way it would be.
I was going to give comments on each paragraph but it seems like a waste of time since I have nothing particularly useful to say.
Nonetheless, I have a few little issues which I'll point out...
Naturally, we assume the dog knows what humans are and can recognise them etc.
Now we're given the idea that the dog doesn't know what humans are and can't identify them.
The wording doesn't sound right. It's like two sentences mixed in together. Perhaps you could just lose the 'us Border Collies' and tell us that later.
Mhmm.
The wording isn't right again. It sounds like you mean that the dogs are the actual scent. Try changing 'the scent that was left' to 'his scent still on us' or something like that.
I assume you mean a crooked smile?
Always finish...oh, y'know right?
Well that's my commentary finished. I think you should watch the way you word things mostly. Other than that it was pretty good.
I assume you are continuing this story? It's got great potential. I am intrigued by the stranger and I want to find out if Grubb is going to be okay.
Anyways, it was good. Feel free to PM if you like.