Published September 12, 2009
When I'm 16 I'll steal chocolate and pick roses.
When I'm 17 I'll Eat cake and maybe someone will give me a key.
When I'm 18 I'll stay in hostels and be dirty.
When I'm 19 I'll probably through the key away.
When I'm 20 I'll learn to drink coffee.
When I'm 21 I'll wash dirt of my knees.
When I'm 22 I probably forget my morals.
When I'm 23 I might Pierce something, maybe.
When I'm 24 someone will be punched for calling me an adult.
When I'm 25 I'll be halfway to 50, and I'll be happy.
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I like this. It's simple but has a whimsical-like manner to it. I'd like to do nitpicks, but since lilymoore has done 'em, I'll just point out one thing:
"Pierce" sounds rather awkward here. I'd replace it with 'stab.'
Anyway, not bad, keep writing!
Hey there Hey! So, first off, I'm really glad I'm not 25 yet, cause I don't think I want to get that close to being 50. That seems so old.
So, right away, lets just look at a few nitpicks.
The 'e' in 'eat' shouldn't be capitalized.
Did you mean hotels? I don't understand the hostels part unless I'm missing something.
This should be 'throw'.
'off' not 'of'
Okay, I've got an issue with these three lines in that they suddenly lose the scheme of the poem, being that you use "I'll" up until these three lines. The first one is probably just a typo. In the second line, I would maybe try saying: "When I'm 23 I'll pierce (lower case on 'pierce' by the way)something...maybe." And on the third line, I would just instead say: "When I'm 24 I'll punch someone for calling me an adult."
Structure and Elaborating
Okay, I think you could definitely do more with this becaue you have an idea here that could really tap into a lot of feeling and emotion. I mean, what you have here are just some blank step by step events. But you could delve into the feelings that are felt with each year. Why are you stealing the chocolate and picking the roses? What's with this key when your seventeen, and why will you give it away when you're 19?
Ask these questions, then write down your ideas. Then go back and alter the structure a little. And here is just an example but I would love to see this more like:
When I'm 16...
I'll steal chocolate and pick roses
Because if I don't get them for myself
There's no one to give me any
That is just an example (a bad one at that) but this is proof as to why I don't write poetry.
Anyway, I did enjoy it, but you could take this so much further. Anyway, if you have any questions, please feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to answer.
~lilymoore