Published July 29, 2009
Boxes hide what they want to show
Like jealous little children
Crying for attention
Salty tears of longing
Claustrophobic nightmare
Outside is an airy dream
Clinging to scratching walls
Spiraling Down... to deep
All Living in boxes
Some of us enjoy it in
You'll never get hurt
As long as you don't try living
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141,700 Literary Works • 675,587 Reviews
Hello! Roon here, first off, I quite like this, I think it has potential. Couple of nitpicks to begin with:
I would say A claustrophobic nightmare, I think this would flow better to be honest.
Are the walls actually scratching? I don’t really understand this line. Maybe you mean scratchy walls? I’m not sure, but I’m probably missing an obvious point, so don’t worry! Unless you mean the protective walls are the things that hurt, I didn't explain that well, but I know what I mean!
Spiralling, there are two l’s. Also, I think you mean too deep.
This doesn’t really sound right, maybe you could try inside?
This really was my favourite line, it summed up the whole ideology of the poem for me, made it stand out, made me take notice, very well done!
Okay, there were some minor things, but overall, I liked this poem, it was simple and crisp and it clearly portrayed a message, to the reader, which is insightful and relevant. I really enjoyed this, so thank you for the pleasure of being able to read your work!
~ Roon