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Spit

by Venuschild


Spit

On the ground

On the leaves that burrow

Underneath

The fallen trees 

that those hippies found

Who tears rained on 

with mono sound

Those chuckers

 and their steel axes

Spit

With perspiration 

as a hard days end

Those fallen branches rot 

as time passes

Spit from the sky

Those daisies never had a chance

But somehow one day

They grew big and morphed

with petals hands

Then the leader of them all

Who had the beauty to make

Existence stall

Took the chuckers in her ridged hands

And crushed them to a morbid mess

As hard has any blossom ever can

And the hippies waved in raining blood

Their pink toes danced

Onto the newborn dirt

Baby beans sprung from all the hurt

From their

Spit

That soaked into the earth


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117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 7:38 pm
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Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, VenusChild!

This is Moonwatcher here for a Review Day review! ^-^

I would also like to say, welcome to the site! This is an extremely helpful community, and if you need any help, I'd suggest checking out the Welcome Mat in the forums.

I just want to point out all the bold. This may have been a stylistic choice, but I personally feel as if the poem would be better off in regular text. This isn't so much of a criticism, but just a personal thought, so you don't really have to listen to me.

I feel as if the poem is extremely choppy, and I have two recommendations for that. One being to split the poem up into stanzas, instead of being in one big chunk. The second recommendation is to add punctuation. Poetry doesn't /need/ stanzas, nor does it /need/ punctuation, but it may help with flow.

I would like to congratulate your fine imagery skills, but the meaning behind your poem was rather...obscure. I think it'd be better to make your images a little bit more clear, as I think it would fit better.

That's all I have to say about this poem, and I hope this review helped! ^-^




Venuschild says...


Oops forgot to add what I was trying to represent. The poem is kinda written in story format. It tells a story of men chopping (chuckers) trees down in a forest they ruined. They spit while working because of the dusty working conditions but their spit waters the grounds and blossoms grow into an abnormal beast crushing them all. The hippies represent the opposing side who were against the wood chuckers. I will take in all the considerations that you have gave me and add more. Thank you and sorry if I'm replying in the wrong spot. I'm still getting use to this site :p



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42 Reviews


Points: 84
Reviews: 42

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Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:17 pm
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mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hello @Venuschild,

Happy Review Day! I'm here from Team Spoopy Skeletons to review your piece.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It strikes a delicate balance between funky and artistic, and serious, and dark. The idea of reincarnation from something human and almost disgusting, like saliva, was interesting.


"Spit

On the ground

On the leaves that burrow

Underneath

The fallen trees

that those hippies found"

I wasn't sure what you meant by 'the leaves that burrow underneath the fallen trees'. Do leaves burrow literally? Or is this a personification of something? I would maybe elaborate a bit on this part.


"Who tears rained on

with mono sound

Those chuckers

and their steel axes"

I loved the description "with mono sound". It gives an incomplete feeling. What is a chucker? Does this refer to a chucker partridge?


"Spit

With perspiration

as a hard days end

Those fallen branches rot

as time passes

Spit from the sky

Those daisies never had a chance"

The fallen branches represent the passing of time well, in an almost eerie way, and I love the line "those daisies never had a chance." Perfect.


"But somehow one day

They grew big and morphed

with petals hands

Then the leader of them all

Who had the beauty to make

Existence stall

Took the chuckers in her ridged hands

And crushed them to a morbid mess

As hard has any blossom ever can

And the hippies waved in raining blood

Their pink toes danced

Onto the newborn dirt

Baby beans sprung from all the hurt

From their

Spit

That soaked into the earth"


Your ending contained powerful imagery, but I was a little lost. You paint the scene so well, I want to stress that, but I wasn't sure where it went. I think I was unsure of what the chuckers were, exactly, so I couldn't tell what the daisies were 'crushing'. If you clarify what each portrayal in this poem represents, I think the meaning would be easier to grasp.

Overall, I enjoyed this poem. Again, your imagery was well written and unique. Nice work, Venuschild. This was a distincitive and exceptional piece.

If you have any qustions, please feel free to drop me a PM.

Write On,

-mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com




Venuschild says...


Thank you everyone for the feedback! :)




"Come quickly, I am drinking the stars!"
— Dom Pérignon