Corps of Recovery: Part 3

by Ventomology

Published April 11, 2014

E - Everyone

In Ten's LMSC

Their spying nook turned out to be the second floor of a tower that overlooked the courtyard. After dragging a footstool to the window, both boys kneeled on it and peered out the window. Rudi found that he was a tad too short to see clearly, and ended up standing.

“Watch,” Simon ordered, grinning madly. He pointed to an equipment shed on the archers’ end of the yard where Axel and Elizabeth were already staring each other down. Their charges stood beside them, although with Vinnia it seemed more like she was clinging.

“I doubt they’ll actually fight, not with their first-years being around,” Simon said, “but they might issue a challenge. Hold on.” He strained his neck to see better and smiled.

Down on the ground, Vinnia tried to pull Axel away. She kept waving her arms at Rudi and Simon’s tower, clearly explaining something to her mentor. Of course, Axel would not be easily swayed from a fight with Elizabeth, and he stood his ground against her tiny frame. Rudi wished he could hear what they were saying.

It wasn’t long before Simon’s ‘challenge’ was issued. Based on the way the archers moved, clearing spots for two and pausing in their practice, this one would obviously be an archery contest. As Axel and Elizabeth took their places at the two free targets, others handed them their bows and three arrows.

“Axel’s going to win,” Simon whispered suddenly, “he hasn’t missed the bull’s eye since his second-year.”

“But what about Elizabeth? Surely she’s just as good.”

Shaking his head, Simon pointed again at the two mentors. “Look, even from here I can tell she’s nervous. Elizabeth’s strong suit is in hand-to-hand, not weaponry. She knows she won’t win.” It was true; Elizabeth appeared to be shaking in her boots.

Someone called out three short commands, the mentors notching and drawing in accordance. Then, on the last command, they let their arrows fly.

Immediately, Rudi knew Axel had hit his target’s center. He hadn’t seen the arrow—it had gone that fast—but he just knew. After following Elizabeth’s arrow to her target, where it hit dead center as well, he saw Axel’s arrow lodged firmly in the center. Next to him, Simon whispered a word of excitement.

The second arrows were shot just as their first ones, both hitting the bull’s eye, but with Axel’s clearly flying faster than Elizabeths.

Now the third, this was the one to watch. Simon spluttered something about the last arrows being differently tipped, bouncing up and down on the footstool as he watched. Leaning over the window sill, Rudi tried to see what was different about the arrows.

He never did find out. The commands echoed through the yard, “Bows up! Arrows notched! Release!” and Axel’s arrow twanged not a moment later. It was so close to his previous one that Rudi couldn’t even distinguish them.

Elizabeth on the other hand, had not fared so well. Her arrow drifted, landing just below the bull’s eye. And even though this contest had been made to release tension, everyone felt nervous about the result.

“C’mon,” Simon whispered, “blow your top, Elizabeth!”

Worried for the others in the courtyard, Rudi silently prayed that she wouldn’t lose her temper. Watching her blonde head flick between her target and Axel though, he started to think she might.

She did not. Elizabeth marched up to Axel and offered her hand. From the way Vinnia shifted her weight back and forth, Rudi wondered how much good that had done. The two mentors seemed to be glaring with quite a bit of enmity.

Simon nudged the younger boy. “I bet there’s going to be another showdown soon.”

“I hope not. I couldn’t breathe watching them fight.”

“Oh, come on. If you don’t learn to enjoy their competition, you’ll be miserable for the rest of the year.” As Simon returned the podium to its original place, Rudi continued watching out the window. Vinnia had dragged Axel away from the other mentor and was lecturing him on something. Even from here though, Rudi could see that her eyes were unfixed.

“Are you done there?” Simon asked, standing by the door. He pushed down the handle. “We should probably get back to Axel and Vinnia. I know you wanted to hear more of their architecture talk.”

By the time the two reached the courtyard again, the other pair had disappeared. Through the questioning of one of Simon’s fellow second-years, they learned that the other pair had left for the tailors in order to avoid Elizabeth while she showed Bridget the stables.

“It’s probably not a good idea to go to the tailors while Vinnia is getting measured,” Simon mused, tapping his chin, “so where do you think we should go next?”

Rudi shrugged; he didn’t really care as long as he saw everything before lessons started.

Suddenly, Simon’s face brightened. “I know! I’ll show you the dorms. Come on.” The older boy took off at a run, backpedaling as he waited for Rudi to catch up. They raced through the palace halls, scaring the wits from Chem and his mentor, Mari, as they stepped out of the kitchen.

“Simon!” Mari screamed, shaking a finger at him, “I had better not catch you teaching your first-year bad behavior!”

“Oh, leave off, Mari,” Simon said, “It’s not like you were any better.” He guided Rudi up a set of stairs, lowering his voice as he continued. “Mari looks like she can’t do much more than sleep, but she’s got the loudest voice you’ve ever heard. Granted, she mostly does sleep anyway.”

They emerged from the stairwell into a sparsely decorated hallway that ran in both directions. Before even looking at the sign in front of him, Rudi knew that the sparkling lines painted on either side of it were meant for gender separation.

“Right side’s for us, left side’s for girls,” Simon said. He dragged Rudi down the right side, shoes clacking on the stone floor. “If it’s before nine o’ clock evening and after seven in the morning, we can be on either side, but you’ll get zapped otherwise. Now then, I know I put up your tag just yesterday, so where… aha!”

One of the doors near the end of the hallway was marked with a paper tag with Rudi’s name. Simon pushed it open and gestured extravagantly for Rudi to go first. All of his belongings already sat, packed, atop a soft, saggy mattress. The desk on the other side was simple, with only two drawers, but there was a convenient place for a lamp right above it.

“It’s very nice,” Rudi said.

Tousling his hair, Rudi’s mentor walked in after him. “It’ll feel more like home as you unpack. C’mon, let’s see if Vinnia’s done with the tailors.”

Vinnia was, in fact, done with the tailors, and she and Axel had apparently moved on to the stables to pick out a mount. Rudi wondered if there was one small enough for her. After his measuring, he and Simon followed the other pair to the stables.

They heard her before they even saw the stables. Vinnia’s nasally voice said something about mountain ponies not being this big, and Simon motioned for Rudi to be quiet. They were going to sneak up on the other pair, whose backs faced them.

“You’ll grow into her, Vin,” Axel tried, stroking the muzzle of a grey mare.

“I know, I know, but it’s so different from the mountains.” She fingered her hair, staring blankly at the trees behind the horse. “I doubt I’ll ever be able to ride a real horse. My mother is puny.”

“Are you going to ride this one or not, Vin?”

Suddenly, Vinnia spun on her heels to face Simon and Rudi. “Stop it. You will never sneak up on me, so don’t try.” Turning back to Axel, she muttered that this pony was better than the other ones. It also happened to be the smallest. The older page didn’t hear her though, being too surprised by Simon and Rudi to pay attention.

“Axel, come on, this pony is fine. Let’s go.” She snatched the lead rope from her mentor’s hand and led the pony back to the stables so the stable master could put her down as its rider. Shrugging, Axel followed his charge.

“If you’re going to need help, ask now,” he said, “that girl can’t stand waiting around.”

The younger boys watched silently as Axel walked away, still a little shocked by Vinnia’s apparent psychic abilities. Although, once Rudi thought about it, she could have been using magic. Turning to ask Simon, he found that the older boy had already stepped forward to look at the ponies. He hurried to catch up, the musky smell of horses wafting past his nose.

It took far too long for Simon and Rudi to pick a mount. Even with Rudi trying to politely remind his mentor that this was his horse, Simon kept insisting on every horse that Rudi didn’t like. There was a beautiful tan gelding with black socks, but that one seemed a little too skittish for Rudi’s taste. When he pointed out a black mare with a pleasant attitude, Simon scoffed and urged him to pick something bigger.

“You’re going to use this horse until you’re at least twelve,” Simon explained, “pick something you can grow into.”

Eventually, they settled on a chestnut gelding that Simon thought would work physically, and Rudi reckoned would work temperamentally. By the time the stable master had everything written down, and Rudi had learned that his mount was ironically called ‘Rooster’, the spring sun was already beginning to set. Seeing the bright orange strip near the horizon, Simon jumped. He tugged Rudi back through the palace, dizzying the younger boy with twists and turns until they reached the classroom hall once again.

Panting, Simon threw the Count’s door open and shoved Rudi into the room. “Don’t worry,” he half-whispered, “the testing won’t hurt.” Then, abruptly as they’d come, Simon slammed the door shut and left Rudi to stand awkwardly by the door. Everyone’s eyes rested on him, except Vinnia’s, for she was stretching her arms lazily.

“I know it probably wasn’t your fault,” the Count said, striding across the floor, “but since you’ve already caused such a commotion, why don’t we test your magic first?”

Rudi cringed, despite his mentor’s warning. He’d just never used magic before; Pa had never taught him anything about it. What if he had to do a spell for it? As the Count gently guided Rudi to the center of the circle he’d been drawing earlier. Now, a few lines crossed its center, and writing lined the inside borders.

Staring at the other first-year pages, Rudi noted the confidence in Bridget and Chem’s eyes. They seemed quite sure that this would require a show of skill, and that they were the best. Count on the older kids being so smug like that.

“Alright then, Rudi,” the Count said, clapping his hands once, “if you’ll just close your eyes for a moment, we’ll get this over with nice and easy.”

Rudi obeyed. Suddenly, he felt the effects of the spell on the ground. It didn’t hurt, though it didn’t exactly feel pleasant either. If he had to describe it, the spell felt like someone teasing him by brushing feathers on his feet and sides.

“You may open your eyes, Rudi.” At his desk, the Count leaned over a piece of parchment with sparkling words on it. “And step off the circle, please.”

Doing just that, Rudi struggled to read whatever was written on the Count’s paper. Only one line had been filled, and the text shone in bright forest green, which must have been an expensive ink color. As he pieced together the upside-down letter, Rudi realized that his own name was stamped neatly on top of the page. On the other side, the number ‘ten’ was printed neatly.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jun 29, 2014

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Wasn't Vinnia just with Rudi and Simon? How did she get to the ground so quickly? I find that a bit confusing. Maybe go back and clear that up when you edit. Or maybe I just missed something. I tend to do that a lot...

I have to say, it's nice to get to know all of the mentors, the older kids. You could've just stayed with the younger kids, but you didn't. And since this is a school, I'm glad you didn't. We're going to have to get to know the older kids as well. Especially since it seems that the younger kids will be spending a lot of time with the older kids.

So we've gotten a good look at all of the school I think. We've at least seen most of it. Again, your descriptions have a certain purpose to them. You explained the way duels happen at the school by showing us how Axel and Elizabeth competed in archery. You told us that each student gets their own horse to grow up with by having Rudi pick out a horse. This is all showing. I don't see any place here where you're telling. And even if you do tell at some point, it's not so obvious to point out.

There's not much else I can say about this chapter. I apologize for the length and quality of this review, but it's all I could write. I truly enjoyed reading it and, like I said, your descriptions are nice. I'm going to go check out the next chapter now.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Apr 27, 2014

Here I am again!

Nitpicks first:

It wasn’t long before Simon’s ‘challenge’ was issued.


How is it Simon's challenge? I notice that you put the word in quotes, and yet it still says Simon's challenge when he in truth has nothing to do with it. He's watching from a tower.

Of course, I may have missed something in a previous chapter that explains this. But even if I did, it still doesn't make that much sense.

I love Vinnia (did I spell her name correctly?).

I don't know, she's just a quirky character whom I enjoy reading about.

And Rudi such a little dear.

All-in-all, this was a really good chapter. It developed the characters a little bit more, and expanded the plot.

Keep it up!

Happy Review Day!

~Teen~

Ah, I called it 'Simon's challenge' because he originally predicted it would happen. But I guess that's a confusing way of putting it... Hmmm
Thanks for pointing that out!

LostInMyBedroom wrote a review Review · Apr 11, 2014

After reading this chapter of your story, I must say that the plot is very intriguing and that your story-telling is quite good. I liked that parts of it reminded me a little of Harry Potter and the Hunger Games but your work is still very unique and its own. A few errors I came across dealt with some of the punctuation in the dialogue.

For instance:

“I doubt they’ll actually fight, not with their first-years being around,” Simon said, “but they might issue a challenge. Hold on.” He strained his neck to see better and smiled.

It can be corrected to:

“I doubt they’ll actually fight, not with their first-years being around,” Simon said, “but they might issue a challenge. Hold on”-he strained his neck to see better and smiled.

Since the action of Simon straining his neck is still part of the sentence, there is no period or capitalization of "he", unless you wanted to start a new sentence, then that action can be place down into its own paragraph.

Also some suggestions:

Instead of :

"After dragging a footstool to the window, both boys kneeled on it and peered out the window. Rudi found that he was a tad too short to see clearly, and ended up standing"

You can try:

"After dragging a footstool to the window, both boys knelt onto it and peered out the window, but Rudi was a tad bit too short to get a good view and settled on standing instead."

As well as:

“Watch,” Simon ordered, grinning madly."

It can be stated as:
“Watch,” Simon ordered as he grinned madly."

It just flows better when you go back and rephrase certain things. Overall areas for improvement would be to proof-read or have another set of eyes edit your story, to catch any spelling or grammar errors that may have gotten by you. As well as adding more imagery and description to certain aspects, such as in the first paragraph, where you had the opportunity to describe the courtyard to the reader. We get an idea of your character's personalities but expanding on those more with action words and powerful descriptions can really make a difference.

It has a lot of potential! Keep going!

Thanks a ton! I've had problems with those icky-flowing sentences before, so I'll be sure to keep an eye out for them.



i love me some swole chickens
— yosh