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Young Writers Society



Conics Unfortunately: 39

by Ventomology


The Independent Titan members who perpetrated the shooting at the ISTS were arrested within four hours of the attack, and the Un system’s international courts moved to decide jurisdiction immediately. So much of the event had been captured on video that Tejal and I were able to pass through the press and police without too much trouble; we were not needed as witnesses, after all.

“Well,” Tejal said in English, looking back at the crowd in the central platform, “what now?”

I flopped alongside him, fins heavy with how slow we were moving. “We could try the approach where we have lots of small investors.”

“And maybe some of the investors will be manufacturing partners,” Tejal added. “I kind of wish the reporters had been interested in asking questions that were not about the shooting. We might get meeting requests then.”

“Should we ask Ellie what places seem most promising?”

Tejal slouched in his chair, a grimace of discontent twisting his face.

“We can come up with our own list and run it by her then,” I suggested. Tejal liked to think he should not ask for assistance. Admittedly, I did not like to do the asking either, until I needed help raising my tadpoles.

This plan seemed acceptable, so as Tejal and I wandered down the floating pathway, to the platform where the Ink was docked, we tried to name cities and systems that were known for particular industries. By the time we reached the great, bulbous airport, the sky had turned a dark reddish purple, and the silvery clouds overhead were lit from below by the rainbow of gases beneath the conference complex. We had imagined conversing with the miners in Sauron and Un, consulting with a quality control advisory firm from Mao, and in general meeting with any society that might be eager to break from Spec Corp’s control over the intergalactic tech industry.

As the hangar door for our dock slid open, Tejal finished off a comment about a mass production design group on Nestor. His parents leapt to meet us, tails curling with worry, and the moment Tejal rolled over the threshold, both gato had crowded around him. Even from a tail-length away, I could hear the purrs of relief.

I remember being jealous that Tejal’s family could travel with us while mine was too large to go anywhere without much planning and fanfare.

But then Tejal’s tablet buzzed with a reply from Ellie, and I forgot to be envious. I flopped closer to the group, impatient for all of the few seconds it took for Crane to remove the tablet from the back of Tejal’s chair. I hauled myself up, hanging off of the armrests, and watched as Ellie’s face popped up on the screen.

“A call?” Tejal said in English. “That’s rare.”

Ellie laughed and fingered the ends of her long hair. “Oh, well, thanks to the generator you left with me, I got the ISTS news pretty quickly.” She changed quickly to a stern frown and asked if either of us were hurt, and how the attack affected our sales pitch.

“We were able to deliver our presentation,” I told her, “but the fair was cancelled. We have yet to hear from any interested investors.”

Rubbing her temples, Ellie sighed. “I almost wish things were still like the old days. Before the trials started, at least Independent Titan was on a leash.”

“How are those going, by the way?” Tejal asked, eyes still trained on the subtitles that scrolled along the bottom of the screen. Adding that to Mouthbot’s repertoire had been an excellent decision. “Most of the news outlets have been pretty quiet about the whole thing.”

“Most of the news outlets are restructuring in preparation,” Ellie said, a resigned smile curling her lips. “But seriously, if you two are not getting investors, I can pull some strings for you.”

I would have happily accepted help. Ellie’s endorsement carried weight in every part of the known universe, after all. But I understood that Tejal wanted to make it without her. We would be stronger then, if something were to go wrong on her end, and Ellie had already given so much.

Lips pursed, Tejal took a long moment to consider the wording of his answer. “It might be safer long term if we aren’t associated with Andra-Media.”

“True, true.” Ellie returned to grinning and threw her arms wide, as though she might try to hug us from behind the screen. “But anyways, you wanted to know how the trials are going?”

It is common knowledge now, how the trials went, and how dramatic each dip and turn was, but at the time, Tejal and I always worried about whether Ellie’s lawyers could hold out another week. As she spoke of juries and evidence and market manipulation, I listened in riveted silence with the rest of the Ink’s crew.

Ellie finished that summary with a brief comment about how hard it was to keep to the story her lawyers wanted. She wanted to write a book or a poem about it all, but she was not supposed to release anything to the publicfor the time being, in order to keep the jury neutral. This she said with a dramatic roll of her eyes, and then she looked back at me and Tejal and crinkled her eyes in a wistful smile.

“I know I said I was going to come back to you two right after this mess with Andra-Media ends,” she said in her native tongue, to make sure that Tejal and I received the news at the same time, “but I think I want to attend university after this is all over.”

“Seriously?” Tejal gasped. I could not decide if he was proud or disappointed, though when we attended Ellie’s graduation, his wide-eyed stare was definitely born from pride, so I will extrapolate and assume he was pleased about the announcement.

I felt my gills flutter in the excitement. “Good for you,” I told her. “We will miss you, but we will still cheer you on.”

- A Rough Translation of Focci's Ballad


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Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:37 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Oooh a Focci chapter!

Before even nit-picks - I have said it before, and I will say it again. Any chance you could indicate this is a Focci chapter at the top? I spent the first ten seconds going like what in the name of god did i forget from the chapter i read five minutes ago???

Nit-picks:

anything to the publicfor the time being

If your only nit-pick is a missed space you are doing very well indeed.

his wide-eyed stare was definitely born from pride

If it's a question now, how is Focci sure of this before? Also, is that her going back for a post-grad then? Her talking about going to university and then her graduation being used for an example without an explanation is a little confusing.

Overall:

Random thing, what does Focci mean by saying he will miss her? They're already talking on a video call, which suggests to me that she's not travelling with them anymore. Why then, can't they continue to video call wherever she goes to attend university?

This was a very good example of a flashforward. You gave just the right amount of information, and did so casually, which was good. You threw up a lot of questions - is Ellipse Elliot after all? Is this a different "Ellie" they're talking about? What happens in the trial if it is Ellipse? I'm hoping these are the kinds of things you're wanting to be running through my mind at this point.

Only thing is that these seem a little bit oddly spaced out. Why am I getting a Focci flashforward now? I think it would be useful if something that happened in the flashforward related in some way to the previous chapter so that I have something to anchor it to. Not only would that be less of a jolt, it would raise the stakes of what is happening in the present time, and mean that the questions I have just now carry over into the next chapter, which will presumably be back to regular time.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:33 pm
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Admittedly, I did not like to do the asking either, until I needed help raising my tadpoles.


o-o

*screams in happiness*

So! First things first, let's cover the boring grammar stuff:

"anything to the publicfor the time being"


That's pretty self-explanatory.

"This plan seemed acceptable, so as Tejal and I wandered down the floating pathway, to the platform where the Ink was docked, we tried to name cities and systems that were known for particular industries."


I feel like the flow of this is awkward, thanks to the placement of the commas. Ideally, that second comma shouldn't exist, since it interrupts a train of thought that doesn't need to be stopped. If you wanted, you could include a commas between "so" and "as," as that might be more grammatically correct, but it doesn't have much of an impact on the flow. It's your call, in other words.

And now I can get into the plot! I'm a little disappointed I have to wait just a bit longer for the fight scene, but I'm in love with this chapter. Primarily, I'm happy that you addressed the Titan-Earth situation at this point in time. Even as a side comment, it outlines how Titan is held "on a leash" during the majority of the story, only to awaken again as a chaotic and destructive force in these future segments. That answers just about all the questions I had on the topic in only a few words, so I'm impressed with your abilities there. In the meantime, you also elaborate why Ellie/Ellipse hasn't joined the rest of the group. It appears that her identity has been exposed, since her name is connected to Andra-Media. At the same time, they haven't fully caught her, and she's in the midst of a legal battle to either save herself or weaken Andra-Media's grip (probably both). Though she definitely lacks the resources and funds that Andra-Media has, I'm hopeful that the resulting scandal will be enough to crack Andra-Media's resolve, and perhaps resolve her complicated situation concerning Andra. Her spirit and warm personality are written beautifully; I'm pretty happy that she's still the team mom.

At this point, I will admit to being confused towards the end. I'm not sure what language Ellipse is speaking at first, but it's presumably something that Focci can understand but Tejal can't (as he's focusing on the subtitles). Then Ellipse switches to what I believe is Global Gliss (actually, I'm not too sure what her native tongue is), which both of them can understand. So, what language is she using at the start, and what language is she using at the end? Regardless, the conversation is fantastic. Everyone seems to be content with their situations - Tejal has his loving parents, Focci has a big family, and Ellipse is going to pursue university studies. There are doubtlessly plenty of obstacles, but I see a lot of hope here. All in all, the chapter is inspirational and fantastic, answering plenty of the questions that I had. The mystery of who exactly Ellipse is still stands, since her being connected to Andra-Media and having respect can mean quite a lot of things, but this probably dives closer to the heart of the story than in past chapters. Well done!




Ventomology says...


I feel like Ellipse probably tends to switch languages when she's talking to the boys. That should be something for me to clarify in all the chapters, not just this one.

Thanks as always! I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter so much!



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Sat Nov 18, 2017 4:23 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



SO THIS IS WAY LATE. Sorry about that, I completely forgot even after you poked me. This is why I'm so good at writing old ladies.

Okay, so we know these posts-from-the-future are sort of hard for me to review because I can't really evaluate character development to this point or plot progression, because I haven't seen the steps in between. So I can see that at this point in the story we have the relationship between Focci, Tejal, and Ellipse further developed, and based on what I've read of the main story this seems like a reasonable point for their relationship to be at once we get this far. Although I do kind of wonder how Tejal would react to the realization that Ellipse actually is just the person he thought she was when they first ran across each other, like presumably he'd feel kind of betrayed but then eventually he'll have to forgive her enough for them to get to this point.

And then we get this, almost a spoiler? because we see that Ellipse now has been associated with Andra-Media, publicly, and there's some kind of trial going on about that, but I also still see plenty of room for tension and suspense as we continue throughout the story, knowing that Ellipse IS going to get caught at some point, but we don't know just when or how or, like I said, what she's going to go through with Focci and especially Tejal because of it.

So those are my thoughts re: character development and plot progression. And then of course you still have the usual nice touches of world-building, and for these future chapters I also really enjoyed bits like this.

Admittedly, I did not like to do the asking either, until I needed help raising my tadpoles.


Which kind of gives away something about the future of one of our major characters, but without going into 100% detail that doesn't leave anything to readers' imaginations.

Overall, the main thing I can say on this chapter is that I was far less confused reading this one than I have been reading the other things-that-happen-in-the-future chapters. I don't know if it's actually because the chapter is clearer, though; it might be because I've read more of the story so I know vaguely what you're talking about when it comes to Andra-Media and Ellipse's trial. But if that's the case, the other chapters might only have confused me because I hadn't read so far yet.




Ventomology says...


Honestly, it might be a mixture of both on why this particular future chapter is clearer. The others delved less into the action and dialogue, and before this part, I hadn't really revealed what Ellipse's intentions were, so I can see where you're getting the clearness vibes from.

Thanks again! Don't worry about being late. I know you'll get to things eventually.



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Mon Nov 13, 2017 6:58 pm
BluesClues says...



*poke me if I don't get to this by Wednesday*





Monster is a relative term. To a canary, a cat is a monster. We're just used to being the cat.
— Henry Wu, "Jurassic World"