Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
You know I hate you with my fire in the belly,
You know I love you with my heart and head,
nevermind I don't know what I want, I want to have the power to have nothing
The power to know what I dont want.
I once heard that there are unknown knowns and known unknowns but all those unknown unknowns and known knowns and unknowns is driving me insane
so insane I dont know who I know is me is me anymore
fuck this life it sucks. Fuck this time on the Earth its so fleeting and shitty. Yet we cling onto whatever the fuck we have. A little hut in the desert held on by rags
Then theyre the motherfucks who have all the riches.
I swear these bitches have the power, fortune, and fame,
I hear the opposite of love is indifference,
and these are the most indifferent-est assholes you'll ever meet,
dont you think they think of you, they don't give a fuck.
I know I don't.
The difference between me and them is that I'm a nice asshole,
The difference between me and you is everything,
I want to be a change, I dont need to just change, i want to be the change.
The biggest nigga since Ghandi, Malcolm X, and Abraham Lincoln.
I dont need to just pull up in that lincoln,
flashin my dead presidents,
I have a dream like Martin King
I want to be a king but it seems unnattainable,
I dont want to be just dust or buried in a box 6 feet under.
My entire existence needs to be bigger than I could dream
a quixotic dream from a little fish in a tiny pond.
everybody got problems but I feel like a million pounds,
you know you got problems when you steal from a car,
trying to get money for the next hit,
You dont give a fuck and sociopathy is your new path-y.
Yup thats me, the sociopath hiding in your shower,
waiting to steal the diamond on your finger,
at the same time putting on a face to mask the urge to put the finger on the trigger,
thirsting for the chance to squeeze.
So elect me as youre leader,
I'm a nice asshole.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think a mistake a lot of people make about stream of consciousness is that it's completely unfiltered. Far from it. Effective use of the stream of consciousness style is heavily edited and formatted.
For example, it's a lot like dialogue in a story. If you were to write how people actually talk, you'd end up writing something like this:
"Uh, so I'm going to the store. Milk, celery, bread... uh, what else?"
"Uh, I can't remember."
It's boring and comes across as unrealistic even though that's how real conversations actually go. The vast majority of what we say is actually quite awkward and clunky! In fact, watch a political pundit on TV, and then read the transcript. When you listen to them, you probably understand everything. When you read the transcript, though, it's usually impossible to follow.
So to create natural sounding dialogue, it needs to be done in a completely artificial way that sounds completely natural, which is really tough. It's the same with stream of consciousness. You need to convey it in such a way that seems natural, yet is really completely artificial! Just like natural sounding dialogue is not how people talk at all, good stream of consciousness is not at all how we really think.
In this case, I think what you did is actually a really good poetic exercise. Just letting the words flow onto the page is a great way to generate ideas, and to generate future poems.
I must agree with defyinggravity. When I first started reading it seemed like a rather generic poem and it just got worse from there in my eyes.
When I read this line it did show some potential - other than the lack of an apostrophe in 'don't'
However as I read on the poem just became rather immature. I am far from against swearing as I find that it can add qualities to a writing piece but here it just adds nothing but a juvenile feeling.
This line, oh god. It was just terrible - and it pains me to be so harsh. Your usage of the word 'nigga' is highly offensive. Quiet frankly I was almost disgusted by it. I believe you were aiming for humour but you swigged and missed.
Like defyinggravity also said insulting a reader is not a good way to keep them interested in your piece. I believe you were trying to engage the reader but it had the opposite purpose.
All in all this poem I did not like at all. Which pains me to say as some parts did have potential.
Thanks for the criticism without any points on improving. While I do appreciate you reading my work, I don't care if you were offended. Not all poetry is written to be beautiful or sexy, maybe my work was written to disgust? In that case I would have been successful. That wasn't my intention though, but keep that in mind when you review works and comment appropriately.
No. I don't want to be mean, but this isn't poetry. Well, not to me. The first letter of every line should be capitalized. You have so many spelling errors it isn't even funny. In the beginning, you go from a nice, emotional poem with the almost comical "unknown" theories. Then you launch into "I hate my life" and stuff like that. And you use so many profanities. It wasn't professional and I don't like the way it was executed.
This seems more of a rap to me than poetry. You don't use punctuation. Would it kill you to use an apostrophe? In the middle of the poem you say things like "nobody cares about you" stuff like that. Insulting the reader like this is not a good way to keep them reading. This poem has no rhythm, and it has more profanities than intelligent words.
First, you're philosophical with the "unknown" stuff. Then you're angry with he swear words. Then you throw a pity party by saying "my life sucks" stuff like that. Then you're angry again and next we have crazy and sociopathic. I know this is harsh, but honestly, this was just... yikes.
The part that I actually liked was at the beginning when you talk about being frustrated with the unknown unknowns. That made perfect sense to me, and I thought it was beautiful. It was something I could relate to, being frustrated about not knowing.
The spelling errors were kept there on purpose, I didn't revise anything except some annoyances. Stream of consciousness means I didn't follow up with editing my work. The beginning was probably better than the rest of the overall piece because I began the piece using a general topic, the unknowns in the world. The profanities are part of my vocabulary, I use them a lot, so they're in my poem. I appreciate the criticism (being non-sarcastic). I agree that it is closer to rap than poetry, but rap blurs the line between it I would argue. I didn't use many stops because I aimed for the piece to be whatever was in my head. It was like thinking without any stops. My intention wasn't to keep the writer reading, I would like people to see my written thoughts, but I didn't write with that effect in mind. Thank you for the review, but you reviewed a traditional artsy fartsy poem. Not the piece that I had written.
No I was reviewing your poem. I can see why you would use swear words to emphasize your point, but not to this degree. I'm truly sorry, I just didn't think this poem seemed professional. Parts of this poem worked, and parts didn't. These were just my thoughts on it. There are ways to be unique in poetry and to express anger and pain without using MOSTLY swear words as adjectives. Swear words aren't meant to be used as vocab, they are fillers.