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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
So I am going help u with the formatting here
Who is that girl that follows me?
Who is that girl who stares?
Who is that girl who pinches and kisses me?
Who is that girl who freaks me out?
Who is that girl that hates me?
Who is that girl that I hate?
Who is that girl that scares me?
Who is that girl that I fear?
Who is that girl that touches me,
In places that should never be touched?
Who is that girl that asks me things
That should never be said out loud?
Who is that girl that follows me?
Who is the girl who stares ?
Who is that girl?
Who is that girl?
I want to ask her Why does she want to hurt me?
This is how I think the poem should be like... just a suggestion though... trust me the poem was awesome btw and I loved it
Keep writing
Happpy review day
Umaima
I think for this peom you should put it into lines ratehr than having a block.
When we lay out the poem like this we can see how repetitive the "who is that girl" is, and unfortauntely it gets annoying.
We can try something like this to fix it.
Who is that girl that follows me?
The girl who stares, who pinches,
and kisses me?
Who is that girl who freaks me out?
Hates me? The girl that I hate?
Who is that girl that scares me?
The girl that I fear?
Who is that girl that touches me,
In places that she should never.
Who is that girl that asks me things;
things that should never be said out loud?
Who is that girl?
Who is the girl?
I want to ask;
Why she wants to hurt me?
I love and appreciate what you have tried to do here. But there are quite a few things wrong with this piece. Sorry.
You need to separate the lines so that this isn't one, large incoherent paragraph. It looks like stream of consciousness which is okay... but you need to separate your ideas. The use of question marks in a repeated fashion emphasises your point about the confusion felt by the character - although you don't actually clarify who that is.
I can't fault the language use, because it is very basic. So just to be picky: 'I want to ask her...' This needs some sort of punctuation, a comma or colon. Because it looks out of place in amongst everything else.
That's all. Good job.
Hi there! Just a quick review
I agree with Homeschooled that you should break it up into stanzas. I also think you should just check out the grammar you've got here. Take a good look at your relative pronouns. I just changed them in quote here, to simplify things:
"that" is only used for inanimate (not alive) objects, whereas "who" and "whom" are for persons.
I also felt that you had a little too much repetition here. Repetition in free verse is good, because it binds the poem together. At the same time, though, too much can make it abstract and weak, with too little substance. Break it up with a few "normal" lines, for example:
They say the same thing, but you have more space, so you can say it in a more interesting manner
That's it from my side
Keep writing!
barefoot
Tahnk you for the review XD
This was pretty good, but I would break it up a little differently and add some more punctuation. It'll be easier to show you than to explain it.
Breaking it up like this prevents it from feeling like a run-on sentence.
Your content is very good, as well as your spelling and grammar. Overall, except for the formatting, this was very well written.
Although I'm left wondering who the girl is, unless the narrator is speaking of herself in thir person.
Peace,
HT
Thanks for the review. YWS messed up my formatting which is annoying and nothing I try gets it right.
Creepy