In the crossed-line of melancholy,
One sits and waits patiently,
Smiling at chaos
Praying to loss.
One feels clumsy
In this incomprehensible intensity,
A fleeting look, a laugh
While every feeling is split in half.
My eyes burn, My hands twitch
It is all too kitch.
And all this time we wait
for the other to fixe the first date.
We sit around a cliché in the shape of a dove,
Who are we, is it not love?
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good luck and Amazing. I'm happy I read this. I could feel the emotion and can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work I plan to read more of your work when I have time. Hope to see more of you soon!!!! Well I'm posting part of chapter six of my story ^^ I have much homework to plan...*sighs* evil business. *pouts* Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!!!!
Soulkana<e
I like this poem a little better then the other. I guess it all just depends on the poem. The only thing it's missing is a little more color. I feel like I've read this sort of thing many times before. I guess that's what people mean by cliche. It was just a little ironic that you included the exact word in your poem. xD
I would have loved to have seen more stanzas like the that first one. The second was pretty nice, too. Also the line where it goes, "A fleeting look, a laugh. ." Those are the kind of lines that get me. Brilliant.. I didn't much care for the closing lines. I think it could have been a lot better. You clearly have the ability to write something more poetic.
In the crossed-line of melancholy,
One sits and waits patiently,
Smiling at chaos
Praying to loss.
#FF4040 ">i don't think you need those commas, any of them. also, you don't have to capitalize the first letter on each line. Some computers do it for you, but you should yell at it and tell it to stop. I like smiling at chaos and praying to loss.
One feels clumsy
In this incomprehensible intensity,
A fleeting look, a laugh
While every feeling is split in half.
#FF4040 ">i don't really like incomprehensible intensity. I like every feeling being split in half though.
My eyes burn, My hands twitch
It is all too kitch.
And all this time we wait
for the other to fixe the first date.
#FF4040 ">is it supposed to be fixe? Anyway i like the word kitch, i thought it worked well as a rhyme with twitch, although the burning eyes thing is a bit cliche.
We sit around a cliché in the shape of a dove,
Who are we, is it not love?
#FF4040 ">strong ending I think, it's totally mysterious and sort of surreal. The thing I want more of is sensory detail, there is a little bit in here, but I want more, and I think in a future piece or maybe in a revision of this piece is for you to push that surreal thing as far as it will go, really push it. That's what I'm into. Hope i helped a little
best,