Young Writers Society

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

So I noticed that the text is a little big here. I don't have a problem with that since it's easier to read than it would smaller with the different-than-usual font. This did make me notice more of the overall aesthetic here and the structure, which is something that I'll be commenting on. To be more specific than that, I have a couple issues with the consistency of the grammar in this poem.

In the first stanza, the last line doesn't end with a period as I expected it to. This is something that I found odd since in the other two stanzas we end with a period and generally this poem decides to use regular punctuation with no changes or taking out (whether it be of punctuation completely, periods, or some other modification of what it would be if this were following normal grammar rules). Add that there and you're fine.

The capitalization is also an aspect of this poem I wanted to question a little. I'm not saying that you can't, because it's a stylistic choice that you're allowed to make, though I'm wondering why you've chosen to do this. It's cool if it's simply because you think the aesthetic or overall look of the poem is better with it, or if it has some sort of other meaning that's not as obvious.

The first stanza logically doesn't make all that much sense to me since the sun can only been seen in the day. That's the main problem I have there other than the simplicity with it? There's not much substance that starts the poem off. Sure, the sun is the most prominent star as it keeps us alive, but it's not during the night and I think clarity on that is beneficial even though the reader most likely knows that's not what you mean.

I found how the poem ends up playing out to be rather standard, which I'm disappointed by. Poems about the sun and the moon, especially poems about the sun and the moon and their relationship to each other being used as a metaphor for a relationship between the speaker and this other person in the poem.

I'm tired of this cliche because there's often no comparison of the actual character of the speaker or this romantic interest or even just other person in the poem, because it doesn't always have to be romantic either. I want to see more outside of this metaphor because it's dangerous to do the poem with the same ideas over again. Somehow put a twist on this. Give it more character and make it more personal, and then the reader will be able to reflect and relate to the poem.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask!

Random sidenote to begin with: I really like the font.

So, from a neutral perspective, ie as a reader who isn't your friend, I need a bit more explanation of what makes this person so special. You've done a pretty good job of making me believe that you care about this person, but I will care more and get more invested if I can relate to this and also care about this person. What makes them the sun? How have they helped you with their energy over the years? This is not necessary for giving it to your friend, don't worry, but since this is on the site, I have to review it as I would any other poem.

When I say pretty good job of explaining how much you care, I mean that you have some lovely sentiments - eg that you hope you will stay friends as you grow older (slightly unsatisfying rhyme at the end though as it's a bit repetitive), that you're happy to be quiet near their magnetism, that they stand out among other people. The continuing imagery hear is also a very good balance of layered and simple. I thought it would be good to highlight this so that you know what you have done well here for the future.

Be careful with if you take my first suggestion though - too many more stanzas of this one image could begin to feel laboured.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits