z

Young Writers Society


12+

Queen of the Lake- Chapter 1 *NEW* *Rewritten*

by VegasLights


“Mr. Ross would like to see you in his office, Mr. Adkins.”

Richard closed his laptop and turned to see Mrs. Boughman standing in the doorway of his office. She did this twice a month where she called Richard into his boss’ office for a pointless meeting. A moment later, Richard asked Mrs. Boughman to wait outside his door, she nodded her head as she left the room. Richard soon got up from his desk and walked over to the mirror in the corner of his small office. He looked into it and thought he looked like hell. His chestnut hair had a strange resemblance to a bird's nest and his eyes left a shadow on his tired face. It was a late night at the office and he barely got sleep that night. By the time he got home, it was already one a.m. and he didn’t have time for a shower. He splashed icy water on his face and fixed his hair as decent as he could.

He turned around and walked towards the door, and when he did he saw Mrs. Boughman waiting to take him to Mr. Ross. As they walked down a white hallway, Richard looked outside. It was dark and gloomy, the sun was hidden behind the clouds. Oddly enough, his hope was covered up by fear just like the sun was covered up. He wondered what he possibly could have done wrong? Why was he being called into his boss’ office? Did he not get the summer pictures for the magazine? Because sure enough, Richard could fix that. His thoughts were trapping him in a black hole because he was sure enough he was about to lose his job. He turned back around to face his peers, they were silent. Everyone was sitting at their desk editing pictures, but not one person made a sound. Why was everything so weird today? Usually, everyone would be talking and having fun but today was different. The mood in the office was as dark as the sky, what had changed?

They finally made it to Mr. Ross’ office, and without saying a word Mrs. Boughman left. Richard sighed as he rapped his knuckles against a faded gray door. The black hole consumed him once again, as the thoughts about losing his job slowly came back. He took one last look around just in case he really was going to lose his job. Everyone was still silent and the sun was covered up as it was before. He sighed, his last thoughts of the office would be of a silent office. This was not how he wanted to remember everyone so he vowed that this would not be the last time in his favorite place. A click from door pulled him out of his thoughts as he reached for the metallic door knob. He entered Mr. Ross’ office and as he did, he noticed a picture frame knocked on the floor. It seemed like everything was different today because that was a picture of his family and Mr. Ross is about as close as you can get with family. Richard bent down to pick up the picture frame, when Mr. Ross spoke in a voice that could send chills down anyone’s back.

“Sit down, Mr. Adkins.” He said that with such intensity that Richard started to think his thoughts were correct. He listened to his boss and sat down in a beige chair that seemed ready to comfort him with its soft arms.

“Do you know why you are here?” To be honest, he had no clue even though his thoughts were telling him why. But it was only his thoughts, right?

“I really have no clue, Mr. Ross.” Mr. Ross sighed as if to say, he was supposed to know the answer.

“Do you remember the job you did? About a week ago, December 7, I think it was.”

Of course, Richard knew that job. It was the day he had to go to Amory, Mississippi and that town spoke to him in evil ways. He never did like it there, that place felt like it was trying to take his soul. He went there for only one reason, to take pictures of Adeline. Adeline was girl with blond hair that could make you laugh even when you didn’t want to. She’s eighteen, but acted like a thirteen-year-old. He couldn’t help but wonder why she stayed in that creepy town that she called home. It was serious there and Adeline was the exact opposite, she didn’t fit in. Perhaps, that was the reason she was different, not one way alike with the other people in that town. He was sure that’s what made her special, she chose to act out in her own way.

“Yeah, why?”

“I’ve noticed 4 pictures that we need for the magazine are missing, care to explain?” Mr. Ross’ said that in a voice that stung with no mercy. He had the face of an angry cartoon character ready to burst.

Richard looked toward the ground unable to face Mr. Ross. He had no explanation to why those pictures were missing, at the moment he couldn’t even remember if he took them. Do you know the feeling when you forget to study for a test? Dumbfounded. You know shocked, that is exactly how Richard felt. He might lose his job because of four pictures that were never received, he filled with anger as he repeated that in his mind. He was the hardest working person there, he wouldn’t leave this job for anything! Four pictures that could be replaced within minutes were about to cost him the job he loved. Mr. Ross was ready to get rid of him and that was one of the worst things he has felt. He was ready to prove to him that he would do anything to keep his job.

“I need you to head back to Amory and take those pictures of Adeline. Or you can forget your job here, how does that sound?” Mr. Ross said that like he already had the papers made, ready to send to the unemployment center. All he had to do was sign them and they would be off, just like my job.

“Of course, I will get those pictures to you as soon as I can!” Richard said that as quick as he could, so Mr. Ross couldn’t snatch his job from under him.

“I expect full potential coming from you, Richard.”

Richard sighed in relief as his job stayed firmly placed underneath him. It looks like Richard will be heading back to Amory. The thought of that makes him shake with fear, it was never pleasant there. Amory is a small city, yet it is filled with the biggest mysteries. One of the biggest was an 18-year old girl who went missing in 1917. A girl just doesn’t disappear in a small town of little over 7000 people, probably less in 1917. I feel as if the sweet town of Amory is actually as dark as the night sky, Richard thought to himself.

He got up from the chair, his legs trembling beneath him and made his way to the door. He put his hand on the metallic knob ready to get out of the room, when Mr. Ross’ voice stopped him in his path.

“Oh before I forget, you will be leaving tomorrow to head to the airport. Your flight leaves at 6 a.m., don’t be late.”

Great, just great. I will be in Amory, Mississippi on Friday the thirteenth at midnight. Could anything worse happen to me right now, probably. After this, I know one thing I’m never heading back to Amory again, Richard thought to himself with fear.

He went down the same blank hallway he came down earlier, it was still silent as he passed everyone. He entered his office, grabbed his laptop and left work. As he walked to his car, all he could think about was what he vowed earlier. That this wasn’t going to be the last time he saw this place, and if taking four pictures in Amory meant keeping his job then he would do it. He opened the door to his Toyota and climbed in. He started the engine and turned on the radio, sure enough Highway to Hell was playing. Oddly enough, Richard would be on the highway to hell tomorrow. After a twenty-seven-minute drive, he walked into his apartment building. He went upstairs and packed for the terrifying adventure that waited his way.

He grabbed what seemed important enough to bring, remembering he couldn’t bring a lot. As he packed, he was slowly consumed by the same black hole as earlier. Wondering if after all of this, Mr. Ross would even let Richard keep his job. He said that he would but can you really trust a man that was upset. Richard had finally grabbed everything and changed into his night clothes. He lay down in bed as his thoughts slowly disappeared, only to wake up to them tomorrow.


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Sun May 07, 2017 3:57 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



walked over to the mirror in the corner of his small office. He looked into it and thought he looked like hell. His chestnut hair had a strange resemblance to a bird's nest and his eyes left a shadow on his tired face.


Generally I loathe the mirror thing for character description, it's super cliche, but you actually used it appropriately! I accept the mirror thing if a character is looking at a particular thing on their face (like examining an injury/pimple/whatever) or notices that they look unusual, which was what Richard did here.

I'm a little confused as to why Richard was so sure he would lose his job, even before his boss was like "There are four pictures missing, you incompetent twit!" Because early on in the story, we had this line:

She did this twice a month where she called Richard into his boss’ office for a pointless meeting.


That makes it sound like getting called into the boss' office is a routine thing that Richard is used to by now, yet he spends the rest of the way to the boss' office assuming he's done something wrong and is about to be fired. Perhaps he's just an anxious person who always assumes the worst, which is fine. But in that case, that aspect of his personality needs to come out more in the story.

I like the way this is sort of setting up to be a Southern Gothic kind of thing, both with the setting he's heading to and the sort of eerie tone you've set. You repeatedly set up the tone using different images and things like the sun obscured by clouds, inauspicious dates like Friday the 13th, a century-old disappearance, and even (somewhat more comically) coincidental songs like "Highway to Hell" playing on Richard's radio.

However, right now these things kind of scream out "setting the tone!!!!!!" Like this, for example.

Oddly enough, his hope was covered up by fear just like the sun was covered up.


Directly comparing Richard's mood to the sun this way is really obvious. Don't worry about "oddly enough" and things like that. Just put these details in the story and let them work together, subtly, on their own, to set the tone. If you do want to draw attention to one of them, you can do it somewhat comically (if you'd like) by having Richard acknowledge them and be like, "Ugh, really???" more like you did here.

Great, just great. I will be in Amory, Mississippi on Friday the thirteenth at midnight. Could anything worse happen to me right now, probably. After this, I know one thing I’m never heading back to Amory again, Richard thought to himself with fear.


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Sun May 07, 2017 3:41 am
ChieTheWriter wrote a review...



Hello there! I'm here to review your marvelous chapter.

First of all, I like to start with the positives. Let me assure you, there are plenty. There was a dark and mysterious air to the the story as the small town was explained, one that drew the reader in. A great plus to any piece. Also, you added the suspense factor when you made us afraid of Richard loosing his job there. Another positive. Overall, this was a great chapter.

Now, here are the picky things. Small ticks, nothing more.

Richard closed his laptop and turned to see Mrs. Boughman standing in the doorway of his office—she did this twice a month, where she called Richard into his boss’ office for a pointless meeting.

This here is a bit of a run on sentence, and should just be two separate ones. Like this:

Richard closed his laptop and turned to see Mrs. Boughman standing in the doorway of his office. She did this twice a month where she called Richard into his boss’ office for a pointless meeting.

You can also take the comma out after "month".

He turned around and walked toward the door, when he did he noticed Mrs. Boughman waiting to take him to Mr. Ross.


"Towards" might sound better than "toward". (I'm not sure about the rules for this though) Also, you have already made it plain that Richard knows Mrs Boughman standing outside the door. Instead of "noticed", you could say "saw" or a synonym. Some more description could be used in here as well. More about Mrs Boughman?

He turned around and walked towards the door, and when he did he saw Mrs. Boughman waiting to take him to Mr. Ross.

He wondered what he possibly could have done wrong, why was he being called into his boss’ office?


This should be two separate sentences. It's another run on.

Did he not get the summer pictures for the magazine because sure enough I could fix that.


The "I" should be "he" and there should be a question mark after "magazine". It's sort of a run on, so two sentences here would sound better.

They finally made it to Mr. Ross’ office, without saying a word Mrs. Boughman left.


There should be an "and" after office. The comma can stay.

He got up from the not-so comforting chair, his legs trembling beneath him and made his way to the door.


Before you said the chair was comforting. This sentence doesn't make sense if that was the case.

He lied down in bed as his thoughts slowly disappeared, only to wake up to them tomorrow.


"Lied" should be "lay". Also, the second part of this sentence doesn't really flow. You can easily fix it with some tweaking.


That's all the nitpicks I saw. It was a good story! I'm looking forward to reading more.

Sincerely,

~Me




VegasLights says...


Thank you so much, this was really helpful!




A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.
— Franz Kafka