Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
1
(Magister)
The old man’s bones cracked as he woke up from a short and very uncomfortable slumber. He slowly rose up out of his bed, walked over to his window and looked out. Unsurprisingly, it was still dark out. The old man was accustomed to waking up in the dark. To him a magister’s work was best started early. Once he was out of bed he slowly crept over to a chamber pot to relieve himself. The process was slow and painful. He flinched a little has he finished. The bladder infection that he had been dealing with for the past two weeks was becoming almost unbearable. He thought that it was about time to mix up a tonic to take care of his infection. He had wanted to let nature to take its course, but it was evident that nature was being extremely slow and stubborn.
Knowing himself as well as he did he figured that it was best to start making the tonic immediately before he forgot. Old age had not been treating him well. He was slowly losing his memory, which was very bad for a man of his profession. Being a magister required fifty percent concentration and fifty percent memorization.
There was no cure for old age, the most virulent of diseases in this world. Many a magister had tried and failed to discover immortality. With the magister’s occupation there was a vicious cycle that led to the demise of some of his predecessors. The cycle started off with infatuation with immortality that led to obsession, which then led to desperation, and eventually madness. The old man was close to being one of those magisters who had met their demise looking for immortality Fortunately he never progressed past infatuation.
There is nothing more certain in life than death. This bleak truth brought a smile to the magister’s face. “Everything dies,” he said aloud as he worked on his tonic “and so will I.”
“You’re right, magister,” said a cold clear voice “you will die sooner than you may think.” The magister turned around a gasped as he saw a hooded figure wearing a black robe standing in the doorway of his.
“Who…are…you?” asked the magister with fear in his voice.
“A shade of the past” whispered the intruder. The magister’s eyes widened in fear as he comprehended the intruder’s words. So it begins he thought.
“The dawn has died,” the magister said firmly “and so day shall never come. Night will set in and will break the spirits of men. The dragons will fall and the mists will rise...”
“Shadows will reign,” the intruder finished “we were wise to fear your knowledge magister. Tonight you die.” The assassin pulled out an obsidian blade from their cloak and as quick as a snake the assassin lunged.
The magister dropped to his knees and looked at his killer. For so many years he had waited to witness the events that were about unfold. It was most unfortunate that he would not be able to assist during the approaching dark times, but he knew all would not be lost. His secret was safe.
“You’re too late,” the magister said as the assassin pulled the blade out his bleeding chest “ignis urit per umbras.”
“No magister,” whispered the assassin, “tomorrow, the fire dies.” The magister's vision begin to blur and his head began to spin. He was bleeding heavily now, but he would not let his killer have the last word.
“Fires can be relit.” Blood spilled out of his mouth as he said these words.
“They won’t be this time Magister.” The assassin crouched to be eye level with the dying old man “we know your secret. We know of him.” The magister’s eyes widened in shock. “You have failed and now you die.” The magister didn’t feel the blade go into his heart, all he felt was guilt.
“Ignis...urit...per...umbras,” he said again as he closed his eyes forever.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
This is a great start, I love the sense of mystery in this piece as it keeps the reader interested and wanting to read more. The concept of a different world works really well in this piece as it doesn't feel out of place or as if it's trying to imitate another previously created world, which is hard to do! Well done!
There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes but they can be sorted easily when it's proof read.
Also on this section 'He had wanted to let nature to take its course, but it was evident that nature was being extremely slow and stubborn.' I feel like there should be a link back to the old man just to round off that paragraph.
Overall, I thought it was great!
This is a good first chapter. Sets up a bit of worldbuilding, but leaves a lot of mystery to be cleared up in later chapters (similar to the prologue). Definitely a nice way to start a decent fantasy novel.
There were a few typos I caught, some involving dialogues.
“'Shadows will reign,' the intruder finished 'we were wise to fear your knowledge magister.'" Should be changed to "'Shadows will reign,” the intruder finished. 'We were wise to fear your knowledge magister.'"
I'd recommend just doing a rough readthrough after finishing each chapter to check for the larger errors. Smaller ones are usually forgivable, although they should definitely be corrected in later drafts.
Either way, it should do a decent job of catching a reader's attention and make them want to keep reading.
Best of luck with the rest of the novel.
Hey there!
You're progressing really well on this. I feel like this first chapter is much improved on the prologue, which was already pretty good. It seems like you're finding a good rhythm and style with your writing, and I hope that you keep improving at this rate!
I felt as though it was a little short for a full chapter. First chapters are allowed to be a little shorter, however this is very short. Maybe try to take your time with each chapter; they don't need to be Lord of the Rings length, but they should probably be a little bigger than this, otherwise the story can feel choppy.
Unfortunately, it's now time for the nitpicks.
It needs a comma after 'Unsurprisingly'.
There's a tense issue here; change 'is' to 'was' to keep it all past tense.
*had tried and failed
I'd change this to '...as he comprehended the intruder's words. So it begins, he thought'.
Some missing commas here: '"No, magister," whispered the assassin, "Tomorrow, the fire dies."
There is some dialogue that should be capitalised, but I'm not very good at explaining it. If you have "Blah blah," he said, "Blah blah." the second lot of 'blah blah' should begin with a capital, despite the comma after the first 'blah blah', unless this is a full on cut in half sentence. If that doesn't make sense please tell me.
*magister's - Apostrophe.
Another dialogue thing here. Should be '"Fires can be relit." Blood spilled out of his mouth as he said these words.' because you're describing an action that isn't just 'he said'.
This one's a combination of the two above plus an apostrophe issue. '“They won’t be this time Magister.” The assassin crouched to be at eye level with the dying old man. “We know your secret. We know of him."'
I think you forgot to type 'eyes' her.
I reckon you did a pretty good job, so just keep an eye out for dialogue punctuation mainly, and good luck with the rest of the story!
Thank you for the useful criticism. I really appreciate it!