Published February 15, 2010
Prologue
I am Vatten Vatra.I am a human that was made into a a vampire since my birth. I'm a bloodsucking sun hating vampire. I'm not the only one though. There is another, but he is older. His name is Jon Tau. This story is not one of those happy sunshine we love each other books. This story is a true story about me, but listen when I tell you this.
The names in this story aren't real. The places are also not real either.
To describe me I'm a well built sixteen year old African American. I have a full head of black hair. I also have black eye's with black cloth's. I hate to wear anything else because it's not my thing.
To describe Jon I would say around seventeen years old. He is well built. He has white hair with green eyes. He wears all white. Right now I'm guessing he doesn't feel good wearing anything else. Jon and I are planning something. Something Big!
We are planning a Breakout!
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139,622 Literary Works • 672,632 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy so this piece on first glance is a tiny bit all over the place. This is the first time I've seen something which is so spread out manage to sound quite this confusing on a first read because it is really quite difficult to try and glean where this story is trying to go here. It seems to want to head off in entirely too many directions at the exact same time.
For starters the mention of how things in this story aren't real isn't too clear. I can after a couple of reads assume maybe you're saying this person is using fake names for some reason, but otherwise, it seems like a random author's note stranded in a prologue and that's not great. The mention of the whole vampire thing is also a little too spelled out for me. It kind of really detracts from any sort of tension you can create here when everything is just sort of laid right out and we don't have any sort of conclusion to come to as a reader. Without some mystery or anything to go by, a prologue doesn't always work out too well and this is one of those situations where it doesn't work.
So...while it might be an interesting premise here, you've gotta put in quite a bit more work for this prologue to really work out.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
That was... interesting. I liked your idea of a vampire that hates it,and is trying to escape. (hmm... sound familiar? just stay away from names like Edward, Edwin, Jake/Jacob and Belle/Bella and you'll be fine)
The main thing i saw was that you were mainly telling, not showing. Telling uses things like, I am a vampire. Say some things like, My girlfriend is so afraid of me because she always thinks I'll suck her blood away.
You show, not tell.
That was... interesting. I liked your idea of a vampire that hates it,and is trying to escape. (hmm... sound familiar? just stay away from names like Edward, Edwin, Jake/Jacob and Belle/Bella and you'll be fine)
The main thing i saw was that you were mainly telling, not showing. Telling uses things like, I am a vampire. Say some things like, My girlfriend is so afraid of me because she always thinks I'll suck her blood away.
You show, not tell.